Disclaimer – I wrote this, but due thanks go to Naoko Takeuchi for inventing all the "Sailor Moon" characters, and to Trey Parker and Matt Stone for creating the wonderfully twisted world of South Park. The characters I use belong to these people, and I’m not doing this for profit whatsoever! I’m poor, don’t sue me!

Questions, queries, comments? Email me at luna_dreamscape@hotmail.com I thrive on constructive criticism, it means that I can’t repeat mistakes!

_______________________________________________________________________

by Celeste Goodchild

_______________________________________________________________________

The alarm went off, rather convincingly this morning. Obviously, Jadeite had finally gotten over the hilarity of the gag involving wiring Nephrite’s hairdryer to the alert system. The gang could tell this because Beryl was screeching for her four kings, the sound of her voice and the alarm was so discordant it would make anyone’s head ache.

Nephrite was the first to waltz into the room, feeling rather happy with himself. He had managed to piss Zoisite off for the sixteenth time this hour. It was worth getting up early after all.

He was yet to notice the sign pinned to his back by the irate Zoisite. Jadeite snickered as he read it – I HAVE COOKIES. FIND THEM.

"What the hell are you laughing at?" snapped Nephrite, and Jadeite wisely shut up. Nephrite would find out eventually about the sign. His stars knew everything, after all…

Kunzite stalked in, and this time, neither of the kings could keep from exploding into helpless laughter. He tried to look regal and superior, as per usual, but the huge pink rollers in his hair just didn’t work. "What the smegging hell is going on?"

Nephrite fell over, laughing uncontrollably, as Jadeite snickered like a chipmunk on speed. Kunzite snarled, and snapped "Well, what did you expect? It’s seven o’clock in the morning!"

"Uh – so where’s Zoi this morning?" asked Jadeite, looking at the hysterical Nephrite.

Kunzite shrugged. "Can’t decide on whether to be Zoisite or Zoycite today. Depends on where we’re going, I guess. Japan or America?"

"What day is it?"

"Friday."

"Girl," said Jadeite decisively.

"Guy," snapped Zoisite, striding in, deciding to skip the blossoms today. His wages just didn’t stretch enough to cover his goddamn florists bill. He smoothed out his uniform, obviously annoyed. "I thought it was a DiC day, so I haven’t got any male uniforms ironed…I look like Nephrite on a good day!"

"I ironed my own cape!" crowed Kunzite, swirling it for effect.

"And burnt down the house," added Zoisite snidely.

"That was your house? Oh man! If I had known that, I would have broken out the marshmallows!" Nephrite said with a sigh. "I love a good bonfire…especially when it’s Zoi’s house."

"Screw you."

"No such luck, Zoi-dear. You aren’t my type."

"So where’s Beryl?" asked Jadeite, eager to avoid a Zoi-Neffy argument. When sexual preferences got involved…

"It’s Friday – and TGIF morning on NNN. Today, it’s the Teletubbies versus the Bananas in Pajamas – the ultimate showdown."

"Tinky winky!" shrieked Zoisite in laughter, pointing at Kunzite.

Jadeite laughed. "Strange tastes you have there, my dear."

"Jerk! I’ll kick your ass!"

"No, that’s Kunzite you’re thinking of," remarked Nephrite.

"Not quite," put in Jadeite with a sly grin.

"Oh yeah…but well, he does something to his…" He didn’t finish the sentence for effect, while Zoisite turned as red as a beet root.

"Why you fat-ass-"

"ZOISITE!" shrieked Beryl. "You’ll have DiC here in a minute!" Zoisite shut up.

The kings shuffled around a bit, trying to look a bit more respectable. The Beryl spoke.

"I have a realm I want you to investigate – and collect energy from."

"BORING!"

"Zoisite, shut your stupid face, or I’ll eternal sleep you. I’ve opened the gateway behind you, so have a lovely time children, and don’t forget your mittens."

"YES MISS BERYL!" chorused the gang, and as they moved through the dark energy gateway, Nephrite muttered "Who let her watch Barney?"

Zoisite was the first through, and he looked around curiously at the group of cows observing them. Both were blissfully unaware they were being watched by aliens with big black eyes.

As always, Jadeite had a song. "I’m going down to South Park, gonna have myself a time…"

Kunzite joined in. "Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation…"

"Ample parking day or night-" began Zoisite, but he was cut off by Nephrite’s shriek.

"AMPLE PARKING? Why did no-one tell me! I could have brought my Ferrari!"

