Hey there everyone.  Just a standard disclaimer, first of all:  I didn't create any of the characters belonging to Naoko Takeuchi; they're hers, she created them, and I hope that she is one day canonized as the genius she is.  She's a great lady, honestly, and she's my hero, but SM belongs to her not me, so don't sue me.  Besides, if you did I'd send Aneiron Jander after you, and he'd bring me back your still-dripping head.  I don't know what I'd do with it, but there it would be.

Roll 'em, Clancy.

*    *    *    *

BAILIFF:  (drones)  All rise for her honor, the right honorable and extremely nuts saint erythros!

The Judge (that would be me, Saint Erythros, for those of you who live in Rio Linda, California) enters the courtroom, wearing the black justice's robes and a purple cape, and sporting an irritated expression.  I was pretty darn cheesed off that I had to pass up a Monday afternoon of snuggling with Dimando for this tripe.  Seriously, in a minute you're going to see why, O Lucky Reader.  Lucky.  Ha.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  (seat myself behind the pulpit, bang the gavel once or twice just for the heck of it)  OK.  All of you siddown and shuddup.  I want this over and done with, pronto; I'm missin' "Sailor Moon" here.  (address myself to the court clerk)  Hey, Elanor, what're the charges?  What's the case?  What's going on here, hey?

HERALD ELANOR:  (reads off a short list)  Assorted "Sailor Moon" cast members are suing DiC for various crimes, slanders, libels, and providing people with crappy dub voices.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  (relaxes)  Well, that seems pretty straight-forward.  Oughta be pretty open-and-shut, right?

ELANOR:  Sure, sure.

BAILIFF, annoyed because he's a vain little brat and no one seems to paying attention to him:  the plaintiffs are a mister zoisite, along with chiba mamoru, osaka naru, nephrite, kunzite, demon queen metallia,  and the senshi of uranus and neptune and venus.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Speck, you dork, you were supposed to have them in here already.

BAILIFF:  sue me.  besides, zoisite wanted it this way.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  (muttering)  Oh, GOD FORBID that the little sakura doesn't get his own way...  (out loud)  Fine, fine, bring 'em in.  Shee, the things I put up with around here....

The doors to the courtroom blast open, and a troop of motley anime characters troops inside.  Zoisite is hanging on Kunzite's arm, Mamoru is very carefully not looking at Naru, Nephrite and Metallia are both trying to whistle "The Battle Hymn of the Republic," Venus is bouncing around like she's had too much orange juice, and Uranus and Neptune are holding their cute little talismans and trying to ignore the fact that Gloria Steinem is hounding them for autographs from the spectators' seats.

BAILIFF:  here are the plaintiffs.  i guess now you want me to bring in the defense, am i right?

ELANOR:  You dork, you forgot the prosecuter.

BAILIFF:  did not.

ELANOR:  Did too.

BAILIFF:  did not.

ELANOR:  Did too!

Since it's apparent that they could keep it up forever, I lean down and say politely to knock it off before I had to Regulate®.  Both bailiff and court clerk immediately turn on me  for being a jerk and a doink and then yell why wasn't I expending the LEAST amount of effort to write a decent fic?

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Jeez-oh-pete, people, I'm working on it.  It's not my fault if the characters aren't on time, OK?  I'm bored with all of this 'bringing people in' crap, so I'm gonna pull one of my special Authorial Powers™ and just have everyone retroactively here, dig?

BAILIFF:  (snickers)  "dig?"  yeah, just which part of nebraska are you from, babe?

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Shut up.

At the defense table have appeared several DiC executives, each one sporting a buzz cut (yes, even the women), and most wearing suits, ties, and sensible shoes.  The one exception is a punk in jeans and a tee-shirt with a picture of Chairman Mao wearing Mickey Mouse ears.  You know those shirts, don't you, the ones that say "Mickey Mao's"?  You don't?  Huh.  Well, I've got no prejudices; even people from Arizona can read my fics.

