Anyway, before I forget, this is my first attempt at Dark Kingdom fanfiction. So, without any further ado (about nothing, as always), I bring you the following tragical comedy, in one act. Yes, this is supposed to be serious. You're supposed to cry and stuff, so do it! Or I'll sic my attack dogs on you!
These characters are NOT in any way owned by me. They are the property of of the people who own them and NOT me! So don't sue me; I'm not worth that much, anyway. $5 maximum...sheesh.
Now, on with the stupidity!
It was a nauseatingly wonderful spring day, the kind that always seems to be abundant in cartoons like the Paw Paw Bears, and the kind which, in real, actual life, occur maybe once in every several million years. Ah, the birds were singing, the bees were buzzing, and they were doing it all uncomfortably close to Jadeite's head, making his already ravaging hayfever seem even worse. He sneezed for the millionth time, watching the silly humans run around in Tokyo, planning a new way to get their energy.
He was disguised as a potted plant this time. This was easy enough to tell; it said so on his t-shirt.
"They'll never figure out that it's me!" he snickered. And they never did.
However, as he watched from his hiding place (he mingled in the busiest crowds, only raising a few eyebrows as the more observant citizens of Tokyo wondered how a potted plant was able to move by itself), he saw something strange in the sky.
"Oh no! I see something strange in the sky."
He squinted at the something strange in the sky, and he made sure it wasn't another Senshi; those were pretty strange. It was not a Senshi, but a large gopher. Jadeite could tell it was a large gopher because it had been written on the side with a blue magic marker. However, it turned around, and as soon as he was no longer able to see the writing, he could see it as it truly was: it was some kind of UFO.
As Jadeite tried to think of silly things that the acronym "UFO" could be short for ("Undergarments Fried to Order" was his favorite), the thing landed. Something on the front of it, which was probably either a door or an exit, opened, and a bunch of alienish things came flouncing out. Jadeite couldn't believe his eyes; they looked just like those things from Mars Attacks, and he couldn't believe that for all the cracks he'd made about that movie. But even now that he'd seen that the movie had been pretty accurate, he still thought it was a really dumb movie.
But he supposed he was like that.
Pondering the unponderable, the potted plant that we usually refer to as Jadeite went unnoticed to the aliens. After all, what did they care about what was obviously a potted plant? They filed off happily, making odd noises, and amazingly, the citizens of Tokyo didn't notice them, either.
"That's odd," remarked Jadeite. "Their disguises aren't THAT good."
Kunzite pushed the rewind button on the VCR remote from his position on the sofa. He would've gotten up to do it, but he didn't want to, so he didn't.
After 29 straight hours of watching Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Cats," he was slightly drained.
Actually, he was in such a brain-cell destroying, TV-induced stupor that he probably wouldn't be anything resembling intelligent life for well over a year.
It was perfectly normal for him. Of course, you didn't think that Kunzite is that icy and detached for nothing, did you?
Kunzite loved "Cats." It was the only real appealing thing to him in life (besides Zoisite and his cape, and those attractions were a result of his unhealthy obsession with "Cats"); it was intellectually stimulating, emotionally pleasant, and best of all, it starred a bunch of singing, dancing kitties!
The first time he had seen "Cats" had been a terrible blow to Queen Beryl. It had left her most brilliant king a jelly-brained nitwit. However, she found that by promising him Luna and Artemis, two cats that actually did sing and dance, she was able to gain his undying loyalty, even if he was still three brain cells shy of a pair.
Kunzite spent most of his free time picking up stray cats. He hoped fervently that at least one of them would be able to sing and dance. They never could, however, and their coming to his house was always a problem.
Whenever Kunzite brought a cat back to his house, Zoisite died. Zoisite had died several times now, and he was getting quite tired of it. Dying certainly wasn't one of Zoisite's favorite things to do, and the more he did it, the less he liked it. It always seemed to mess up his hair.
Wait, let me start again.
Whenever Kunzite brought a cat back to his house, it died. Zoisite ate cats. They were quite tasty barbecued, and as long as he didn't tell Kunzite where the cat had gone, the disappearing felines were never noticed.
Wait, let me start again.
Whenever Kunzite brought a cat back to his house, it got dyed green. Zoisite hated cats, unless they were green. Zoisite threatened that when Kunzite finally did get Luna and Artemis, he would dye them green. This was perfectly fine with Kunzite, because he didn't care what color the cats were as long as they could dance and sing. This was also fine with Zoisite, because he liked green cats, though there weren't too many of them in the world (like, none).
This IS important! There might be a test on it later!
Anyway, after the 29 hours of pure musical satisfaction, Kunzite decided (now remember, folks, he has no use of his brain) that he would go to Tokyo to take a walk.
He did so.
Jadeite got tired of being a potted plant by about the sixteenth time someone tried to water him. Each time, he had wound up soggy, and the good samaritan plant-lover had wound up with no energy left. He surmised that this was obviously a very good way to obtain energy for the Dark Kingdom. However, it was a very annoying one; he didn't like this plan, however happy it might make Beryl.
