You may ask "what the Helsinki is going on, Jess?? Why do we have all four kings AND that Chibi-Usa thing?? Do we get outer senshi, too??" I will answer all these questions right now.
1.) Heh heh heh, wouldn't YOU like to know!
2.) This is complicated. See, "Pod Peoples Kunzite" is set in a complex alternate universe to the series, based on my own interpretations of the series and my own whimsical and sometimes twisted desires. I have calculated very carefully the roles in this alternate "dimension" of my own making, if you will, to ensure optimum fic-reading satisfaction for any and all readers looking for a good way to kill a few brain cells. My universe is perfection, and of course, a masterpiece of wit and artistry.
In other words, "gee, I dunno, Brain...NARF!" ^_^;;;
3.) If you want to pay me extra, I'll throw in an outer senshi cameo or two. However, I think that Usagi and Mercury are the only two senshian beings in this story. Don't quote me on that, though.
"My GOD, are you an idiot? What are you trying to do, kill me??"
The crazed sales clerk who was trying to kill Nephrite nodded, grinning gleefully and took another swing at Nephrite (or Sanjouin Masato, take your pick) with the object that was in his hand. The object happened to be a glass bottle, and it shattered against Nephrite's studly chest, glass shards piercing the fabric of his fashionable shirt-thingy and also staining it a bright crimson.
Nephrite staggered backwards, blinking, a hand groping at the red fluid that oozed from his chest. He brought his hand back up and examined it.
Then he jackslapped the damn sales clerk (who was immediately knocked out) and snatched the bottle away, tossing it away. A shattering crash resounded a few moments later, but nobody really cared.
"Idiot, you got ketchup on my trendy shirt." Again, nobody really cared, except for Nephrite, who was mighty ticked. He snarled and pulled off his trendy shirt, tossing the ketchup-splattered garment on top of the crazed sales clerk. "You can just keep it, then." Nephrite scrawled something obscene on the crazed sales clerk's forehead with a laundry marker and wandered back outside. He'd get detergent another day.
"Walmart's hell," he grumbled as he stepped through the door. He was immediately aware that his car seemed to be missing. "....oh, shit." He clenched his fists and was about to do something extremely mature, like beat his head against an ATM machine, when he impulsively looked at the ground for a short person to kick and saw the skid marks on the road. He saw that they led out of the parking lot and east. He rubbed his chin, wondering what that meant.
And out of nowhere, Sailor Pluto popped up behind him!
"Those tracks probably mean that your car is that way." She pointed and then disappeared in a puff of green, pineapple-scented smoke before Nephrite could say "what the frigging hell...?"
"What the frigging hell...?" said Nephrite too late. Although, what the scary greenhaired lady had said made sense. Sort of.
"What the hell," said Nephrite, who was beginning to make this fic look like it needed an advisory warning for bad language. He shrugged and began following the skid marks.
"Whoever stole it must be a worse driver than I am..."
Zoisite was having ENTIRELY too much fun with Jadeite.
Ack, let me rephrase that.
Zoisite was having ENTIRELY too much of an enjoyable shared experience with Jadeite.
Ack, let me rephrase that.
Zoisite was having ENTIRELY too much fun sex with Jadeite.
There, that's right.
Oh, wait, no, it isn't...let me start over.
Zoisite was having ENTIRELY too much fun.
He had thought of the perfect way to capture the real Kunzite, if he were ever to happen along.
"This is a really dumb idea," growled Jadeite while Zoisite just giggled insanely.
"Oh, hush, Jeddy. I think I know Kunzaito-sama much better than you do. At least, I would hope so, else I'd have to get out the bullwhip again."
Jadeite shifted the sign hanging from his neck so it wasn't cutting into his skin as much. "Well, I still think disguising ourselves as trees wasn't the best thing we could have come up with....so, tell me again, how is this supposed to work...?"