Anyway, the defense, those scum from DiC, are now at their defense table.  Their attornies are the Moonlight Knight and Umino.  Hee hee, that's their punishment for being absolute doinks about everyone's favorite anime show, am I right?

SAINT ERYTHROS:  OK, people, listen up.  I know there's been some rumors going around that the Great Ace Otaku is going to be the prosecutor.

I am rudely interrupted here, since everyone starts cheering.  Did they cheer when *I* appeared?  No, they did not.  Bloody ingrates.  Just goes to show just who your REAL friends are, that's what I say.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Jerks.  Well, I've got news for you, you ungrateful pusballs.  (strategic pause cuz I had just noticed some unfriendly looks.)  Gee, Ace is more popular than I thought.  Well, guys, sorry but Ace couldn't make it.  Hey!  No rioting!  Just settle down, you bunch of degenerates.  OK, Ace isn't going to prosecute.  She's doing some research on another one of her nifty fanfics, so I didn't think it would be cool to bug her.  Seriously, folks, do you want Ace in a piece of tripe like this, or do you want her free of all obligations so she can work on her stuff?  Right.  So the prosecution team is going to be -

At this juncture there is a brief period of pandemonium in the courtroom, the reason being, Celeste Goodchild and her little paramour Saffir of the Black Moon Family have just run in and started raising hell with the bailiff over some weird thing or another.

The crowd I hang out with...

SAINT ERYTHROS:  So, sister-in-law, what's up?  Mind telling me why you're holding up this trial?

CELESTE:  (beaming and squishing Saffir)  I wanna prosecute.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  You can't, muffin.  I already promised it to someone else.

CELESTE:  Grrrr...  Doesn't family loyalty count for ANYTHING around here?  I wanna prosecute.  Saffir will help me.  Won't you, Saffy-kun?

SAFFIR:  Sure.  Why not.

I don't think you really need to know what happened next, since it hurt like heck and I don't want my brother-in-law Saffir to get ticked off at me for saying rude things about him or his delightful little kiwi bride.  Hmmph.  I will just say, with exquisite delicacy, that I'm darn lucky that Mizuno Ami is both present and knowledgeable about how to treat a severely bruised patella.

AMI:  There, that's all right, Your Honor.  Can we get on with the trial now?

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Hmm?  Yes.  I mean no!  We don't have a prosecutor, for Madros' sake!

CELESTE:  Yes we do, ME.  And Saffir.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Sweetheart, muffin, angel - NO.  The prosecutors are TigerEye, HawkEye, and Jadeite.

PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE:  What the heck?!  What kind of sick joke IS this, anyway?

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Look, this is my fic, and I can have the lawyers be whomever I darn well please.  If you don't like it, I hear there's an opening over where becki-oneechan is making the next section of "Best Served Hot".....

PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE:  Ewwwww.

TIGEREYE:  (who, along with HawkEye and Jadeite, has just appeared in front of the prosecution bench)  Hmm.  I don't suppose that you'd let me go over there, just to check it out?

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Don't be a nerd, kid, you're TigerEye, not FishEye.

ZOISITE:  Are we going to have a trial here or not?!

Since Zoi-chan is gripping one of those wicked-cool ice crystals of his, I wisely decide to speed things up.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  OK.  I'm gonna let Jeddy make his opening statement.  Does anyone have a problem with that?  Hmm?  Celeste, I SAID you can't be a prosecutor.  Stop sulking, darnit.

CELESTE:  I'm telling Dimando about this, you realize.  See if you ever get to snuggle in that purple cape again.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Don't MAKE me come over there.

JADEITE:  Hey.  Cyberpastry.  Yer Honor.  Willya let me do my darn speech now?

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Sure.  Go for it.  Seeing as how you're the REAL PROSECUTOR...

Celeste sticks out her tongue at me, and snuggles relentlessly at Saffir.  Ayakashi Petz, in the front row of the spectator's seats, is glowering at both of 'em with a really evil glare.