He tore off the stupid t-shirt and immediately got arrested for public nudity, even though he had still been wearing pants. You see, someone---and we still suppose it was Nephrite---had written "I have no clothes on! Arrest me!" on Jadeite's back when he wasn't looking.
He beat up the cops and teleported elsewhere, wondering why everyone who looked at him immediately turned away, blushing. It was starting to irk him.
The aliens (which were actually pod people), began marching their merry way through Tokyo; there were five of them. They were pod people with the eyes of artists, for they would not choose a person to copy unless he or she was very aesthetically pleasing, a perfect specimen of the human race. They looked about, happy enough on the outside, yet downtrodden inwardly, because they could not find their perfect specimen for to copy.
After a few hours, they happened upon the most perfect man they had ever seen....
Kunzite had absolutely no idea of where he was going. He seldom ever did anymore, so it was actually pretty funny that Zoisite looked up to him so much. Although, he WAS taller than Zoisite (which isn't hard to be), so that may have been the main reason Zoisite looked up to him. For whatever reason, it should still be funny. Laugh.
He wandered blindly for several hours, only running into walls a few times. Lots of people in Tokyo automatically assumed he was a superhero, for he was wearing a cape. The ones who didn't think he was a superhero thought he was a rock star, and the ones who didn't think he was either thought he was a wino.
However, he eventually saw a bunch of weird thingies. The weird thingies looked like mutant shower scum to Kunzite, but he didn't say that because he didn't want to hurt their feelings. The mutant shower scum (we know them as pod people) hopped about, drooling as if they thought he was Leonardo diCaprio or something.
He would have been disturbed if he'd only had the brain.
"Hello," he said to the foremost one. "Are you a...?" He trailed off. Maybe these were cats. Maybe they could dance and sing for him. They were already green, so Zoisite wouldn't have to bother dyeing them.
He was almost ready to ask them to accompany him, when suddenly, they were not there anymore. Kunzite then thought he was looking into five mirrors, because there were five more Kunzites standing in front of him.
He grinned, was about to say something, and was promptly zapped. He disappeared, sending the nude blond man (who wasn't really nude; he had pants on) who had been approaching him flying down the street, screaming.
"YES!! YES!!! HE'S GOOOONE!!" Jadeite ran naked (but not really) through the streets of Tokyo, running up and jumping off buildings' steps and doing heelkicks like one of those kids in "Newsies." Jadeite preferred "Newsies" to "Cats," though he wasn't crazy about either. He was always too busy working alone to see musicals, and music gave him headaches anyway. He preferred "Newsies" over "Cats" because he did not like Kunzite, who did like "Cats."
Jadeite didn't like Kunzite because he was spooky and not very nice to him. Kunzite was spooky and not very nice, not Jadeite. Jadeite had heard lots of stories about Kunzite, a lot of which Jadeite didn't believe and an equal portion of which Jadeite did believe.
One story, for example, was a theory on why Kunzite's hair was white and/or silver; some people said it was just really bad dandruff, while other people claimed that Kunzite was really a mutant polar bear, which explained his hair's chameleon-like tendencies (algae grows in the shafts of polar bears' white hair, making them appear green). Still other people said that Kunzite was bald and didn't have any hair, but what everyone saw and assumed was hair was actually Carolina moss. There were even a few individuals that claimed Kunzite got his white and/or silver hair from his father, which was highly ridiculous.
After all, why would Kunzite's father give him his hair when Kunzite was perfectly capable of growing his own?
There were other stories, too, about such things as what he saw in Zoisite and why he didn't button his uniform. Eventually, the latter question was answered; his mommy had always dressed him, and now that she was gone, he simply did not know how to dress himself. The more Jadeite heard these stories, the more scared he became of Kunzite, especially when Kunzite had told some of these stories himself. In person.
Now that Kunzite was gone, Jadeite was happy. Kunzite was not spooky, as long as he wasn't there, and he definitely couldn't be mean to Jadeite. Jadeite had seen the weird green things turn into five other Kunzites, however, and when he finally remembered this (and realized how dumb he looked running through the streets naked-but-not-really), he groaned and stopped. He would probably not like having five Kunzites. He didn't even like the one. He decided that something would have to be done about the five more Kunzites, preferably something violent.
He turned back around, trekking slowly back to the last place he had seen the Kunzites, which, he supposed, HAD to be Pod Peoples...
Zoisite didn't like cats. In fact, he hated them, unless they were green.
Blissfully unaware of his lover's disappearance, Zoisite proceeded to ride the carousel at the amusement park until he got sick. He was never able to get sick, though, because the attendants eventually kicked him off. They did not kick him off for riding continuously, but for filling another attendant's chest with pointy ice crystals upon his calling Zoisite "ma'am." The attendant died, and Zoisite, miffed, went off to look for some ice cream.
