I don't know why I'm writing this. I should be thinking up a plan, a way to defeat those annoyingly persistent Sailor Senshi. But... I can't do that right now. I have to write. I have never told anyone any of this, but writing is almost therapeutic for me. If I sit down and put my thoughts on paper, it releases them from my mind, detaches them from the pit of my being, and allows me to dismiss them as mere words instead of pain and suffering inside my own heart. I know I sound like a sentimental fool, but this is the only place that I can truly express my emotion. I could never express it to a living being, but this is a lifeless piece of paper, completely indifferent to my pain, and therefore it is no weakness when I sit down and pour my thoughts onto it. It is merely a way for me to forget them.

I never told Zoisite this. In fact, the few times he caught me writing he said nothing, as though respecting my will to keep my thoughts to myself. He never once asked me what I was writing, never once sought to know what I was thinking other than what I would tell him. Of course, I think this might have also been the masochist in him, the need for him to always deny that his pain had a path of release and holding onto it as though it was the only thing left to him in this world. I suffered to see him hurt himself like that, but he needed the pain, needed the sorrow. He felt it was penance for his crimes.

Well, I too am suffering a sort of penance. Even as I write this, I feel my heart clench when I think of him. But I do not end it. I do not end this pitiful existence though I know that I could, and easily. I still bow before Beryl and await her orders as I should, and I tolerate that "overdressed peacock" as Zoisite called him... even though I have never wanted to utterly destroy a human being as I do him. I suffer through all of this, not because I am afraid to die - for that would be the ultimate comfort - and not as a betrayal to Zoisite, though Beryl and Tuxedo Kamen are the reason he is... gone. No, I suffer through it because I too must make up for my crimes. I must make up for the fact that I brought Zoisite into this Kingdom in the first place; an effect due solely to my own desire for success and also to my desire for him... I cannot deny that. The moment I saw him I knew I wanted him. After all, who wouldn't? No creature has ever existed who could match his beauty, his inner strength. Beryl knew that... and I think that was part of the reason she destroyed him.

Also, I must live with the knowledge that I stood by and allowed him to touch that crystal. I knew what it would do to him, I knew that it would change him, give him over to the same darkness to which I was both then and now lost. Knew it would change his love for Nephrite into hatred, knew that his only choice would be to turn to me in order to escape the torture of being alone in this place.

Of course, by then I had known that I was quickly becoming obsessed with this lovely sylph of a boy that had been thrust into my tutelage. The way he held himself; with such dignity, despite the fact that he had suffered so much in the past. The way he stood up to me when I was cruel to him and his friends. His friends... Jadeite and Nephrite. I long ago resigned myself to the fact that their fate was also partly my fault. I hated Nephrite; that I am not ashamed to admit. I hated how Zoisite seemed to show such affection towards him when he treated me as though I was his enemy. I hated him to the point of madness when Beryl summoned me to drop the information into my lap that they were lovers, using that subtly infuriating air to inform me that I should 'look out for their welfare'. Of course, when I heard this I left the throne room in a fury and killed the first youma to cross my path, throwing it against the wall with the force of my anger and cracking it's skull in the process. I almost killed Nephrite as well that day. I took out my jealously and fury on him; and though I always have and always will hate him, I know that I was wrong to treat him in such a manner. I was angry. Zoisite has always brought out emotions in me that I normally would have been able to suppress. Perhaps that was why he was so intoxicating to be with, so infuriating to live without. I will never forgive myself for that lapse of control. Never forgive myself for letting my own desires reign over my self-discipline, which had always been so strong before he came into my life. Never forgive myself for going out every night into the Earth realm before Zoisite was mine and seducing the first blonde-haired green-eyed boy that crossed my path; making him fall desperately in love with me, and leaving him without a kind word the next morning. I don't know how many times I had done this, but I always regretted it afterwards. After all, none of them could even hold a candle to my beautiful Zoisite.

I cannot stand to think that I did nothing when Beryl destroyed him; that I didn't stop her, that I didn't save his life somehow, or perhaps bid her kill me instead. But what kind of a life would it have been? Zoisite, having to survive all alone, with only Beryl and Tuxedo Kamen - his worst enemy - for comfort. He might have gone insane. Still... that is no excuse for my lack of action. It is one of the most shameful things I have ever done, aside from one very little thing, which was, despite how small, perhaps the worst crime of all-

With his dying breath he confessed his love for me... and I said nothing of my own.