JADEITE:  Humans, youma, and weasels of the jury, it's my intention and that of my weirdly-dressed colleagues  (Hawkeye and Tigereye wave idiotically)  to prove that DiC executives in charge of doing "Sailor Moon" are a bunch of microcephalic anglo-centric politically incorrect noddle-noggined wormbutts.

He sits down and absolutely radiates self-satisfaction.  Tigereye and Hawkeye just shrug and say "Whatever," while Zoisite is slowly turning purple.  I have the serious feeling that Zoi is gonna start some nastiness in the next few seconds so I have Kunzite and Elanor together take away the little sakura's ice crystals.

The Moonlight Knight stands up and addresses the jury in his turn.

MOONLIGHT KNIGHT (MK):  Like a hot wind across the desert, like the shadow across the oasis, I am the MOONLIGHT KNIGHT, the courageous soul of Endymion who -

SOYLENT GREEN:  Look, kid, get to the point.  I've got homework.  (mutters)  I thought I was here to see DiC patoot kicked, not listen to a pansy in a sheet.

MK:  Um, yes.  Well, the people at DiC are fine,noble, upstanding, wonderful, politically correct, homophilic, absolutely terrific people, the sort whom the courageous soul of Endymion takes joy in! (twirls his stupid sheik-robes and ssitsdown looking pleased with himself.)

At least, I think he looks pleased with himself, but that could be just me; after all, it's hard to make out facial expressions behind that freaky-weird veil of his.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  OK.  After that INCREDIBLY moving speech of Jeddy's and the lame little phillipic by the Moonlight Knight, I think we might just get this shindig over and done with before too much hell is raised.

URANUS:  Don't bet on it, babe.

NEPTUNE:  Yes.  We want DiC to SUFFER.

At this calm pronouncement I notice that the DiC people are turning gray in the face.  Well, serves 'em right.  Ticking off Sailorneptune is honestly not the smartest thing to do.

JADEITE:  Your Honor, I would like to call my first witness to the stand.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Shoot, dude.

BAILIFF:  jeez, you're dumb.  your honor.  "dude"?

SAINT ERYTHROS:  If you don't like it, boyo, I can always send you over to becki-oneechan, OK?

The bailiff doesn't do anything besides sulk.  Well, at least nothing you'd want to read about; the fight between him and Zoisite only lasts a few seconds, anyway.

JADEITE:  I would like to call Ten'ou Haruka to the stand.  TEN'OU HARUKA!!!

The gallant and lovely Sailoruranus sashays up to the stand.  For DiC benefit she has drawn her Space Sword and is waving it about ever so slightly.  I think I distinctly see a female DiC executive wince.  Ha.

JADEITE:  So, Uranus-san, you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, or else you'll get condemned to a crappy NA gender-change and a worse name?

URANUS:  Sure.  I don't wanna get stuck with a name like CORINN, for kamis' sakes.

JADEITE:  Well, whatever.  Anyway.  Uranus-san, you are a woman.

URANUS:  Well, DUH.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Haruka, babe, sweetheart, muffin, how 'bout just a 'yes' or a 'no', hmmm?

URANUS:  What?  Oh, sure.  Yeah, Jadeite-sama, I'm a woman.  As I'm sure Michi-ko can testify...  (leers and winks)

JADEITE:  Whoa.  That was an excursion into hentai-ville, thanks.

TIGEREYE:  Yeah...  Let's have a lot more from this witness.

He and Hawkeye are eying (hey, a pun!) Sailors Uranus and Neptune with a truly sickening attention to detail.  You'd think that Haruka at least would smack 'em with a good solid "World Shaking," but no soap.  She winks and preens every bit as much as Michiru does.  The DiC people look sick - which, on reflection, is probably why they were doing it.

JADEITE (to HawkEye and TigerEye):  Knock it off, fellas.  (To Sailoruranus) Uranus-san, you and Kaiou-san are lovers, right?

URANUS:  You damn betcha.

JADEITE:  You're sure.

