Hmm. Another strange little pet project…like other people, I have a morbid fascination of how Kunzite must have felt when Beryl blasted Zoisite, but unlike some people, I don’t believe that Kunzite is the type to go and find a choice piece of ass to dim his heartache with. I never thought he would be that shallow, he’s too reserved, and thinks WAY too much. Besides, he loved Zoisite! I’m not saying he had to remain celibate after Zoi-chan died, and I know that a dead person isn’t much good in a healthy relationship (except for necrophiliacs – but that ain’t too healthy, is it?), but come on…Zoisite wasn’t dead that long! He was barely cold in his grave when Kunzite died!

Shut up, Celeste. Okay, I will, and I say – "here’s my version of what happens when Kunzite goes for ‘a walk’ when depressed about Zoisite." Enjoy!

Sailor Moon is the property of Naoko Takeuchi, Kodansha Comics and Toei Animation.

Sometimes, he wondered why he bothered. The life of a Dark Kingdom king was severely over-rated, he was now discovering. He had managed to get through the bleakness of this gloomy life, because he had had a reason to do so.

A reason to be stronger than he ever was, a reason to continue on with a life lived in shades of a darker grey. The only reason he had to keep on living.

He had been so temperamental. So out of control when his grip on his temper failed – which was often. Zoisite never had been too good with his temper.

Beryl must have known what this would do to him. She would have been blind if she had not realised the deeper undertones of the student-teacher relationship. Her spies were not that bad, even if they were only youma.

He sighed heavily, wondering how his life could have become such a disaster in such a short period of time. Only weeks ago, he had been the happiest he’d ever been – though he’d seemed no different on the outside. And that hurt. He had loved Zoisite with all his heart, and yet, he had never told him just how much he had actually meant to him. And now he would never know.

Slamming his fist into the table, Kunzite felt the familiar build up of rage and hurt-filled anger in his aching heart. Anger at those who had caused his death, anger at Zoisite for being so impulsive…but most of all, his anger was directed at himself. He should have been able to stop Zoisite from trying to kill that idiot, Tuxedo Kamen, he should have been able to protect Zoisite from Queen Beryl, he should have been able…

"To tell him I loved him," he whispered into the darkness. Looking back, with a sinking heart, he saw how little he had shown his great affection to the little fiery student. How little he had told him how much he meant to him. How he had never come right out and said that he loved him with all his heart. Oh, sure, he had danced around it, playfully dangling his heart in front of Zoisite like a rich plum he’d never be able to eat. But, then of course, how could he have known? He had thought Zoisite would be by his side forever…

"I’m sorry," he whispered, praying that Zoisite could still hear him, wherever he was. "I would have loved you forever…can you hear me? Oh, Zoisite…"

He stood abruptly, and opened a weary gate. He wanted out of this life, out of this room that echoed with the soft laughter of his dead lover, where, with every turn, he could see those sparkling green eyes, and when he reached out, they were gone…because he was just imagining things…

The Tokyo street was deserted – it must be about eleven o’clock at night, Kunzite estimated. This was just great – the silence of the dim streets was no better than the painful solitude of the Dark Kingdom!

With a sigh of disgust, Kunzite turned, and returned to his chambers.

________________________________________________________________________

The morning brought a headache, eyes blurred from the tears he could weep only when asleep, and his mind no better off.

Beryl had not called him as of yet, and Kunzite welcomed the respite. As he brushed his long, pale hair, his thoughts drifted to Zoisite, as they always tended to do. Zoisite had loved his hair, was constantly messing with it, touching it, stroking it, loving it…

"Enough!" he muttered, and opened the gate again. This time, he was going to stay in Tokyo for at least an hour. Just to escape memories he was beginning to wish he didn’t have.

He blinked his silvery eyes against the brightness of the sun, before raising a long-fingered hand to blot out the cheerfully glowing orb in the sky. From the looks of it, it was a bright and early Tokyo morning. Kunzite had never felt so out of place, as he dissolved his uniform into an outfit that consisted completely of the colour black. He hadn’t thought about the choice – and he smiled sarcastically at his own mind. Mourning in black, how dramatic, he thought to himself, and if he hadn’t been so upset, he probably would have laughed at his own fragility. He felt like he was slowly going insane.

