Warning: I get my ideas from typos sometimes, and there are a few odd ones in here. Oh, yeah. This story is also a clean story. I would never, ever write anything of questionable content... *innocent whistling*

Welcome back, my friend, to the show that never ends..
we're so glad you could attend...
Pay me cash, pay me cash...

Queen Beryl had been polishing her crystal ball a lot. Polish polish polish polish until it was all shiny. She held it up to examine its pretty, pretty surface and OOPSIE! it slipped out of her hand and shattered like a crystal ball upon the floor! Beryl blinked, looking at the shards of crystal ball that were now littering the floor around the foot of her throne. She looked at the mess for about an hour before simply shrugging. "Oh well."

JUST THEN, what to her wondering eyes did appear but a General Kunzite, grinning from ear to ear.

"Just the man I wanted to see," snorted Beryl like a rather large pig.. "Are you busy?"

The Kunzite nodded, shook his head, and shrugged.

Beryl blinked. "What kind of an answer is THAT?"

The Kunzite nodded, shook his head, and shrugged.

"Oh yes, I've forgotten how incredibly stupid you are now." She rolled her eyes and took a piece of Bubblicious as big as Luna out of one of the imaginary pockets in her dress. She proceeded to cram the piece of gum into her mouth (it fit, not surprisingly, rather well). She chewed rather noisily and snapped it and blew bubbles and did other stupid gum tricks whilst the Kunzite looked serenely on, never saying a word but grinning like a stale buffalo all the time.

Beryl stood up and struck what she thought was a very sexy pose, a hand on her hip and a hand on her head and her legs spread apart and her eyelashes just a-battin' away. She popped her gum. "Do you think I'm sexy, Kunzite? Do I make you want to make love to me for all of eternity or until the Simpsons come on, whichever comes last?"

The Kunzite nodded, shook his head, and shrugged.

"What do you mean by that? Have you gotten stupider since you've been in here?"

The Kunzite nodded, shook his head, and shrugged.

"Is that ALL you can do?!?"

The Kunzite nodded, shook his head, and shrugged.

Then, the Kunzite kicked her in the shins, beeped her nose, and ran down the hall.

"You insubordinate fruity freak! How dare you do that to your QUEEN!!"

Beryle (who had decided to add an E to her name two seconds ago), stood seething as the Kunzite disappeared from sight.

Jadeite was wondering just what he could do about the world's Kunzite problems. He assumed that since there were so many (more than none was way too much), nobody would miss them if they were "disposed" of.

But how to do that?? Kunzite, even though he was dumber than a rock that was left too long in a bucket of Pepsi, was a powerful and formidable opponent. Pain did not reach his brain, after all, so one would have to hack off all of Kunzite's limbs and feed them to him before one could safely hope to defeat him in one-on-one combat. Jadeite was not sure if jet planes were a good idea yet.

As Jadeite walked along the sidewalks, leaving the people he passed turning varying degrees of crimson, he neglected to watch where he was going.. He bumped into something shorter than he. Something mad. Something that kicked him in the nuts.

He fell to the sidewalk, writhing in agony and generally acting like a Jadeite who just got kicked in the nuts. After the fires had died down some, he sat up, looking at his aggressor.

"Zoisite..??"

Commercial break!

(Camera switches to a kitchen, in which Jadeite and Nephrite are standing dressed in cooking outfits, chefs' hats and cute little aprons that say "Dark Kitchen" on them)

JADEITE: Hi, kids! Would you like something that will make you as cool as me?

NEPHRITE: But not everyone has those problems, Jeddy.

JADEITE: Shut up. Ahem, anyway. (displays a food dehydrator) You can buy this food dehydrator and then you can make and eat lots of jerky. You can even make Senshi jerky, if you have the right ingredients!

NEPHRITE: You canNOT make Senshi jerky. Or any other kind of jerky with that thing...I bet it explodes.

JADEITE: Can so. Just watch...I'll make you a sample jerky. First, you prepare the strips of meat however you want them... (brings out a bowl of marinated strips of meat) I've got some right here, already prepared. (sticks them in the machine) And you wait for about 3 days..

NEPHRITE: But I don't wanna wait here for three days!

JADEITE: That's why I thought ahead and made some for us. See? Ready made! (holds out a plate of jerky)

NEPHRITE: (taking a piece, tentatively takes a bite, then, after finding that it is good, chews with much relish) Hey, this is good..! Sweet, too. What's this made out of?