"Damn you afro boy!" shrieked Zoisite, and he gave him a nice little ZOI! just for good measure. Then he pouted as Kunzite gave him a reproving look. "He deserved it. He interrupted my singing."

"Damn good thing he did, too," muttered Kunzite, and Zoisite shrieked in anger.

"I HATE YOU, CAPE BOY! SEE IF I EVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN!"

"Time for a rose, hmm?" asked Jadeite, kicking a stone.

Zoisite snarled "I’ll give you a rose, boyo!" and shot another lot of flower petals at Jadeite, florists bill be damned. Jadeite slipped out of the way, and the energy attack hit the telephone pole. It then proceeded to hit the cows. A police car driving past stopped, and a head poked out.

"Did you kids have anything to do with that pole?"

They looked at each other.

"No."

"No."

"No."

"Yes – I mean no."

"That’s all right then." He pulled his head in and drove away.

The aliens looked at the cows. "Carl, I told you to turn the cows inside out half an hour ago. Now look."

The tall white alien with big black eyes, for some reason named Carl, shrugged. "It’s okay. Pureed cow works just as well as flayed."

They got on the UFO and flew away.

The other "aliens" were so busy arguing they didn’t notice.

"I think you need to get a-" Nephrite’s yelling was suddenly interrupted by a loud shout from a nearby bus stop.

"KICK DA BABY!"

A baby shaped like a football came careening out of the sky, hitting Nephrite smack in the nose.

"Oh dear," said Jadeite in mock sympathy. "I’ve heard that sharp blows to the nose can cause brain damage."

"Cause?" choked Zoisite, and Nephrite fell over.

"OH SHIT! What was that?"

"Hey!" cried Zoisite in surprise. "You didn’t get bleeped – DiC really isn’t here!"

"Time enough to party later," said Kunzite, checking his watch. He sighed when he realised he hadn’t changed it to South Park time yet. "We’re supposed to be gathering energy."

"YES LORD KUNZITE," chorused the other three kings, and he sighed. No wonder Beryl went through so much Prozac.

"Let’s split up – Jadeite, you go check out that building on the hill. Nephrite, you go look at that bus stop where that kid used to be. Zoi, go and find a school and investigate, could be a good source of energy."

"And what about you?" he asked petulantly.

Kunzite sighed, and pulled out his portable hair-styling kit. "I look like I just stepped out of a pet shop."

"Dork," snapped Zoisite. "See if I ever go out with you again!"

"You said that already – you need a new scriptwriter."

"You can’t blame me! The budget cuts mean I have to share a scriptwriter with the Moonlight Knight!"

Everyone but Zoisite burst out laughing.

_______________________________________________________________________

Nephrite hated buses. He hated public transportation in general. That was why he had a bright red Ferrari…besides, it was handy for running people over with. It had a slightly unidentifiable number plate for one, so no one could ever traced it…ah, evil. Handy for hit and runs.

But he was glad to be away from Zoisite. As he walked up to the bus stop, the four kids looked at him curiously. "Hey mister, have you seen a dildo lately?"

"Shut up Stan," snapped a kid in a green hat, then turned back to address Nephrite. "Have you seen a little kid shaped like a dildo lately?"

Nephrite looked intrigued, then shrugged. "No."

"Goddamn it!" shouted Kyle. "This is all your fault, Cartman, you fat ass!"

"Shut up Kyle, or I’ll kick you in the nuts!" yelled back a fat ass kid – obviously Cartman. A kid in a huge orange jacket with a hood started mumbling.

"Shut up Kenny," said Stan, and he looked at Nephrite, who had decided to skip the bus and simply walk into town.

"Hey!" cried Cartman, beginning to drool. "He’s got cookies!"

Nephrite shrieked as the kid leapt on him and began searching. "ZOISITE!"

_______________________________________________________________________

Zoisite, meanwhile, had teleported to a building with South Park Elementary written on a large sign. He saw numerous kids running around and shuddered. He hated children, that was half the reason he liked going out with Kunzite. Not a hell of a lot of chance of getting pregnant…and in the DiC dub, NO ONE would get pregnant without a hell of a lot of deliberation.

As he thought hard about the chances of Zoycite getting pregnant under the command of DiC, a small English kid popped up. "Excuse me miss, but you tell me where the school nurse is?"

Zoisite jumped. "What?"

"The school nurse?"

Zoisite sighed. He hated kids, and this one had a particularly annoying accent. "Shut up, kid."

"But it really is quite urgent!"

"And I said shut the smeg up!"