He could still hear the soft tenor of his lover, the gentle voice – though only for him. It was only Kunzite to whom Zoisite spoke gently, with love, real love, his eyes shining, burning with an unequalled love. For Zoisite, there was no greater love. Kunzite knew that he was the same…but it was bittersweet knowledge. He knew that he had loved Zoisite beyond reason

but he had neglected and abused that love. Now, he had only shadows, memories. And what purpose did memories have? What good were they? They were only something to torture yourself with!

With a deep, melancholy sigh, Kunzite shook his head, and began to walk. He didn’t know where he was going, and he couldn’t honestly care. The death of his only light had plunged him into darkness. He was groping around in pitch black, and he didn’t mind the depth of this darkness. If he was blind, he wouldn’t see the end. Ignorance was bliss – and there was little that made him happy.

The Tokyo morning was bright and sunny, though the air was a touch chilly. Kunzite, however, neither felt nor cared about the cold. He wore his apathy like a cloak to shield him from the cruelty of reality.

He had walked quite some distance down the quiet street when he became aware of his only companion. A slight girl had fallen into step just ahead of him, and she walked slowly, her head lowered. She was dressed in some kind of school uniform, from what he could see. A red top, and a green pleated skirt, a plaid design of dark green lines to contrast with the lighter green of the skirt. Her hair was short and dark – but for some weird reason, she held his attention, though her face was not visible.

He shook his head, and lowered his face to look at the pavement. He was beginning to think about Zoisite again – the way he had smiled sweetly at him, and leant forward to brush a hand over his, just to feel him near, to show that even if Kunzite couldn’t admit it, Zoisite wasn’t afraid to show him he loved him…

Hearing a strange sound broke him out of the painful memory. Looking up, he was startled to see the girl leaning heavily against the wall, breathing heavily. Her shoulder was pressed into the wall, one hand to her head.

"But I am not also accountable for his death?" he whispered, stopping to stare at his own hands. The girl, who seemed on the verge of collapse, was still several metres ahead. "Is his blood not on my hands?"

Deciding in an instant, he moved to the girl’s side, placing a tentative hand on her shoulder. "Are you all right?" he asked in an oddly kind voice, looking to the girl hesitantly. Her face was turned away, masked by her short curtain of dark hair. She was breathing shallowly, and when she looked up, the paleness of her face startled him. Until he caught her gaze.

Eyes so deep and wide, violet to a fold…a secret never to be told. They were so deep, he could almost see himself in them…they were the most extraordinary eyes he had ever seen. They were much more beautiful than even Zoisite’s, but this girl…her eyes were tortured, like she had seen great sadness or suffering in her life. And it must have been a short life – she couldn’t be more than seventeen years old.

Unable to speak, Kunzite could only stare at the girl, who only stared silently back at him. The only sound in the silent street was the sound of her shallow breathing, her panting.

"I’m…okay," she finally murmured in a soft, mellifluous voice. Trying to stand, she wavered slightly, and Kunzite immediately steadied her without thought. For some reason, helping this girl did not seem against his dark nature. "I…I just have these spells, sometimes…I’ll…be all right. I think…"

She teetered again, and Kunzite automatically put an arm around her, and this time, he didn’t release the smaller girl. Without really thinking about it, he led her into the nearest park, which had a crystalline lake, and trees that seemed to speak when their leaves rustled in the gentle frosty breeze. What got his attention was one of the benches before the lake, where he led her. He helped her sit down, before releasing her. He stood a little awkwardly before her, suddenly struck by amazement. Why had he helped this mortal?

She had her wondrous eyes closed, as she leant back on the bench. The girl was not exactly beautiful – but she was something very special. Her beauty came from inside somehow, and enhanced her outer prettiness, magnifying it many times. This strange aura reminded him so greatly of some one else, yet he couldn’t place a finger on it. All he knew was that if it weren’t for the other aura about the girl, he would have left more or less then and there. It was the…darker aura. Like he was seeing someone else…

Someone like him. Something cold…something dark.

She finally opened her phenomenal eyes again, and she smiled so sweetly at him it made his heart ache. The girl did not have the sharply pretty features, or the coppery golden hair, but the smile…the innocence, the perfect trust behind that smile, it reminded him so greatly of what he had lost.

"Arigatoo gozaimasu," she said softly, the smile not leaving her delicate features.

"You’re very welcome," he echoed in reply, unable to take his eyes from those of the girl. Without really thinking about it, he sat beside her. "Does that happen to you often?"