USAGI: (runs across the set, pauses in the middle of the kitchen out of breath) Have either of you seen Chibi-Usa? (notices jerky) What's that you're eating?

NEPHRITE: (eyes get very big, stopping in mid-chew)

Now back to our show! (Camera blacks out, and sounds of a very sick Neffy are abundant)

Kunzite, the real Kunzite, had been running into the spaceship wall for what seemed like an eternity. He had been beamed there when he had been zapped, for the aliens did not deem him too much of a threat.

There was a door several meters to his left, but he couldn't see it. He couldn't see anything, as a matter of fact. It was pitch-black, because the lights weren't on in the spaceship. There was a glowing light switch next to the door that Kunzite couldn't see, shining an iridescent green, impatiently waiting for Kunzite to turn him on, baby. But the light switch was disappointed.

The lights weren't on in the spaceship and they wouldn't be for a long time.

The lights weren't on in Kunzite's head and they wouldn't be for a long time..

He continued to ram into the wall with his shoulder. Eventually, perhaps, he would break his way through...

The red Ferarri careened through the busy Tokyo traffic, occasionally stepping from the road and up and onto the sidewalk in order to dodge the cars that were heading at it straight on. Driving the wrong way down one-way streets was one of Nephrite's favorite things to do, and it was one of the few things that Queen Beryle (with an E now) allowed him.. It was perfectly okay with her, and she would actually RATHER he partake in that particular activity.

Needless to say, Queen Beryle (with an E now) didn't like Neffy a whole hell of a lot.

The red Ferarri screeched to a halt in the middle of a flock of scared people. "Pretty good for never having taken a lesson in my life," smirked Nephrite to a collapsed woman as he stepped out of the car, heading toward a building. As soon as he was a suitable distance from the car, he turned and took a remote control type thingy out of his pants pocket.

ZZZZZAPAROONI! Nephrite pointed the remote control type thingy toward his car, and he pushed the button on the remote control type thingy, and the doors on his car locked themselves.

ZZZZZAPAROONI! Nephrite pointed the remote control type thingy toward his car, and he pushed the button on the remote control type thingy, and the doors on his car unlocked themselves.

ZZZZZAPAROONI! Nephrite pointed the remote control type thingy toward a pretty lady on the street, and he pushed the button on the remote control type thingy, and two things shot up. The lady's dress and as a result, Nephrite's

Oops, there goes another commercial.

We interrupt this little fic to preach the importance of cleanliness. Cleanliness is next to godliness, of course. We'd never let our guests see our house all dirty, would we? That's why there are cleaners and things.

So it's only natural that eventually someone would make that sort of thing to clean up fanfiction (making it hentai FREE, of course) so that our guests could see our writing at our very cleanest. Let me introduce to you the wondrous-beautiful (that's wunderschoen to you Germans) new product, Muckbuster, the Censor Cleanser!

Just spray your fanfic every once in a while and it will be as clean as a whistle, with no dirty spots! Having said this, we will now shut our traps and continue with the story! How 'bout that?

....hand, as he covered his eyes and pushed the button again, replacing the garment. He muttered an apology to the lady, but she wasn't a proper lady and had actually liked it, it being Nephrite seeing her undergarments. She scribbled her phone number on Nephrite's hand with a laundry marker, and with a saucy wink, she was gone. Poof! Just like that! Nephrite stared at his hand and he wondered why the lady had just turned his hand into a bunch of numbers.

He put the remote control type thingy back in his pants pocket and resumed walking toward the building, apparently forgetting that he'd left his car unlocked.

After a closer look, Jadeite deduced that he was not staring up at Zoisite, but at a rabid granny doing a very good impression of Zoisite. It said so on his uniform jacket.

Zoisite caught Jadeite's blank stare and looked down at his uniform jacket. Sure enough, it said "I am a rabid granny doing a very good impression of Zoisite! Stare at me blankly!" Zoisite snarled and pulled off his jacket, littering like only a rebel granny litters, with PASSION and FIRE!

Jadeite blinked, finally recognizing his fellow, um, evil guy named after a rock.

"Why did you just kick me in the nuts, Zoi-chan...?" Jadeite was curious.

"I hadn't been aware that you had any, Jeddy." Zoi-chan shrugged. He hadn't been aware that Jeddy had any.

"Well, I do." Jadeite picked himself off of the ground. Well, he did have nuts.

"Are you sure about that?" Zoisite questioned Jadeite's possession of nuts.