"Pip, leave the lady alone," said a deep masculine voice, and a black man in a chef’s hat walked up.

"But Chef!" whined the kid, holding out his arm. "I just cut my hand off with the band saw in wood work, and it hurts!"

Chef sighed. "Pip, stop being such a whiner, and go back to class. Or I’ll give you a detention."

Pip walked off, head low, leaving a trail of blood from his wrist.

"Sorry about that," said Chef, and he held out a hand. "And you are?"

_______________________________________________________________________

Jadeite was navigating his way up the hill, cursing the fact that he couldn’t teleport up there. He had already used the bulk of his energy that day.

The door was locked, but Jadeite was not completely stupid. Actually, he probably was. He could have walked through the door, instead he blew it up.

"Bitching!" he said happily, and wandered inside.

He looked around in wonder, seeing he was in some kind of laboratory.

_______________________________________________________________________

Kunzite checked his hair in the full length mirror one last time, and smiled. "Oh. Pretty as a picture."

He could see Nephrite being mauled by one of those strange kids down at the bus stop, so he teleported away, towards the town. He guessed he should go and apologise to Zoisite, he was so easily pissed off.

"Hey, mister!" cried a voice, and Kunzite turned to see the police man leaning out of his car window. "Do you know anything about those dead cows just out of town?"

"No."

"That’s all right then."

He drove away, and Kunzite saw a shop – Jimbo’s. "Now, this looks interesting."

_______________________________________________________________________

"So you want every animal in the word to have at least two asses?" asked Jadeite incredulously. The doctor nodded. "It will bring out the goodness of mankind."

Jadeite nodded, and looked longingly at the door.

_______________________________________________________________________

Zoisite was beginning to feel worried about this. The man had been singing "Tonight is the night for love" for the past half hour, and he still was yet to realise that Zoisite wasn’t going to make sweet love to him, and he also didn’t seem to notice that Zoisite was in fact a male.

"Oh Christ…" he muttered.

_______________________________________________________________________

Nephrite had been having a good day up until the fat kid had leapt onto him. That’s when he started to get pissed. "I CALL FOR POWER FROM THE STARS!"

"You can’t do that," objected the fat ass kid. "You’ll piss the Russians off."

At that point, something rather unfortunate happened. The Mir Space Station fell out of the sky. And straight onto the kid with speech problems due to a large orange hood.

"OH MY GOD!" screamed the kid named Kyle. "They’ve killed Kenny! You bastard!"

Nephrite shrugged, and looked at the station as it rose into the sky. "It’s never done that before," he said thoughtfully, and the school bus pulled up.

"You kids, shut up and get on the damn bus!" shrieked a hideous woman with a bird in her hair.

"What a stupid old bitch," muttered Cartman as the four got on the bus, not seeming to notice the rats that converged on the corpse of the poor unfortunate Kenny.

"WHAT WAS THAT?!" screeched the woman.

"I said I want a tuna fish sandwich."

Nephrite sighed. This was going to be a LONG trip.

_______________________________________________________________________

Jadeite ran like hell from the laboratory, holding his arm where the doctor had gotten him with the needle. "Weirdo," he muttered, and looked around. The bus stop was deserted, and Kunzite was no where in sight. That left only Zoi, who could be anywhere…

The school. That’s where he had been headed. As he passed the bus stop, he looked curiously at a bunch of rats swarming over what could have been a body.

"Hmm," he thought, then shrugged. "Nah…"

_______________________________________________________________________

Kunzite admired the guns, and smiled, picking one up. "So what range is this?"

"It’s a flame thrower," said Jimbo, looking at it long and hard. "Not too much range, but handy for setting things on fire. Particularly gas stations."

"I’ll take it," he said decisively, and Jimbo smiled.

"Do you have a firearms license?"

"No."

"Then for an extra twenty dollars, you can have a false one."

Kunzite sighed. Human bureaucracy… "Here you go."

_______________________________________________________________________

And Jadeite had escaped, as was navigating through the streets, and there is was – South Park Elementary.

He stood in the middle of the street, looking at the building, wondering if he should enter it now, or get another cool disguise. He would make a good super-intendant. After all, his resume included a cruise captain, a shrine worker, a radio deejay, and even a theme park assistant.

Because he was in the middle of the road, the bus had to swerve to avoid hitting him, and into the other lane it went. Just as a small nine year old in an orange ski jacket was crossing the road.

A kid in a green hat leapt off the bus. "OH MY GOD! They’ve killed Kenny!" He turned to the weird woman driving the bus. "YOU BASTARD!"