URANUS:  Of course I'm sure, ding-dong.  At least, if it's NOT Michiru I got lucky with last night -

TIGEREYE & HAWKEYE:  Hentai!  All right!

MK:  Objection!  Your Honor, I, like a half-digested salami sandwich during a hard run, must protest at this vulgarity!

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Uh, Moonlight Knight, you wanna run that by me again?  In English?

MK:  Your Honor, the witness is being VULGAR.

UMINO:  Yeah, what if kids are reading this?

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Fellas, if ANYONE is reading this far, they can read whatever sort of vulgarity they darn please.  Overruled.  Haruka, my sweet, take it from the top, OK?  What exactly happened last night, anyway?

URANUS:  Well, Michi-ko was wearing this wild little French Maid number, and she met me at the door with -

JADEITE:  Whoa, hold it!  Uh, Uranus-san, no further questions.

I'm a bit disappointed - it isn't often that I get to see Sailorneptune blush, after all - but when Jeddy starts making that cute li'l "grrr" noise of his, I know it's time to give in.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  OK.  Hey, defense, it's your witness.  Wanna try and make Haruka-san take back her testimony?

Umino Gurio stands up and gimps over to the witness stand.  I think that Sailoruranus doesn't know whether to be disgusted or amused.

UMINO:  Ten'ou-san --

URANUS:  You can call me Senshi Uranus, little boy.

UMINO:  Sure.  Senshi Uranus, I put it to the court that you're a hermaphrodite.

URANUS:  Do I really have to put up with this?  Can't I do just ONE World Shaking on the li'l jerk?

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Babe, sweetheart, honey, do what you want.  I'm not that fond of the little geek myself.

URANUS:  Wicked cool.  Hey, Umino, cross-examine THIS!

She leaps over the railing and smacks Umino upside the head with her Space Sword.  The DiC people begin turning white.  I think they're beginning to regret answering their subpoenas.  Or wishing they'd had the good sense to dub something lame like "Voltron" instead.

UMINO:  N-n-n-no further q-q-q-questions, Your Honor....

He passes out.  The Moonlight Knight catches him and puts him on a chair to recover.  I bang the gavel a few more times, and tell Sailoruranus that she could step down.  Haruka, lovely wee lassy that she is, struts back to the prosecution table, then pauses by the DiC table.  I watch out of the corner of my eye as Haruka flashes the DiC people with undeniable proof that either she is a woman, or she has recently visited an exquisitely talented cosmetic surgeon.

A female DiC executive faints.  It looks like defense is in bad shape.  Perfect.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  OK, Jadeite-san, time for my second-favorite Senshi.  Call 'er up, won't you?

JADEITE:  Sure thing.  There's no WAY I'm letting TigerEye do this one.  I call to the stand the star of light, the fighter of love, the ai no senshi, SAILORVENUS!

Sailorvenus bounces her way up, beams happily at everyone, and blows kisses to every male, even Dimando, which really cheeses me off, but it's Minako, so what are you going to do?

SAILORVENUS:  Hey, it's Jadeite!  Hiiiiiii!  I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, and then I won't have to be stuck for all eternity with the DiC Luna in a candy store, right?

JADEITE:  Uh.  Right.  Yeah.  Anyway, Senshi Venus, I just want to talk with you about some things that the DiC people do to your character, all right?

SAILORVENUS:  Oh, sure.  No problem!  Hey, first off, I just wanted to say that "Mina" isn't all that bad a name for me, so I think that DiC did all right there.  (blows kisses to the DiC executives, who look bewildered and slightly suspicious)  And then I think that I got majorly ripped off in that I don't get to look after all the kawaii guys, and Mako-chan gets them, and hey, she's not nearly as boycrazy as I am, and the DiC people don't even mention me wanting to be a major idol singer and actress, and I think my uniform is too cluttered up with all of that orange and pink and red and blue and white, but that's not really their fault, now is it, and I'm actually a very fun and bouncy person, kinda like Usagi-chan -- (waves maniacally to the Odango'd One, who waves back)  -- but not quite as bubbly, and DiC really cut that out, making me into a personality-less character, kinda like the extra Scout -- and that's another thing, what's this "Scout" business when everyone knows we're the Senshi, the pretty sailor-fuku clad soldiers of love and justice?

