Disclaimer:  Jadeite doesn't belong to me, although a girl can wish...  Ahem.  No, Jeddy isn't mine, nor are any other of the SM characters; they belong to their creator, a saintly Japanese lady who is a genius and a brilliant artist, and whose name I could not spell to save my life.

This is dedicated to Claire, cuz she's a kiwi muffin.

*    *    *    *

How long have I been sealed here?  Too long.  Too long.

How many seconds, how many minutes, hours, days, months, years, eons, since Beryl sealed me away from the world?  Oh, of all the things that I miss in this hell, I think I must miss time the most.  All the time I was awake and free, how I cursed the passage of time, the relentless dance of hours, the march of minutes, gone ireevocably - now I would welcome anything, the ticking of a clock, the steady thud of sand dripping from an hourglass, even the soft understated swish of a pendulum.  Please, Gods, any who listen, give me some way to know how much time has passed.

Think.  Think of something else.  Oh, Gods, I've been here too long.  Eternity.  Well, the sentence had been eternal sleep.  Funny how long eternity really is...

Please, Gods, let me out.  I'm going mad in here.

Why hadn't I believed her, that she would make good on her threats this time?  I'd always known that Beryl was a vindictive temperamental megalomaniac.  Yet she had never lashed out against one of the Four before.  Why had she had to choose me of whom to make an example?

Oh, Gods, Gods, I can't bear this.

Hearing, seeing all that goes on before my solitary vigil - it amuses Beryl to put me in her great hall, her throne room, where all can see me and cower.  None of them know, none of them even suspect that I can still see, still hear, still sense.  Even magic is still there in my grasp, the power-threads still tantalizingly close to me.  All I have to do is reach out and touch the threads, pull on them just long enough to infuse myself with power.  All I have to do is reach out...

I can't do it.  I can't stretch my mind far enough out of the reach of the crystal's field.  I would sob.  If I could move, I really would; I would sob in pure frustration.   Gods - Amaterasu, Imperial Goddess, Lady of Light, hear my prayer!  Metallia, Demon Goddess, Lady of Darkness, hear my prayer!  Great Jupiter, bloody Mars, lovely Venus, fleet Mercury - someone, anyone, hear me and set me free....   Just let me stretch myself out enough to grasp the power, it's so close...

I can't reach it.  I can't help but give up.  I'll never get out by my own devices.  Oh, Gods, if you can hear me, let me out!  Let me OUT!

No answer.  Why have They left me?

*    *    *    *

I can see as Nephrite receives his orders, can hear as Beryl threatens him with dire punishment if he fails her.  To prove her point, she gestures to my prison.  "And if you fail....  You may end up as Jadeite did."  That cruel, curiously compelling laughter.  "I may start a collection.  Lords of Crystal."

Lords of Crystal.  Hilarious.  I might laugh if I were able to move my jaws.

But as bad as it is when Beryl holds court, and I can see and hear what I'm missing, it's far worse when Beryl leaves and the lights are extinguished.  I can see shadows and hear rustles and - oh, Gods - worst of all, sense Metallia's vile corruption in a way that I can never feel when there are living auras around me to damp it.

Being alone in the dark, all alone, when the dark is so huge and so pressuringly massive - I would scream.  I would scream.  But I can't scream if I can't breathe, can't move, can I?

Oh, Gods, it's beginning.  I'm going mad.  Gods, help me.  Radiant Amaterasu, dark Metallia - I offer either of you my soul if only you'll help me.  I am Jadeite, once follower of Endymion, the Son of Amaterasu, Son of the Sun, Prince of Earth; I am Jadeite, once follower of Beryl, the Daughter of Metallia, Daughter of Darkness, Queen of Hell.  Please, either of my patron deities, either of my patrons' deities, help me.

What have I done, to earn Hell in the depths of Hell?

Help me.  Someone.  Anyone.  Let me out.

*    *    *    *

The shadows are moving again; one is taller than the rest, touched with scintillating silver at crown and at eye.  Moving in a deadly rushing glide, graceful as a panther, amoral as a cat.

Kunzite.  I hate him.  I hate him.  Why is he free, and I languishing in my terrible confinement?  Why does he enjoy the company of his fellow beings - of one fellow being in particular - and I must be alone, always and forever alone?

He stops in front of my crystal, stands and regards me for a while.  He doesn't speak.  I hope that the hatred in my eyes will knock him over.  Too much to hope for that my crystal will fall forward and crush him.

