"You gotta see these photos I took of their spectacular Christmas display!" said Zoisite, passing the pictures to Jadeite. "These Tokyo malls really know what Christmas is all about!"

A disturbed expression crossed Jadeite's features as he looked at Zoisite's photos. "Is that Santa Claus up on a cross?"

"Isn't it awesome?" said Zoisite. "Better take pictures now, because eventually these Japanese retailers will get their Western myths straightened out, and we won't see displays like this anymore! Kinda sad, don't you think?"

"Zoisite," said Kunzite, standing with his arms folded over his broad, muscular, tanned (Anna-chan pauses to wipe the drool off her chin) chest. "You should not waste time shopping. Our queen will be most displeased if we fail to come up with a new plan for gathering energy."

"Yeah," said Nephrite, lounging in his big chair and gazing through a wine glass. "Your last plan--having us all dress up as the members of ABBA and staging a reunion concert--was dumb. Really dumb."

Zoisite pouted. "It would've worked if Jadeite's Accents (r) hadn't slipped out of his dress!"

Suddenly, Queen Beryl's face loomed above them. "Jadeite! Nephrite! Zoisite! Kunzite! Report to my audience chamber at once!"

Queen Beryl's audience chamber was all decorated for the holidays. The Doom Tree (aka the Tree of Life) made a splendid Christmas tree. Of course, cutting it down killed Alan and Ann, but the Negaverse would now have enough fire wood after New Year's to last until spring.

"Zoisite!" snapped Queen Beryl, as the four kings appeared before her throne. "That ABBA plan failed abysmally! You look nothing like Frida, and you certainly can't sing like her!"

"Next time we'll lip-sinc," said Jadeite. "And use padding instead of--"

"Silence! Our glorious Negaforce will not be embarrassed this way again! Zoisite, I'm giving you one more chance. I want you to get the eighth rainbow crystal!"

"Eighth?" said Zoisite. "But a rainbow only has seven--"

"Silence! Never question my understanding of optics!"

Zoisite cleared his throat. "Sorry. Uh, of course there are eight colors in the rainbow. I forgot indigo. Silly me."

"This," said Beryl, conjuring an image from her scepter, "is the eighth rainbow crystal carrier!"

Jadeite blinked. "Santa Claus? That'll be easy! Zoi was taking pictures of him just this afternoon."real Santa Claus! Saint Nick himself!"

"But how will we find him?" said Zoisite. "Earth is a vast planet with millions of Santas."

"The real one," said Beryl, "is working at the Mall of America, in Minneapolis."

The Doom Tree quaked in fear, shedding leaves all over the floor.

"Will somebody sweep up under this damn tree?" screamed Beryl. "I knew we should've gotten an artificial Doom Tree. Real Doom Trees are nothing but a mess!"

"Camp Snoopy," said the man, staring at the four uniformed strangers. "Are you one of the singing groups today?"

"No!" snarled Kunzite, glowering. "And don't ever ask us that again!"

"Although he does a pretty good impression of Björn Ulvaeus," said Nephrite.

Zoisite peered into the bright, red, Salvation Army kettle. "Ooh! Don't mind if I do!" he said, reaching in to pull out a few dollars.

"This mall is so kewl!" squealed Serena. "I can shop and shop and shop and shop and shop and--"

Amy said, "I'm going to productively use this afternoon to observe American consumer activities and write a twenty page research report for extra credit."

"You do that," said Lita.

"Hey!" said Minna, as they approached a store called Hot Topic. "Check out this weird shop!"

Hot Topic was a "specialty" clothing store that featured Marilyn Manson T-shirts, vinyl underwear, and bumper stickers that said, "Don't Step On My Tail." An obnoxiously loud rhythm pounded forth from the speakers in the ceiling.

Amy, covering her ears, said, "Is that music, or is somebody building something?"

"Look at these outfits!" said Minna, as the scouts stepped inside. "We could all be vampires for Halloween!"

Suddenly, they saw the Sailor Moon shrine at the back of the store. (insert sweat drops here)

"Omigosh!" cried the scouts. "It's us!"

At the back of Hot Topic were shelves and shelves of Sailor Moon candles, lunch boxes, chibi dolls, wash clothes, purses and pencil cases.

"What're we doing in a store like this?" said Serena.