She pauses to take a breath; Jadeite jumps in hurriedly.  He, like everyone else in the courtroom, has been struck dumb by Sailorvenus' sheer.... bubbliness during her account of what goes on.

JADEITE:  That's ... great, Venus-san.  Um.  Does the Moonlight Knight want to cross-examine?

MK:  Nuh-uh.  She might explode.

Sailorvenus spies him and joyfully throws herself in his arms.

SAILORVENUS:  Hiiiiii, Tsukikkage no Knight!

The ensuing travail is better left undescribed.  Besides, I'm sure all of you know what Sailorvenus can be like.  Quite a handful, ne?

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Hey, Prosecutor.  Jeddy, m'boy.  Next witness, dude.  - Bailiff, don't even say it, OK?

BAILIFF:  i wasn't gonna say nothin'.  except that you're a complete nimrod, but everybody knows that anyway.

CELESTE:  Sweetie, do I really have to send you to becki-oneechan, under Celestine's guard?

The bailiff is saved from answering this by Jadeite calling his next witness.

JADEITE:  I call Nephrite, Lord of the Stars and one of the Four Shitennou of the Dark Kingdom, to the stand!

Nephrite stumps up there.  I think that he makes a quite good attempt at pretending that he isn't drunk as a skunk.

JADEITE:  Say there, Neffy, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, or get stuck on a desert island with Zoisite for the rest of your life?

NEPHRITE:  (shuddering violently)  Oh, God, yes.  Anything but the sakura.

ZOISITE:  I'll remember that, you jerk.

JADEITE:  Just keep quiet, Zoi, or I'll tell Kunzite where you REALLY were last Saturday night.  No further smartaleck remarks?  I thought not.  OK, Nephrite - oh, yes, your name IS Nephrite, not Neflyte, correct?

NEPHRITE:  Sure.  Whoever heard of a semi-precious stone called 'neflyte,' anyway?

JADEITE: No one, that's the point.  I'm just trying to show that not only is DiC dumb, but they didn't even make the slightest attempt to match names correctly.

MK:  Your Honor, I, like a virtuous muskrat across the swamps of corruption -

SOYLENT GREEN:  "Muskrat," eh?  I think I like this simile.

MK:  Yes, well, anyway, I must object.  Jadeite-sama is being discourteous and incorrect.  After all, when you take Nephrite-sama's original "human" name, Sanjouin Masato, and Occidentalize the name-order, it becomes Masato Sanjouin.

SOYLENT GREEN and JADEITE:  So what?

MK:  (patiently)  "Masato Sanjouin" is pretty close to "Maxfield Stanton."

The jury seems pretty impressed by this.  Heck, I am too.  It's about the only thing that DiC has ever done that impresses me in the slightest, so I guess it will be OK to allow it.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Sustained; it's a lot better than whatever lunkhead came up with "Lita" for "Makoto," anyway.  And may I say, Moonlight Knight, I've never thought you were all THAT lame.  Any guy who throws white roses has to be at least halfway cool.

MK:  Like a sweet desert sky over the golden sand dunes -

SAINT ERYTHROS:  I didn't say you could keep making stupid speeches, though.  Jadeite, go right on with your questioning.

JADEITE:  About time.  Anyway, Neff, what was your original job as assigned by Queen Beryl?

NEPHRITE:  To gather energy.  You know, the job that YOU failed to do?

Jadeite turns an interesting shade of purple and begins to choke in rage; TigerEye has to come up and make him sit down.  HawkEye comes up to finish the line of questioning.

HAWKEYE:  Yeah, so Jeddy failed.  So what else is new?  Anyway, Nephrite, your original job was to gather energy, which is the same thing in both the original and the NA dub.  So far so good.  But in the original, you also tried to horn in on Zoisite's job, correct?