Looking wistful, the pale girl nodded. "Occasionally. I just…get tired. I think I’m getting over it, but…I suppose I just have a weak physiology."

He nodded softly, still unable to think of what to say to her. The mysterious aura about her hadn’t faded – if anything, it felt as if it had grown. Her temporary resemblance to Zoisite had faded, and he wondered if he hadn’t imagined the whole thing.

She suddenly looked startled. "Oh, I’m being rude! My name is Tomoe Hotaru," she offered, almost shyly, extending a hand. She looked almost nervous, like he would refuse to touch her or something.

He took her hand with a degree of indecisiveness, then shook it firmly, surprising the pair of them. "My name is Kakuemon Jirazashi." It was the first name to hit him, and the girl, Tomoe-san, smiled. "It is nice to met you, Kakuemon-san."

"The pleasure is all mine, Tomoe-san," he replied, and she shook his head gently, with a laugh like crystal.

"You can just call me Hotaru," she said in reply, and he nodded slightly, wondering why the girl didn’t mind him using her first name.

"Hotaru-san," he said softly, and was instantly reminded of another name, another honorific.

Choking back a cry, he suddenly turned from the girl, Hotaru. He could feel the tears burning at the back of his eyes – and he wondered why now? He had never cried outwardly, while awake, not even when he was alone. And now, sitting in the sunshine of a frosty Tokyo morning, a slight girl at his side, he suddenly felt like weeping, weeping without stopping.

"Is there something wrong?"

The compassionate whisper from the girl, a hand lightly on his arm, caused him to look back at her, his argent-cerulean eyes filled with bitter tears. She stared at him for a moment, her own eyes wide and tender.

"Oh! Your eyes…they are so filled with pain…you’re in pain." She looked at him with so much gentle consideration, so much care, it made him feel even worse.

Why should this girl care about me? I could kill her with a thought, and put her out of her misery…

Hotaru leant over to place her gentle small hands over one of his. He stared at her tiny hands, his eyes wide, yet still masked by his deep pain. He could feel her wide, dark eyes on his skin, almost as if she was looking right through him. Once again, he could feel that peculiar aura, with such a familiar ring to it. Like he had felt it before, in a lesser form, almost…

"Kakuemon-san," she whispered softly, her voice mellifluous and low. He wanted to look up, but somehow, all he could feel was an intense ball of pain growing in his chest, one that grew from a small flame to a burning white sphere that threatened to consume him.

"Your pain is so great," she said sadly, as she moved her small, soft fingers over his. He could feel the softness of her ivory skin, and he was so close to her, he could smell her musky, ambrosial scent, one that surrounded her like a light curtain.

Still, the confused auras. Waves of energy surrounded her, but they were distinctly different in nature and in purpose.

As Hotaru continued to move her hands softly over his own, he closed his eyes in intense anguish, and she sighed softly.

"Kakuemon-san," she whispered, sounding almost apologetic.

Kunzite felt the change in the energies – he felt what she suddenly did to him. All of a sudden, he suddenly felt so much lighter, and for a moment, his heart felt like it was whole, not broken as it had been.

The sensation, the joyous bubble, burst quickly, though he did not immediately spiral back down to the depths of despair where he had once been resident. His heart felt just as broken as before, but the sharpness, the bitter acidity of his own failure to love his student just as Zoisaito-chan had always loved him, was slightly neutralised.

Opening his argent-cerulean eyes, he raised his head to stare with frank amazement at the young girl. She seemed a little taken aback at the naked emotion in his eyes, but she did not take her hands away from his. Continuing on with whatever she was doing, she said softly "Would you like me to stop, Kakuemon-sama?"

He winced at the honorific, wondering just what kind of bond it was that she had invoked between them. Was it possible that she knew the last person who had addressed him as "sama" with such obvious concern, compassion?

"What are you doing to me?" he asked softly, not asking her to stop, physically or verbally. He stayed close to her, and allowed himself to stare directly into her luminous eyes, twin lakes of midnight violet. "Hotaru...Hotaru-chan?"

She smiled slightly, seeming a little startled by the affectionate honorific he used in relation to her own name. "I feel your pain, Kakuemon-san. I don’t like to see anyone in pain."

A little overwhelmed by her blatant desire to help him, Kunzite took several seconds to speak an honest reply. "You must make a good friend, Hotaru-san."