"Quite simple, really. Kunzite likes cats, so naturally, if we pretend to be trees, in which there could be cats, he'll come running. Since the alien Kunzites won't know he likes cats, if we see them come along and not stop for the trees, we'll know those are the alien ones and we can catch them."
Jadeite squinted at something in the distance that wasn't really there, trying to see the logic in Zoisite's plan. "If you say so." He re-adjusted his sign again, wishing that they'd been able to buy a type of string other than fishing line.
They were both fully-equipped with the latest in Kunzite-catching gear...nets, KunzRadar, blowdarts, the list went on and on and included a cute little safari hat for each of them. The hats had been Zoisite's idea, of course.
Damn, Jess, this part isn't that funny.
Yes, I know...please be patient. I have to get the plot moving and then I'll start being silly again.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH---"
"You can stop screaming now, Mamo-chan. He stopped the car."
"---HHHHHHHHHHHH-- huh...? Oh...I knew that." Mamoru stopped screaming, looking a smight bit flustered. If something was going to make him scream like a girl, well, dammit, it better do something to him and not screw around with his head instead. He adjusted the front of his tacky green jacket and shot a glance to Usagi, who was apparently having a staring contest with the Kunzite, who had gotten out of the car and was now apparently having a staring contest with Usagi.
"Isn't that Nephrite's car?" Mamoru was ignored by both Usagi and the Kunzite (passive voice). Mamoru ignored the fact that neither of them seemed to have brains put in right then and there (active voice). "Yes? No? Well, maybe it's Sanjouin Masato's car." Mamoru went over to check the license plate. "What the hell is this kind of symbol thing that's on this??" he very eloquently demanded of the air around him. He shook his head, since he couldn't read whatever the hell the license plate said. As if it would have mattered anyway. What is Mamoru, everyone's license plate number on file or something??
He glanced inside the car, which, again, didn't tell him anything he didn't already know. It was a car. Ho ho. Scratching his head, Mamo-chan (aka Spongebob Squarepants) walked back over to the staring contest, which was still going on in quite an exciting manner.
"Yo." He waved his hand in between Usagi's and the Kunzite's faces. CHOMP! The Kunzite bit him! Oh, the inhumanity of it all!
"OWOWOWOWOW!" exclaimed a teary-eyed Mamoru, waving his hand wildly as if it would really help. Blood trickled off his fingers and little crimson droplets were now flying everywhere as he waved his hand around. Usagi shrieked and hid behind the Kunzite, who grinned.
"Knock it off, bright boy, you're getting blood everywhere!"
"But it huuuuurrrrts!" He stopped waving his arm around like an idiot, thus stopping the sanguine shower, and put his hand in his mouth. It fit, not surprisingly, rather well. He glanced at the Kunzite. "All right, pally boy," he said, but since his hand was entirely in his mouth, it came out more like "Alck haight rahroy." He took his hand out of his mouth and shook off the saliva.
"Knock it off, bright boy, you're getting spit everywhere!"
"You never worried about me getting my spit on you before, so nyah!" He did the pulling-down-the-eyelid thing at her. "Ahem...could you ask that guy if he's got my underwear?"
"Why me?"
"You seem to speak his language for some odd reason."
Usagi found this statement interesting, since she hadn't talked to the grinning entity this whole time, but whatever floated Mamo-chan's boat. She came around to the front of the Kunzite and smiled her most winningest smile.
"Hey, boy. Did you take Mamo-chan's underwear?"
The Kunzite shook its head very violently indeed!
"Uhhhhhkay... Do you know where we could find Mamo-chan's underwear?"
The Kunzite paused, finger to its chin, presumably to think, if it were even capable of doing so. It then nodded so hard that its white and/or silver hair flew forward and smacked Usagi in the face, sending her flying several yards backwards and into a wall! She crashed through the wall and lie there in a heap with the rubble of the broken wall. Then she hopped up, perfectly unharmed! Imagine that!