"Hey!" said Jadeite. "Can I borrow your bus, lady? Maybe I can get Tux to come and drive it for me!" He sighed dreamily. "He was such a hunkster…"

"GROSS!" screamed Nephrite. "You’re getting my dry-cleaning bill! I just threw up everywhere!"

Jadeite blushed beet root red and dashed into the school.

_______________________________________________________________________

Zoisite sighed as Chef led him into the darkened kitchen. "If I make sweet love to you, will you stop singing?"

"Any thing you say, baby…" purred the man. "Turn down the lights…"

Apparently, he didn’t turn them down enough. Chef’s scream rang through the entire building.

"OH MY GOD! IT’S BIGGER THAN MINE! HOW DEGRADING!!!!!!!"

_______________________________________________________________________

Nephrite sat uncomfortably in the tiny desk and chair, ignoring the glances from the curious kids. Then Mr Garrison walked in, some weird puppet on his hand. "Today children, Mister Hat is going to tell us what happens when a man and a woman love each other very much…but first, do you have those permission slips Mister Hat asked you to take to your parents? We can’t continue until they sign."

"That’s right Mr Garrison," said ‘Mister Hat,’ or rather, Mr Garrison doing a rather bad ventriloquists impression. "Otherwise, they can sue the school for a lot of money, then they will hunt down Mr Garrison like a dog and horribly mutilate his bullet-ridden corpse."

Then Zoisite stormed in, and slumped in a chair near the door. "I hate cooks," he said darkly.

"Well now, that’s not very nice, little girl," said Mr Garrison, and Mister Hat added "The wind might change and you could stay a homicidal sociopath forever."

The ‘little girl’ brightened as he looked at Mister Hat, and suddenly, a cute furry little penguin appeared on his left hand. "Mr Flibble is very cross." He looked to the penguin, and spoke again. "You are, aren’t you, Mr Flibble?" Zoisite spoke for the penguin. "YES."

"And what does Mr Flibble do when he’s cross?"

The penguin moved up to Zoisite’s ear, and seemed to whisper into it. A look of shock crossed Zoisite’s very feminine features. "Oh no, we can’t possibly do that…" He looked at Mr Garrison, a look of glee on his face. "Who’d clear up the mess?"

Zoisite shot out a hand and shouted "ZOI!" as two twin bolts of pink energy erupted from the plastic eyes of Mr Flibble.

Mr Garrison ducked, but Mister Hat stood tall at the desk. The energies hit his metal eyes, and rebounded off. Zoisite and Mr Flibble shrieked, and ducked, thus the energies hit the unfortunate student sitting behind them.

"OH MY GOD!" cried Kyle. "THEY’VE KILLED KENNY – AGAIN!" He turned to Zoisite. "You bastard – or is it bitch?" He looked confused.

"I’ll kick you in the nuts!" cried Cartman.

"I wouldn’t bother," said Nephrite snidely. "Ain’t any to kick."

"HEY!" cried Zoisite indignantly. "It isn’t a DiC day – as if you couldn’t tell by the content of today’s episode!"

"It can’t be a DiC day, anyway," added Jadeite, stepping into the classroom, followed by a bunch of rats that converged on Kenny. "Sailor Moon isn’t here, so we can’t have a ‘Sailor Moon Says’ segment, because we’re not allowed to be moralistic. It interferes with DiC’s evil theory."

"I hate RATS!" screamed Zoisite, and toasted the corpse and its little friends. "This place sucks – there’s no good energy sources. Let’s just go find Kunzite and go home."

As the three set out to leave, Cartman yelled "Mr Garrison, can we watch cartoons? Cartoons kick ass!"

"Yeah!" cried Zoisite, scooting back into his chair. The other two joined Zoi, and Mr Garrison sighed.

"Terrence and Phillip then?"

______________________________________________________________________

Meanwhile, as his three erstwhile ‘co-workers’ set out to watch some serious ‘toons, Kunzite looked around for a good target. The he saw it.

"A flower shop! I should go and get roses for Zoi!" He abandoned his flame thrower, and walked to the florists. Once inside, he made a beeline for the counter. "Give me a bouquet of pink roses, would you?"

The girl behind the counter smiled. "Sure thing, sir – for your girlfriend?"

"No."

"Wife?"

"No."

"Mother?"

"No."

"Sister?"

"No."

"Fiancée?"

"No," repeated Kunzite, starting to feel exasperated. The girl pulled a face.

"Alternative life style partner?"

He looked around, then nodded. "Yes."

