SAINT ERYTHROS' HISTORY OF THE DARK KINGDOM
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PART FIVE: HAVE POLEARM, WILL TRAVEL
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I think the saddest thing about Jadeite is that he was never really quite... there.

You know what I mean, don't ya? Course you do, darlin'. Those blue eyes of his, no matter how pretty they are, are always just a bit blank and dull. And then there's his habit of blinking very slowly, as if he's taking the time between blinks in order to figure out just what he's going to say next.

It's even worse when you get him up next to a spitfire like Zoisite Enoara, or an oriflamme like Kunzaito-sama. Even a fairly ordinary person, like Mamoru Endymion's squire Motoki, would seem lackluster next to them; a zero like Jadeite looks even worse than nothing when compared to the shining Kunzite and the glimmering Zoisite.

The worst thing of all, of course, is that underneath that deadbeat exterior beats a dead heart.

Jadeite is, at one and the same time, the most docile of the Kings, and the most utterly barbaric.

Jadeite...

is a sadist.

... Okay, you say. So what? you say. Zoisite's a sadist, too, and no one's ever thought the less of him for it, you say.

Ha ha ha. Sure no one has; it's just that no one's ever said anything in his presence about it, which just goes to show how much smarter everyone is in those precious Golden Years before David Lee Roth left Van Halen or that poisonous bitch Servilia Caepionis began spinnin' her webs in Rome.

Same goes for Jadeite, you see; he's a pretty good administrator, and so long as he pays his tribute to the Emerald Throne every year, the Celestial Emperor don't really care what he gets up to in his spare time. This is, I suppose, sort of an enlightened attitude for an emperor to take, but all the same it gets kind of wearing on the subjects under the sadist in question.

So, okay, we've got all that? There's this dude called Jadeite, he was born, he went through his schooling whippety-quick, he fucked a few people, he fucked over a few people, he became the Fifth Prince of Earth, he tortured some folks, and paid his taxes.

Got it?

That's the life of Jadeite Saavedra, castellan of Coronado and the Prince of North America, the Marshal of the Middlelands.

Dude, you kind of wonder why the hell the Dark Kingdom even wanted him; I mean, Beryl goes around recruiting the great Kunzite, the astromancer Nephrite, the brilliant innovator Zoisite...

And then there's Jadeite. Sorta like ordering filet mignon, lobster, poutine, and then a side-order of snot pudding.

Anyway, the Dark Kingdom, for gods alone know what reason, wanted him. It might've been his undeniable psychokinetic powers -- I think you remember, honey, when he demonstrated his power and managed to lift Cassiterite-sama's biggest pyramid clear up half a mile into the air -- and it might have been the sheer creativity of his tortures -- I always say there's nothing quite like a thumbtack, bowl of honey, and a few starving rats to keep the troops in line -- or then again it might simply have been that Beryl was collecting Lord Generals of Earth and didn't stop to think that quantity don't count as much as quality.

What the Dark Kingdom wants, the Dark Kingdom takes, and so they took Jadeite.

Dunno how. Probably a coupla youma got sent up to the great citadel of Coronado and knocked on the door, grabbed Jadeite, and then vanished lickety-split. It wouldn't surprise me; Jadeite's honestly dumber than a Buick.

Feh.

So, okay, we've got all that? There's this dude called Jadeite, he was born, he went through his schooling whippety-quick, he fucked a few people, he fucked over a few people, he became the Fifth Prince of Earth, he tortured some folks, paid his taxes, and then he joined the Dark Kingdom.

That was easy, wasn't it?

Come again next time; I'll tell you a bit about Mamoru Endymion, the Imperial Prince of Earth himself.