"He's offered to take us to your underwear, Mamo-chan!" said Usagi quite ecstatically even though the Kunzite had said no such thing. The Kunzite grinned even more largely, and then made the ^_^ face, nodding again but not quite so violently this time 'round.
So they all piled into Nephrite's badass car!
However, Mamoru (who had to ride in the least comfortable spot) looked out the window for a moment, worry creasing his brow. "Why do I have such a bad feeling about this..?"
Commercial break!
(Camera switches to a table with various papers cluttering it up. The papers are arranged in such a way that they probably wouldn't be taking up so much space if only they were stacked right. The camera lingers over this dramatic scene for a moment before switching to Jadeite and Nephrite, who are both wearing t-shirts that say "Dark Office" on them.)
JADEITE: Hi, kids! Would you like something that'll make you as popular with the ladies as me?
NEPHRITE: (busts up laughing)
JADEITE: (shoots Nephrite a dirty look) Well, when you've taken your medication for that problem you've apparently got, we'll continue.
NEPHRITE: (straightens up) Hee hee...sorry, Jeddy.
JADEITE: Hmph...where was I..? ..oh yes. Do YOU have problems with unorganization? I used to. I used to always have a messy workspace. It was interfering with my social life, and it made it so I couldn't get to sleep at night. But THEN I discovered the "Little Gem Pocket Organize-R." It fixed ALL my organization problems, and people would walk past me on the street and say "now THERE's an organized man!" (looks at Nephrite)
NEPHRITE: (looking up at the ceiling)
JADEITE: (elbows him)
NEPHRITE: Oof! Now THERE's an organized man...well, that sounds like a faaaabulous product. How does it work?
JADEITE: Glad you asked! (he takes out a pair of scissors that say "Dark Office Little Gem Pocket Organize-R" in reeeeeaaaally small text on the handle) See these important documents? (takes a piece of paper marked "BILL" on it and cuts it into very small pieces. He does this with each successive paper until all of them have been snipped to pieces and are lying in a very large pile of very small paper pieces) Voile!
NEPHRITE: But you just made more of a mess...plus all those important documents are destroyed!
JADEITE: Er.. (sweatdrop) WELL, back to the show!
Meanwhile, Kunzite, the REAL Kunzite, was still trying to find his way out of that alien space ship! After several hours of running into the wall, he was beginning to make a rather large, Kunzite-shaped dent in the saucer wall. This didn't seem to bother Kunzite much, except that he was becoming frustrated with the wall disallowing him to free himself. Muttering something unfit for the ears of children and small dogs, he stopped running into the wall. Intending to ram it much harder this time, he took several steps back, inadvertantly (whatever the hell that means) knocking into a shelf that contained glasses of flat soda, presumably samples that the aliens took from earth pop culture (har har), or perhaps even stuff somebody forgot to drink. Several glasses fell upon Kunzite, splattering a cola-like substance all over Kunzite's jacket.
"Icky." Kunzite then took off his jacket, placing it somewhere he would probably forget to get it later, since it was dark and all. Suddenly and without warning, a synapse somewhere in what passed for Kunzite's brain sparked and he took his keys out of his pants pocket, using the tiny little flashlight attached to the keyring to look for the lightswitch, which he found and promptly turned on.
"Ah. The door," said Kunzite brilliantly upon locating the door. He opened it and left without so much as a "thanks for inviting me." No, Kunzite was not one for manners; in fact, it was even rumored that he ate crackers in bed (although Zoisite later claimed this was a lie...Kunzite ate POPTARTS in bed, and he should know, ya so and sos).
Stepping out into the noonday sun, Kunzite was a sight to see. Well, not really, but it sounded cool. Actually, yes, he WAS a sight to see for anyone with eyes. Scratching his white and/or silver-haired head, Kunzite wondered where he could find some cats...
(Not a very good place to stop, was it? Sorry about that...I'll do better next time. At least I've given you four shirtless Kings and hopefully a cheap laugh or two...hmph, you ought to be grateful...)