Finally he speaks.  "Well, well, well, little Jadeite," he says, voice dry and cool.  "No longer a rival.  For anything."

He savors it, the bastard.  Kunzite has always been well-aware of my feelings, both towards him and towards...  the other.  He at least reciprocates, even if the other does not.  Kunzite hates me with a pure, focussed hatred that makes the emotions between Nephrite and Zoisite seem like merry fraternity.

A cool smile touches his lips.  "Do you want me to free you, little Jadeite?" he says.  He idly traces a white-gloved finger over the crystal covering my face.  I would blink.  If I could move, I would blink.  No blinking for Jadeite, not ever again.  Strange, how I can miss such a small thing as blinking...

"Shall I free you?" Kunzite toys with me.  He knows that now there will be no interruptions, no one to stop him from tormenting me.  Not like the other times, when Nephrite will wearily raise a hand and tell him to knock it off, when Zoisite, emerald eyes gleaming, will wrap himself around Kunzite and prove too much of a distraction for Kunzite to pay any more attention to me.  I had never told Zoisite that those interruptions were even more painful for me than Kunzite's cruel games.

"If I free you, little Jadeite - and don't doubt that I can - you could go to Earth.  Look up those short-skirted little girls of yours.  Oh, I forgot.  They aren't exactly your cup of tea, now are they."  Kunzite smiles again, as if at some private joke.  I would spit in his face.  If I could move, I would spit in his face.  If, if, if - if I were free of this crystal, I would flee so far from the Dark Kingdom that even Beryl's cold screams of laughter will never reach me.

Gods, I can't stand this.

"No, I won't free you, Jadeite," Kunzite says.  Those eyes - so cold, so merciless.  So territorial in his affections, Kunzite.  He has staked out his property, and he will never forgive me that twice I encroached on what was his.

"No, I won't free you, little Jadeite," Kunzite says casually.  "But never doubt that I can.  That if I wished, I could end your torment."  He smiles again, and with a swirl of his snowy cape is gone.

Why is he free?  If anyone has ever deserved this torment, it's him.  Not me.  Not me.  I don't deserve this.  Long slow eons of being alone, followed by even longer, agonizing eternities of watching and hearing and sensing, but never being able to take part.  Oh, Gods, any Gods, all Gods, help me!

And Kunzite walks free.  Kunzite still enjoys the pleasures of the flesh.  He still manipulates.  Even while I'm beyond physical pains, he still knows how to hurt me.  Offering me hope, then snatching it away, dangling it in front of my nose.  He'll never free me.  Never.  He knows that leaving me in this crystal to lose my mind is the worst thing he could ever do to me.

Bastard.  Cold bloody bastard.  He could let me out if he wanted to.  If he wanted to.  If.  If.  If.  Oh, Gods, if only I were free!

*    *    *    *

Boredom is a force that can move mountains.  Forget faith, hope, and charity; the greatest of these is boredom.  I don't doubt that it was really boredom that led Metallia to corrupt Beryl and attack Serenity's peaceful Silver Millennium.  Boredom that caused Zoisite to begin taunting Nephrite.  Boredom that caused me to enrage Kunzite both times.

Oh, but that was different!  I didn't mean to offend Kunzite; that was merely a side-effect.  I didn't want to hurt him.  I didn't want to cause any problems.  Love is, they say, blind.  It's not.  Love is completely oblivious.

As oblivious as I should be, to all outside attractions.  Why aren't I encased in sleep?  Beryl promised me sleep, why aren't I sleeping, why am I still awake, I can't stay awake and watching, waiting, wanting forever, I shall go mad, I will go mad, I Will Go Mad, I WILL GO MAD, IWILLGOMADIWILLGOMAD....

Calm, Jadeite.  Calm.  Calm.  I'm not mad yet.  I'm not insane, bonkers, nuts, gaga, loopy, nutty, fruity, batty, crazy, crazy, mad, mad, mad, mad - and loony, how could I forget loony?  Or psycho?  Yes, that's it, I'm going psycho, psycho, psychotic, girls in showers watch out for Jadeite with the knife...

Oh, Gods, help me.  Let me out.  How long has it been?  Too long.

Amaterasu, I'm sorry, forgive me that I betrayed Your Son Endymion, Bright Lady, forgive me.  Metallia, I'm sorry, forgive me that I failed Your Daughter Beryl, Dark Queen, forgive me.  But either of You, Goddesses, Bright and Dark, let me out.  Let me out.  Help me.  For Your sakes, don't abandon me.  Don't leave me here, don't leave me without touch or smell or freedom.  Let me out!