The amusement park was a very fun place for a lot of people, and Zoisite always had fun riding the carousel until someone called him "ma'am" and was killed. Sometimes he and Kunzite would go there together and beat people in costumes up, then take the costumes and screw with customers' minds. THAT was always fun. Today, however, Zoisite was having less fun than usual, because there was nobody to terrorize.
He was debating going back to the Dark Kingdom and duct taping Nephrite to the wall and torturing him when he saw the flash of silvery white hair. Eyes widening, he ran to the person whom he thought he knew to be Kunzite.
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Pop Quiz!
1. Zoisite hates:
a.) cats
b.) rats
c.) your local congressman
d.) both a and b
2. Jadeite has
a.) a high fever
b.) hayfever
c.) Scarlet fever
d.) Saturday Night Fever
3. The beasts that attacked Kunzite are:
a.) Care Bears
b.) Girl Scouts
c.) Scotsmen
d.) Nothing attacked him; he was just zapped
4. Jadeite prefers _____ to "Cats."
a.) root canals
b.) "Newsies"
c.) Tetanus shots
d.) backrubs from Titus
5. Kunzite's hair is white because
a.) he is a mutant polar bear.
b.) he can't afford Head and Shoulders.
c.) the mummy episode of Scooby Doo really scared him.
d.) it just is.
ANSWERS: 1. d; trick question! 2. b; he doesn't even own a disco outfit. 3. d; another trick question! HA! 4. b; although, Tetanus shots are a close second. 5. d; DUH!
SCORING: Give yourself 5 points for every right answer, take off 7 points for every wrong answer. Take ten points off for every answer you didn't deem important enough to answer seriously!
25-21: Hyuck! You paid attention to my story! ;D
20-16: Aww....so close.. :)
15-11: See those lines right there..? Reading between them might help.. :I
10-6: I'd hate to see your English grade! This story ain't exactly Beowulf.. :/
5-0: Did you even read my story?? Gee, I feel great!! >:(
less than 0: Can you even read, period? HELLO?? >:O
Now, let us dive back in...!!
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Nephrite hated doing laundry. Absolutely HATED it. The only good things that came out of laundry were the markers; thick and black, they provided Neph with the tools he needed to CREATE..!
A wall could suddenly become a Ferocious Megalosaurus, a Ferrari Testarossa could become a Smouldering Heap O' Junk, and most importantly of all, Jadeite could be made Nude (but not really) anytime Nephrite so desired! The trick didn't work with Zoisite, however, as Nephrite found out; Zoi had eventually found out, and had been less than pleased when the laundry marker didn't come off his back with simple soap and water. Ever since the incident, Zoisite had hated Nephrite.
Mostly because he wasn't green.
Sighing to himself, Nephrite began to put clean clothes in the washing machine and dirty clothes in the dryer. He could not tell which was which, for he only had one kind of outfit! After he was done making a mess of things, he decided he would go to Tokyo to walk around. Perhaps he would see some of his friends, and perhaps if he didn't, he would pick up some sake or maybe imported liquor...oh, the choices.
"Mmm...Usagi, could you hand me my jacket?"
Usagi handed Mamoru his jacket.
"Thanks, Usagi! Now, will you hand me my shirt?"
Usagi handed Mamoru his shirt.
"Thanks! Can you hand me my pants now? We'd better hurry up before your parents get home."
Usagi handed Mamoru his pants.
"Okay. Can you hand me my underwear?"
"I...I can't find them.."
"WHAT?!" Mamoru stooped down to look in the dryer. Sure enough, it was empty, and his underwear were nowhere to be found. "Well, this is just wonderful! First, my washer and dryer break, and I have to come here to use yours, and now we've managed to lose my underwear! Juuuuust GREAT!"
"Maybe that Kunzite guy stole your underwear," offered Usagi, gazing past Mamoru.
Mamoru blinked. "Yeah, yeah...that's it. Kunzite stole my underwear. Whatever in your meatball-headed little mind ever told you THAT?"
Usagi shrugged. "Well, he's standing right behind you."
Mamoru straightened up and looked over his shoulder. The silver-haired king grinned, waving. He was wearing Mamoru's underwear like they were some sort of hat.
"YOU FREAK!!! What do you think you're doing with those?!?!" Mamoru proceeded to wave his arms and jump up and down and nearly succeeded in giving himself a heart attack. The Kunzite remained a silent grinning entity. And then it ran out the front door, waving Mamoru's underwear like a flag of victory!
"Don't just stand there!" Mamoru, red-faced, addressed the giggling Usagi. "We've got to save my underwear!"
(Will Mamoru find his underwear? Will Kunzite escape whatever has happened to him? Will Nephrite ever figure out how to work the dryer? Find out in the next installment of "Pod Peoples Kunzite"! Same Pod-time, same Pod-channel!)