A flash of pain flickered in her deep eyes, a pain whose nature that was obvious to the recently bereaved Kunzite. It was loneliness, pure and simple.

This emotion was echoed in her low words, as she cast her eyes downward and murmured "I haven’t got many friends."

He was more than a little surprised at the revelation, though he didn’t for a second doubt it’s authenticy. Though he found it hard to believe such a passionately kind person as Tomoe Hotaru had little or no friendship in her life, he knew that she was not lying. Then again, maybe he could understand it. Despite the kind, quiet strength of her personality, he could still sense the darkness overhanging her head like some kind of bitter daemon.

"How is that possible?" he asked softly, and he did wonder. In the Dark Kingdom, friendships were rare and far between, love an even stranger emotion. But here on Earth, love, trust and friendship were a part of everyday life. How was is that this young girl, with the beautiful aura not quite eclipsed by the deeper, darker resident, had the inclination or reason to say that she had no friends?

Hotaru blinked her eyes several times, and then sighed very shallowly. Her breathing was obviously never very deep or easy, Kunzite could now see. "Anything is possible…I think you just discovered that, ne?"

Hardly surprised by the girl’s odd insight, Kunzite nodded. "I never thought I would lose what I never really knew I had…do you know what I mean?"

Hotaru nodded slightly, and replied with "You feel great pain, Kakuemon-san…I know you do, I tried to take some of it away. But you feel such an awful, abysmal loneliness. I can’t help you with that…I think only you can. Kakuemon-san, what is truly wrong with you?" She then stared piercingly into his argent cerulean eyes with her own midnight violet shade.

Wondering why he was saying such a thing, Kunzite suddenly blurted out "Sometimes, I feel like…I feel like…I don’t know, I missed the boat or something."

The amusement in her eyes, kind and not mocking, reassured him that he was not simply going insane. She smiled slightly, and touched a hand to his temple for perhaps a second, before removing it. "You must get to know the driver better. The boat will wait for you, Kakuemon-san."

She stood then, the sun reflecting off her dark shiny hair. Framed in the sunlight, her dark eyes freed from the characteristic shadows, she appeared almost goddess-like, her simple radiance shielding her for only a moment. Then, that darkness fell about her like some vile cloak, her eyes becoming dark and eclipsed by an ominous twilight again.

Turning back to him, she smiled that shy, promising little smile, a child’s innocent smile that seemed to grant assurance that the sun would be out tomorrow, and that there was always that happy ending everyone was always searching so desperately for. "Good luck with your heart, Kakuemon-san."

"And you, Tomoe-san," he murmured quietly, and he watched the peculiar girl walk slowly away from him. Out of his life.

She seemed to meld into the shadows of the lightly-scented trees, and he shook his head slightly. He could smell the gentle scent of sakura blossoms, even though they were not in bloom.

"How did you get so wise, little one?" asked Kunzite of the azure sky, though his question was truly directed at the strangely arresting Tomoe Hotaru.

What had this girl taught him? She had said that the boat would wait for him…that he would wait for him. "Maybe it is true, that somewhere, we will met again, whether it be heaven, hell, or a place that transcends all reason," he murmured to himself, staring up into the clear blue sky. The air was chilly, the breeze cold, but Kunzite was untouched by all this.

He wore his conviction like a protective shield. He knew he had to go back to his dim, gloomy world, and that he would have to go it alone. As he had before he had ever known Zoisite.

Hotaru, however, had shown him something. By taking away the blinding pain of his grieving love for Zoisite, she had shown him that love very rarely had an end through means of mortality.

"I am still alive…and even though you are gone, I will never stop loving you…" The words sounded weak and clichéd to his own ears, but he was rewarded with a strange reply. One that he held in his heart until his own death, faithfully positive he had heard those words, in that familiar softly, silvery tenor. He believed that they were real – because he knew that he would not fool his own mind.

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Ha! Did everybody enjoy my psychotic ramblings? And if not – WHY NOT?! Oh, look at me go, I think I have lost my mind yet again…

Wanna make a comment? Want to help me FIND my lost mind? Oh, go on – I dare you! Just send all that, ahem, "constructive" criticism to luna_dreamscape@hotmail.com. The only time I bite is when I have rabies. And that’s about once in a blue moon…

Oh, yeah. There are song lyrics scattered through this, mainly "Viva Forever," "through the eyes of ruby" and "Right Here Waiting" none of which I wrote, okay? Ta!