She sighed, and pointed out the window. "Try that place over there – they can cater for your needs better."

Kunzite turned, and saw the sign. BIG GAY AL’S STORE FOR THE MINORITY GROUP.

_______________________________________________________________________

Zoisite shrieked in laughter as the guy said "Terrence, have you been eating baked beans again?"

"Here we go," sighed Nephrite, but before flatulence, the essence of the show, could set in, a news flash broke in. It showed a huge blonde monster destroying the town of South Park. A voice over said "Today, a huge genetic mutant is destroying the town of South Park. Back to you in the Studio, Jim."

A man in a news studio spoke. "Thank you, Jim. The police say that if you see this mutant, kill him and burn his body, that’s all for now."

A title screen flashed up on the screen. "We now take you to ‘Jesus and Pals.’"

A man with a halo sat in a chair. "The road is paved with gold for ye who seek peace. We now accept callers."

"Yeah, hi, is it okay to kill people if you really hate them?"

"Hate is a useless emotion, Nephrite. Love is so much more wonderful than hatred, it leads to brightness of the soul. Sailor Jesus Says."

"Goddamnit!" snapped Nephrite, slamming his cellular phone shut. Zoisite gave him the evils.

"I heard that," said Jesus from the screen. Then a huge genetic clone broke into the studio, it looked like…

"Hey Jadeite! You’ve become a TV star!" cried Zoisite in amazement.

"Yeah, but you’ve lost your looks," put in Nephrite. Jadeite just looked stunned.

"That bastard! He cloned me from that blood he accidentally took from my jugular vein!"

"That was an accident?"

"You’re holding your arm – your jugular’s in your neck, you baka," said Zoisite knowingly. No one seemed to notice that the mutant Jadeite-clone had killed Jesus and was disappearing from the studio.

"Beryl’s gonna be pissed," sighed Jadeite, and motioned it was time to leave. "Come on, we have to go clean up, and find Kunzite."

"We’re in for an earful," said Zoisite glumly.

_______________________________________________________________________

Kunzite ran from the building, disturbed by Big Gay Al, and his handy helper, Mr Julian Clary. He looked around for his flame thrower…but it had vanished.

"Kunzite!" cried Zoisite, running down the street. He leapt into his arms, and Kunzite cried "Where the hell have you been?!"

"We have to stop Jadeite’s mutant clone before he destroys South Park," said Nephrite, pointing to the carnage that Kunzite was yet to notice.

"Do we have to?" whined Zoisite.

Kunzite cried out "Hey! There’s my flame thrower!" The cop looked up. As did the four kids who had turned up with the cop.

The Jadeite-clone had the flame thrower. He levelled it at Zoisite, and…

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Kunzite. "NOT MY ZOI!" He dove onto the clone, and the flame thrower went off. The flames hit a kid in orange, who began screaming.

"OH MY GOD! THEY’VE KILLED KENNY! YOU BASTARD!" Kyle shouted.

Jadeite pulled out a revolver and shot the clone, who collapsed in a bloody heap.

Officer Barbrady said to Kunzite "Was that your flame thrower?"

Kunzite looked at the others. "No."

"That’s okay then. Hey blondie, did you just shoot that man with that smoking revolver you’re holding?"

Jadeite looked down. "Uh, no. This is my water pistol."

"Fine." The cop got in his car and drove away.

"That was easy," remarked Jadeite, watching the rats dissect Kenny and take him away.

"Yeah," said Nephrite. "But what about Beryl? We can’t go back without any energy."

"And Beryl’s gonna be pissed with you most, Jade," said Kunzite wisely. "After all, you couldn’t even get any energy from earth. You and those damn buses…"

"She’s gonna make me challenge those Scouts," he said glumly. "Ah, shit."

"But what about now?" whined Zoisite. "Where can we get some now?"

They all turned to Cartman.

"Hey!" cried Cartman. "Don’t come near me, or I’ll kick you in the nuts!"

"Zoi?" asked Kunzite, and he smiled. He knew what to do.

He closed his eyes for a moment, and then smiled at the kid. Zoycite walked slowly forward. "I don’t think so kid," she purred, and reached out a hand burning with dark energy.

_______________________________________________________________________

"Today on Sailor Moon, the evil Kings went to a very violent place. It was bad there, because they killed Kenny four times, then Zoisite screwed with people’s minds by becoming female at the end of the episode. So the moral of today’s story is – don’t kill Kenny, and stay your own gender. Sailor Jesus Says."

_______________________________________________________________________