I cannot express the astonishment I felt when he told me. I had, of course, thought that he was in love with Nephrite. Part of the reason I had been so cold to him, so harsh, was that I was under the impression that the only reason he had come to me in the first place was that he had been afraid of being alone, a fear which I had known about of course. I had thought that he only needed me for comfort after his love for Nephrite had turned to hatred, and I had by then begrudgingly accepted the humiliating knowledge that despite all I did to deny it I was hopelessly in love with him...

Yes. I can say it now, or rather write it, confess it to this inanimate piece of paper. I loved him - senselessly perhaps - but I loved him just the same. I loved his enthusiasm, his impulsiveness, his tenderness, and yes, even his feisty temper that he seemed to focus on everyone but me. He called up memories in me somehow... thoughts and feelings that I had felt long ago, perhaps from a past time... yes, perhaps.

But when he told me that he had loved me... had always loved me...

Well.

As I said, I cannot express how this revelation made me feel, especially not with words. He lay there, dying before me, slowly weakening, his power and life force fading, his eyes half closed... indescribably beautiful. I had wanted to cry. Of course I never cry, not even in private, but I had wanted to then. It seemed the only way I could ease my suffering, perhaps block the image of him so powerless with a watery shield of tears. But I... couldn't. I felt empty inside, cheated and bitter. He lay there so helpless, so weak, but all that I could do was stare at him. His beauty struck me for the first time as something familiar, something infinitely pure and untainted with the darkness around us. I think that perhaps that was why I loved him most of all. He was a bright, shining, golden light in this place. The only one it ever had.

And then, those words...

"I-I love you Kunzite-sama. I have always loved you..."

My heart stopped, my breath caught in my throat. I saw the look in his eyes; he was no longer under Metallia's influence. These were his words, his feelings! I felt for perhaps the first time in the Dark Kingdom the pure unadulterated adrenaline of joy.

But then, his eyes suddenly became anguished, and I realized that I had not said anything. I opened my mouth, but no sound came out. I simply... could not say it. Could not admit what I still saw as a weakness in myself to the darkness around us, to Metallia and Beryl. Could not let them know the extent to which they had hurt me by taking him away.

Instead, I said the only thing I could think of.

"Forgive me, Zoisite."

The pain in his eyes reached a peak then, and I longed to tell him everything, to tell him that he was the only person I would ever love, that I had always loved him more than my own life, from the very beginning. But... by then it was too late.

This may seem strange... but this is not a fairy tale. Nothing ever ends up happily ever after in reality. There was no startling revelation of my love for him that allowed my beloved to rest in peace. He died with tears in his eyes, no doubt because he thought I did not love him. Seconds later he disappeared, as thought his entire existence, all of the pain and suffering, and yes even triumph, had meant nothing. As if he was no longer significant at all. Even Beryl's words, 'get rid of it', had been eloquent of this thought. I was perhaps the only person that had ever loved him, and he had died thinking even that love had been a lie.

I walked out then, my hands clenched into fists at my sides, my entire body sore from the tension within me. I retired to my chambers, fell down on my bed, and merely stared at the ceiling for what seemed like hours.

And then, in the darkness of my chambers; I had whispered it to the room, to the darkness, to Beryl, to everyone... to the gods themselves, if such sadistic creatures truly exist-

"I love you, Zoisite."

I hope he heard me. I hope that somehow, someway, he was there and heard what I had whispered to the darkness around me. If not, I hope he is somewhere where it doesn't matter, where he does not remember, or does not feel the pain that I knew my rejection caused him.

I can only hope.

But for now, I will live out my penance. Suffer as I know I made him suffer with my coldness and my desire to hide my emotions within me. Zoisite had asked me once, when he had woken up from a particularly frightening nightmare, what it was that I feared.

I hadn't answered him. How could I? But the thought had been there, at the forefront of my mind, and I had almost... almost said it.

"What are you afraid of?"

... Losing you.

Ah, I truly am a pathetic creature. But his death left a void in me which even the sudden and unexpected freedom of Metallia cannot cure. I love him. I have never suffered more than I have over him, and I regret all of it... I should never have brought him to this place.

I must go. If whatever gods reside over my sad existence have any mercy, I will not return. I will join Zoisite wherever he is and no longer have to live with my pain, and my regrets.

Sayonara, Zoisite. Ai shiteru.