"I don't understand," said Amy, brushing aside the fake spider webs to thumb through the laminated Sailor Moon posters. "Has Sailor Moon somehow become associated with the goth aesthetic?"

"Yeah," said Lita. "Like, I thought we were just a children's show."

"Can I help you?" said a young man with pink hair, and boots that would've frightened an S.S. officer. "Just don't ask if we have the wands or action dolls. We don't have them, and we can't get them!"

"What about Luna plushes?" said Mina.

"Really!" said Luna. "You shouldn't spend your money on foolishness!"

"But Artemis said he wants one to cuddle."

"I did not!" cried Artemis, blushing.

"Uh, why don't you try F.A.O. Schwartz?" said the clerk.

"Oh, Nephrite!" said Zoisite, grabbing his partner's hand and bouncing down the concourse past women's apparel stores. "Do you think Kunzite likes me? Oh! Look at that dress! Isn't that the coolest? I want Kunzite to ask me out so bad! Check out those shoes! I could try on clothes all day! Couldn't you? Omigosh, check out this outfit! Isn't this the cutest thing you ever saw? I'm sure Kunzite would ask me out if I wore this! Don't you think so, Nephrite? Nephrite?"

"This day is turning into a foretaste of my personal Hell."

"Look!" cried Zoisite, pointing. "It's a bridal shop! Oh, let's go in! I'm always planning, you know!"

"Hot Topic is an odd name for a bridal store," said Nephrite, as Zoisite pulled him inside. Fortunately, the scouts had already left.

Zoisite held up a long, black dress with black spider web lace on the bodice and sleeves. "Aren't these gowns gorgeous? I wonder if they come in petite. After all, Jadeite's going to be my bridesmaid. Check it out! Black candles, black stationery . . . this store has everything!"

Nephrite studied the selection of lingerie. "Oh my."

"Kunzite and I will have the most perfect wedding!"

"He has to ask you out, first, Zoisite."

"Hey!" said Zoisite, pointing to the shrine at the back of the store. "Sailor Moon party favors for our reception!" He rushed over to the memorabilia. Then he frowned. "I don't see any villains here! They've got the scouts, cape boy, and the princess, but nothing with us!"

"Can I help you?" said the clerk. "Just don't ask if we have the wands or action dolls."

"What about the villains?" snapped Zoisite. "I don't see anything here from the Negaverse! Not Queen Beryl, not the generals . . . you don't even have one of those dorky Prince Diamond dolls! Not that I like him, or anything."

"Uh, sorry man. I think Disney's buying the series, so it's hard to get this stuff."

"This is an outrage!" shrieked Zoisite. "Your store's under-representation of us villains is treachery against the Negaverse! Zoi!" Zoisite blasted the shelves of trinkets with his cherry blossom attack.

"Chill, dude!" said the clerk. "Don't be trashing my store!"

Nephrite grabbed Zoisite's wrist and hauled him out. "C'mon, Zoisite. We have to get to Camp Snoopy and fulfill our mission."

The line of kids eager to see Santa stretched all the way back to Bloomingdale's. Darien had been waiting with Rini for over two hours.

This just isn't fair, thought Darien. He hadn't even slept with a girl yet, and already he was saddled with paternal obligations. Someday, in a thousand years or whenever, he and Luna-P were going to have a talk.

"Look!" cried Rini. "Up at the front of the line! That man is budging!"

"Hmm?" Darien narrowed his eyes at the slender, effeminate character cutting in line. "He looks strangely familiar."

"Step aside, brats!" said Zoisite, pushing the startled children with their plush Snoopy dolls out of his way. "I wanna tell Santa what I want!"

Santa gave Zoisite a once over. "Aren't you a little big for Santa's lap, young man?"

Zoisite perched himself on one velvet-clad knee, twirled the white beard in his finger, and whispered into Santa's ear.

"I don't think he'll fit in your stocking," said Santa, who was not amused. "Now I'm going to have to ask you to leave, before your name gets added to my naughty list!" "You wouldn't want it anywhere else," purred Zoisite.

"Young man, your turn is over!"

"But you have something else I want--something that will fit in my stocking!" Zoisite stood up, raised his hand and said, "Give me the eighth rainbow crystal!"

Santa clutched his chest. The "elves" working mall security thought it was a heart attack, and paged the paramedics. But then the crystal appeared--an indigo crystal. And Santa morphed into a giant, sinister, red and green mecha.