I've got to find a focus.  Something that I can fixate upon.  I need something that will keep me sane.

Something that calls up intense emotion, something that I can obsess over.  If I'm going to go insane,

(Oh, Gods, please don't let me go mad)

then I intend to be a monomaniac, not any of the less pleasant maniacs.

The Senshi.  I can obsess over them.  Mercury, Moon, Mars.  All Ms.  All lovely, all comparatively weak, all instrumental to my downfall.  I can hate them easily.  Infants.  Hatred.  An emotion that comes easily to one who was Metallia's avatar.

I would snarl in rage.  If I could move, I would snarl in rage.  Infants in short skirts and improbable footwear, daring to challenge ME?  How pathetic.

Not pathetic.  They are the Senshi, and they were the great golden pride of the Silver Millennium.  Pride of Earth.  Beloved of Earth.  I loved Mars, fiery Rei, for a while.  But then boredom kicked in.  Boredom with the constant fights, the hot rages that would permeate her sometimes.

There had been an alternative.  Lovely, always laughing, sweet-natured, unpredictable in her sweet innocence.  No chance of ever being bored there.

How was I supposed to know that she was Kunzite's?  Even back then he had been icy.  Even back then he had been cold and aloof.  He had never shown any hint of interest in Princess Venus.  How had I been supposed to know that she was his?

He had very quickly shown me my error; that what was Kunzite's stayed his, forever.

Forever.  That's how long I'll be shut away.  That's how long I've been shut away already.  Oh, Gods, help me.  Let me out.  Don't let me go insane.

*    *    *    *

He stands in front of the throne, or rather floats in front of it.

That must mean that Nephrite is dead.  Why Nephrite?  He wasn't a bad sort.  Not at all.  Inclined to aloofness, inclined to solitude, which always suited me fine.  But he and I were always fairly friendly, at least by the backstabbing standards of the Dark Kingdom.  Why Nephrite?  It's not fair.

Nothing is fair.  Why can't it ever be unfair in my favor?  Why can't I be set free?  Why?  Why?

Oh, Gods, how I want to be free.  It's been so long since I smelled fresh air, since I could feel the cool breeze, since I tasted the velvety smoothness of freedom.

Let me out!  Anyone, someone, anyone who can hear me, LET ME OUT!

Zoisite has a new job: search for the seven rainbow crystals.  Poor Zoi-chan.  A job far too unsuited for his short attention span.  How lovely he looks, though.

Oh, Gods, Kunzite again.  Make him go away.  Amaterasu, are You listening, Bright Lady?  Help me, if You ever loved me at all, make him go away.

Barring that, let me out.

Let me out.

*    *    *    *

The Senshi.

My second-to-last scheme, that fiasco with the cruise ship - that was all Tidas' fault.  Miserable silly youma bitch.  As if I would have ever been interested in her.

Still, it could have worked.  Would have worked.  But the Senshi showed up.  In open ocean!  Not a single ship around for miles!  The Senshi had STILL shown up!

But there is something else about that cruise ship.  There had been one girl on it, one girl who had looked up at me with eyes of impossible blue.  Eyes that reminded me of Her.  Of Venus.  And a slight slim-hipped, almost boyish build that reminded me of Him.  That girl had hung on my arm, had gazed at me with the complete trust that was common to my first love, and was all too unfamiliar to my second.

Both my loves, both Kunzite's loves; both of them had chosen Kunzite over me.  Beautiful laughing Venus, lovely plotting Zoisite; neither of them had loved me.

Poor Jadeite, all by himself.  Poor Jadeite, left alone now in the ultimate punishment.  Poor Jadeite, locked in solitary confinement forever.

Gods, I want to be free.  I might even welcome the company of Kunzite, so long as it was a fellow living breathing being.

Alone.  In the dark.  I'm alone in the dark.  No one is here.  No light.  Alone in the dark.  Oh, please, let me out.  Anyone.  Jupiter, Mars, Venus, Mercury.  Hear my prayer.  Let me go.  Let me out.  Amaterasu, Bright Lady, Metallia, Dark Queen, let me out.  Imperial Goddess, Demon Goddess, let me out.

Someone.  Anyone.

Please.

Let me out.  Let me out.

Someone.  Even Kunzite.

Let me out.

Please.
 
 
 

Well.  Let that all be a lesson to you: don't you dare ever lock your younger sister in the closet ever again.  Amberlin, over & out.