Nephrite begins squirming and Zoisite begins yelling, "Oh, God, that's so RIGHT!"  I have to have the bailiff and Lord Kunzite make them both settle down.  I'm not sure HOW the bailiff gets this to happen, seeing as how Nephrite outmasses him by a good hundred pounds, but it happens so there's no use dwelling on it.

NEPHRITE:  (reluctantly)  Yeah...  So what?  It's not like the little rat was going to succeed anyway.

ZOISITE:  I was too!  You just can't stand it that I'm so much more beautiful than you are!

NEPHRITE:  Oh, SURE, that was exactly what I was thinking.  Flit.

ZOISITE:  Wart.

NEPHRITE:  Fruit.

ZOISITE:  Pedophile.

NEPHRITE:  Suckup!

ZOISITE:  Oh, what was that phrase again?  Oh, yes, it was statutory rape!!!!

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Oh, jeez, here come the flames.

CELESTE:  (smugly)  See what happens when you don't let me prosecute?

HAWKEYE:  Look, Nephrite, as cool as this fight may be, I really wanna get to the bottom of this.  In the original, you DID try to take away Zoisite's job of finding the ginzuishou.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  That's the Imperium Silver Crystal, for those of you in Rio Linda, California.

HAWKEYE:  But in the NA dub, those clever-weasel little jerks over at DiC -

UMINO:  Objection!  Objection!  My clients don't like being called clever-weasel little jerks!

SOYLENT GREEN:  Well, I don't think that Zoisite enjoyed being a girl, either.

Loud burst of applause for this timely and insightful remark; Soylent Green, the foreman of the jury, blushes quite cutely and says, "Aw, shucks."  And right about now would be a great time to mention Soylent's awesome fanfics, "Hello Neighbour" and "The Blue Planet."  As soon as the verdict comes in here, you really ought to go check out Soylent's stuff.  I mean it.  It's head and shoulders above this tripe, honestly.

PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE (except Soylent Green):  So get back to this piece of tripe, already!

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Fine then.  Just thought I'd put in my two bits.

HAWKEYE:  Hey, are you going to sustain the little dweeb or not?

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Oh, that's right.  Overruled, Umino, not only because I think you spend way too much time eating paste, but also because I really hate your school uniform.

HAWKEYE:  Oh-kay.  But in the NA dub, the people over at DiC decided to cut out the business of Mr. Nephrite here digging in on Zoisite's territory, thus making out Zoisite to be just your average annoying bitch who was only bugging Nephrite because she felt like it, instead of the original version's sweet poignance of the little sakura fighting for his job and supremacy in the Dark Kingdom hierarchy.

TIGEREYE:  You go, bro.

BAILIFF:  yeah, "bro."

PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE:  Shut up.

BAILIFF:  don't make me get junior to quote philosophy at you.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  HawkEye, this is some pretty insightful stuff.  Who's been preparing your briefs?

HAWKEYE:  As for preparing my briefs, I think that job belongs to the lovely older woman Sailor Galaxia.  She keeps my shorts plenty warm, thanks.

PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE:  Hentai!  Gross!

HawkEye just snickers.  Miserable wee deviant, but it's either him or TigerEye at this point, since Jeddy's still choking on his own sense of outrage.

HAWKEYE: So that's pretty much it on Nephrite, except - Hey, Nephrite, are you at all pleased with your NA dub voice?  I mean, you sound like you're a fifty-year-old crab who yells at kids on the streets.  The NA voice is majorly harsh, bro.  It makes you sound like - oh, you drink too much and then smoke too much to boot.

ZOISITE:  (snidely)  Well, he doesn't SMOKE at all...

NEPHRITE:  Why you -

The two Dark Kings go at it hammer and tongs for a while, Nephrite calling on the power of the stars and whatever else the heck he does, while dear sweet lovely Zoi-chan heroically flings around ice-crystals like there's no next Wednesday.