"Of course I'm sure. Would you like to see?" Jadeite was sure he had them, and he offered to show them to Zoisite.

"Of course I would." Zoisite would like to see Jadeite's nuts very much indeed.

"Okay, then." Jadeite would show Zoisite his nuts.

And with that, Jadeite showed Zoisite his nuts.

"Hmm...I damaged them, didn't I?" Zoisite inspected them, seeing they were damaged.

"Yes, you did. I was very upset, you know." Jadeite had been very upset, you know.

"You could always get some new ones, you know." Zoisite suggested that Jadeite get some new nuts.

"But I like these." Jadeite liked his nuts.

"Oh, quit whining....I'll buy you some more later..." Zoisite would purchase some more nuts for Jadeite later.

And with that, Zoisite flung the dented can of cashews away, littering like only a rebel granny litters, with PASSION and FIRE!!

ATTENTION: "I never get paid! How am I supposed to support my family?!"

"Are you upset with something or someone, Zoisite?"

"Gee, how'd you ever guess?"

"Maybe it was the fact that you seem to be gripping my throat awfully tightly."

"Oh." Zoisite released his hold on Jadeite's throat. "Well, yes, I'm upset....it's Kunzite.. He--"

"You know, there are six of him now," Jadeite interrupted. "Only one is real, and the other ones are all fake...they're aliens or something stupid like that."

"Really..? That might explain why Kunzite was being an idiot..."

"Zoi...."

"Well, more of an idiot than usual, I guess, would be more accurate. So what do you propose we do about the other Kunzites? Personally..." --and Zoisite smirked-- "I wouldn't mind having my own harem of them....but I guess that makes me sound like a cheap whore or something, doesn't it?" Zoisite levelled an icy gaze as level as Zoisitely possible toward Jadeite who was at least a head taller than he was and therefore not really on a level to level with.

Jadeite shook his head "NO" very violently indeed!

"No, that's fine! Harem, gotcha. Good idea! WONDERFUL idea! All we have to do is find them..." He pondered for a moment before looking hopefully to Zoisite. "Any ideas..?"

"Nope."

"Damn..." Jadeite turned to pace.

"Do you know that you're naked?"

"What are you talking about??"

"You're naked. Says so on your back, dude. It also says you should be arrested."

Jadeite turned his head as much as Jadeitely possible and strained to see the writing on his back...he saw the top of the "N" in what could have been "naked," he thought.

"Frig. Well, this is probably Nephrite's doing..."

"Those don't come off very well with simple soap and water."

"Yeah, I know...well, I'm not really naked, so it won't matter too much if you and I know it."

In reality, without uniform jackets, Zoisite and Jadeite were both HALF-naked! They both realized this at the same instant, and stared for an awkward moment at each other.

"You know, Zoi, you ARE kinda cute."

"You're not so bad yourself, Jed."

They stared at each other for another awkward moment before making an important declaration simultaneously and in unison.

"BLECHH!"

"What were we doing again, Mamo-chan..?" Usagi asked for the billionth time, even though she knew the answer. Usagi was getting bored. She didn't quite see what the importance of THIS pair of underwear was..

"We are looking for my underwear, Usagi," answered Mamoru for the billionth time, even though he knew she knew the answer. He knew Usagi was getting bored, but his undies were important, dammit. They were his favorite pair, ones given to him by his late parents, who had conveniently died. They were also quite small, being so old and all, which answers the age-old question:

YES, MAMORU'S SHORTS ARE WAY TOO TIGHT!

Ahem. Anyways...

Mamoru was down on his hands and knees, crawling along and sniffing the sidewalk like those dogs always do in the cartoons when they're trying to find somebody. He had a chain choke collar on, and the leash had been given to Usagi by some brilliant person. She walked along behind him, wondering what she would do if he were to see a fire hydrant.

"You know, Mamoru, I don't think this is going to work," subtly hinted Usagi in one of the fits of brilliance this fic so lacks.

"Quiet, woman." Mamoru wanted Usagi to shut the hell up and let him sniff the damn sidewalk. "Of course it's going to work. Usagi, which one of us actually went through school with GOOD grades?"

"Uhm...you...?"

"Yes, exactly. Grood grades equals--"

"Excuse me, but did you just say 'grood?'"

"How the hell should I know?"

"I could have sworn you just said 'grood...'"

Mamoru turned around and sat on his haunches, glaring at her. "Okay, whatever, so I screwed up. Happy now??"

Usagi nodded her head "YES" very violently indeed!