"Ho ho ho!" he bellowed, rising above the terrified crowd. "I am Santasmagoria!"

"Well, I guess it isn't any dumber than "Game Machine Man," said Nephrite.

Suddenly, Sailor Moon and the scouts appeared over the entrance to the Mystery Mine Ride.

"Santa Claus is the true Christmas meaning of Amaterasu of Greece!" said Sailor Moon.

"And he belongs on a cross!" said Sailor Venus.

"Huh?" said Zoisite. "You guys don't make any sense."

"Shh," said Nephrite, grabbing his arm. "We don't want 'em to get their Western myths straightened out too soon. This is fun."

Sailor Moon said, "God and Buddha may forgive you, but you must be punished in high heels!"

"What's up with these nutty lines?" whispered Zoisite.

"I think this must be a fansub," said Nephrite.

Then, with a series of poses and attacks too familiar and tedious to describe here, Sailor Moon and the scouts blasted Santasmagoria, and reduced him back to Jolly ol' Saint Nick.

Everyone's favorite fat man now lay sprawled at the foot of the Kite-Eating Tree Information Booth. But Zoisite, who had been hit by the Moon Tiara Magic equivalent of shrapnel, was falling to the floor, gasping his last.

Kunzite--a demon lord whose many talents did not include sharing his vulnerable, emotional side--broke through the crowd of gaping bystanders to catch Zoisite in his arms.

"I'm so sorry, Zoisite!" he said. "I would've been here sooner, but I couldn't get past that mob of shoppers trying to buy Furbies at Mr. Bulky's! I failed you!"

"I'm the only one who failed," said Zoisite, smiling weakly. "You told me not to cut in line, but I didn't listen. Promise me one last thing."

"Anything."

"Promise . . ." Zoisite shuddered in Kunzite's arms. "Promise you won't let Disney buy the series and release this on the Princess Collection!"

"I would never."

Darien and Rini approached as the scouts gathered around the dying Zoisite. Nephrite and Jadeite stepped forward as well.

"Hey!" shouted Darien, staring at the four Negaverse generals. "No wonder you look familiar! I just saw your concert in Tokyo last week! You're ABBA!" Then he turned to Sailor Moon. "Don't just stand there and let Frida die! Use your healing wand!"

"Okay!" said Serena, who had always suspected ABBA to be in league with the forces of darkness. "Moon Healing Escalators!"

Zoisite awoke in a fit of coughing.

"Whoops!" said Serena. "I meant 'Escalation.' But I was looking at those escalators over there, and . . . are you all right?"

Zoisite raised his head and said, "Where am I?"

"The Mall of America," said Santa, handing him a candy cane. "Here. This will get your blood sugar back up."

Zoisite knocked it away. "Don't give me that! There's only one thing I want for Christmas." He gazed longingly at Kunzite.

"But I told you, he won't fit in your stocking. Beside, you've been a very bad boy this year. Attacking kitty cats, turning priests into monsters . . ."

"Aw, Santa," said Serena. "Can't you forgive him just this once? After all, he did sell more records than The Beatles."

Santa sighed, and reached into his big, red sack. "Well, maybe I have a little fairy dust left." Then he sprinkled magic glitter over Kunzite.

Kunzite's eyes grew all shimmery, and suddenly, he was surrounded by pastel colors and strange music. He pulled Zoisite against his broad, muscular, tanned chest.

"My Zoisite," he whispered, lips parted.

"Kunzite!"

"Can we be married at once?"

"There's the Chapel Of Love up on level three," said Santa.

"And a really neat bridal shop right next to Cinnabon's," said Zoisite.

It was the most . . . unique wedding ever held in the little chapel by the food court. Hot Topic provided Zoisite's gown and Jadeite's bridesmaid dress, Boxy the priest was summoned from the shadows of the second rainbow crystal to perform the ceremony, the eighth crystal was set into a lovely ring, and Santa himself gave away the bride, since Tux had to be best man (being the only one with a tux), and Nephrite, who thought the whole display was too stupid for words, refused to do anything but sulk in the corner.

Of course, the State of Minnesota would normally never acknowledge such a union. But only the Sailor Moon trufans--those familiar with the original Japanese series--knew the truth about Zoisite. And they weren't telling. ^_^