Mamoru growled and was in the process of biting Usagi's ankles (we all know Mamoru is an ankle biter), when Usagi stopped nodding her head very violently indeed and jerked really hard on the leash, Making Mamoru's Eyes Bug Out. He made a noise that sounded something like this: GHGRLALGHHGLRRRGHL

"Hey..? Isn't THAT Kunzite..?" She pointed off into the distance, squinting just a little.

Mamoru turned his head, following her finger (which wasn't really going anywhere, but you know what I mean) to what she was pointing at.

He screamed like a girl!!

He saw a bright red, sleek, Italian sportscar.

Its driver was a white- and/or silver-haired man who was grinning like a stale buffalo who'd been left too long in a bucket of Pepsi.

The Ferarri was heading straight for them...

(Awww! Over so soon? Did I really tell you anything that really had anything to do with the actual plot this time? Have you figured out yet that this story is making fun of everyone except Sailor Mercury?

Wait, it's not making fun of Sailor Mercury, is it?? Well, we'll fix that right now!!)

POD PEOPLES KUNZITE STARRING SAILOR MERCURY

Sailor Mercury had a big brain and blue hair. She had an eye queue of 300, according to some people. That's a big-ass eye queue, isn't it??

Sailor Mercury sometimes liked to dress up as a pirate and pretend she was Cap'n Bluehair! She would take a blue marker and draw a beard on her face and wear old piratey clothes. She'd take pointy sticks and poke them at the rears of cats and small boys! Wheee!

NO, I do NOT mean Ami Mizuno or Mizuno Ami or any other inversions of the same person! I mean SAILORMERCURY!

One day, Sailor Mercury, er hur, I mean CAP'N BLUEHAIR, was pirately jigging down the street. She kept tripping over herself, too, because pirately jigging is very hard to do. As she tripped over herself down the street, she sang a little song that she'd made up, which went like this:

TRALALA
TRALALA
TRALALA
HAPPY PIRATE
TRALALA
TRALALA
TRALALA
ARRRR MATEY!

Except it didn't sound like that, because she was really singing it in Japanese. It sounded more like this:

TLARARA
TLARARA
TLARARA
HAPPY PILATE
TLARARA
TLARARA
TLARARA
ALLLL MATEY!

(I am not being racist, I am being funny. ;P)

Anyways...

As CAP'N BLOOHAIR tripped over herself down the street, she happened upon a group of small children on crack. One of the small children on crack, apparently the leader, was a small, fungal, demonic-looking thing with big-ass red eyes and pink hair, and she had these clam thingies on her head. They looked like clams.

Her name was either Small Lady or Chibi-Usa, but I'm still confused as to which. Wait a minute whilst I figure it out...

HOW TO DETERMINE WHETHER CHIBI-USA'S NAME IS CHIBI-USA:
1.) Find a small child.
2.) Determine it to be hellspawn.
a) Does it have red eyes?
b) Does it have pink hair?
c) Does it have clams on its head?
3.) If you can sucessfully determine whether it is Chibi-Usa or not, then you may ask it of its name.

Chibi-Usa stared at Cap'n Bluehair, aka Sailor Mercury, then smacked her up'sides the head with her crackpipe.

Sailor Mercury died, and they had four weddings and a funeral.

Oh, wait, no, she didn't...nevermind...

One of the small children on crack who was with Chibi-Usa wasn't so small, wasn't a child, and he wasn't really on crack. He was just pretending to be....or something... He was a tall and muscular man with a tall and muscular tanned chest, and tall and muscular white and/or silver hair. He was wearing a pair of underwear on his head and the dumbest grin you ever did see on his face.

"Good God." Cap'n Bluehair wasn't a religious pirate, but she made the statement anyway. "Isn't that Kunzite?"

Chibi-Usa-on-crack looked at the Kunzite. "Oh, no. That's Bobby."

"Looks like Kunzite to me."

"Well, it's not. Bobby is my best friend. He has a neat hat that looks like Mamoru's underwear."

"How would you know what Mamoru's underwear looks like?"

"Take a wild guess, Jolly Roger."

Just then, Bobby, aka the Kunzite, grinned even wider, then he pulled a rabbit out of his hat

Wait, no, a rope out of his pants pocket. He used the rope to tie up Chibi-Usa, who was by this time shrieking like a little devilish thingy. He ran away, leaving Cap'n Bluehair blinking in utter confusion.

(Okay, better? That's the real ending of part two. Stay tuned until next episode, where I do some more equally-silly things.)