PLUTO:  There isn't.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Setsuna, sweetie, thanks.  But take yer darn doomsday prophecies next door, OK?  I'm trying to run a trial here.

PLUTO:  Don't irritate me.  I'll knock your bloody trial from here to Crystal Yedo.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Whoops.  Sorry.

PLUTO:  Much better.  (vanishes)

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Is it just me or does no one in this courtroom like me?

DIMANDO:  I do, miko of mine...

SAINT ERYTHROS:  (gets starry-eyed) Dimando-sama....  Do you really?  -- Oh, yeah.  Trial.  Hey, HawkEye, you done?

HAWKEYE:  Oh, sure, the Moonlight Dork can have him now.

NEPHRITE:  Ugh.  There's no way I'm going to get cross-examined by that thing in a sheet.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  You'll just have to put up with it for a little while.  Hey, Knighty-whitey-tighties, are you going to cross-examine or not?  It's your witness, you know.

MK:  I, like the cooperative and understanding camel of the desert -

SOYLENT GREEN:  He sure looks like a camel.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Hey hey hey.  There will be precious little Mamoru-bashing here, thanks.  Especially since he's on our side here.  He's one of the plaintiffs.

Chiba Mamoru gives a noncommittal wave.  I'm pleased to see that he's ditched that hideous green jacket of his; for that little courtesy, I'll forgive him any amount of breaking Usagi's heart.

MK:  Your Honor, what I was attempting to say is that we rest on this witness.

TIGEREYE:  You rest ON him?  Hentai!

He and HawkEye slap each other high fives.

JADEITE:  Oh, jeez-oh-pete, why me?

SAINT ERYTHROS:  So are you going to call your next witness, or what?

JADEITE:  Sure.  I'll take it from here, since these two idiots can barely manage to dress themselves.  Strike that; that disgusting tutu thing as evidence, they CAN'T dress themselves.

CELESTE:  I'll prosecute with you, Jeddy-teddy!

PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE:  Jeddy-teddy?

JADEITE:  Aw nuts.

CELESTE:  Tee hee.

TIGEREYE:  I call to the stand the wonderful and damn sexy Osaka Naru!

HAWKEYE:  Idiot, it's me who likes younger women.

TIGEREYE:  I believe you mean it's ME who likes younger women.

HAWKEYE:  Kid, when we're talking about the delectable Osaka Naru, I DEFINITELY like younger women.

They slap each other high fives again.  Jadeite sinks down at the table and buries his head in his hands murmuring "Why me?"  loudly.

TIGEREYE:   Well, anyway, Naru-baby, get that sweet little posterior up here, OK?

NEPHRITE:  Watch it, you slimy transvestite punk.

NARU:  It's all right, Nephrite-sama, I won't let it get to me.

Wolf-whistles and spontaneous applause echo throughout the room as Usagi's red-haired best friend takes her seat in the witness box.  Most of the wolf-whistles, it should be noted, come from Aaron and Raging Hentai, two members of the jury (one's a fic writer, and the other one's a resident of the SME continuum.  E-mail me and I'll tell you ALL about it).

TIGEREYE:  First off, Osaka-san, I just wanna tell you how sweet, lovely, and innocent you are.

NARU:  Uh-huh.  Can we get to the point please?  I've waited a LONG time to see these DiC weasels take it in the shorts.

More wolf-whistles.

TIGEREYE:  What a woman.  Anyway, kiddo, it gives me great pain to bring up the subject of your NA dub voice, but it's got to be said.

NARU:  And loudly.  If I may:  Who the HELL ever heard of a coarse, vulgar, annoying, high-pitched BROOKLYN accent in the middle of Juuban, Tokyo?

MK:  Like the many many evil-minded tribes of Tuareg who cover the desert, I really MUST protest the vulgar language by a woman, who ought to be retiring and soft-spoken, like a desert blossom.

SOYLENT GREEN:  That's it.  Listen, you panty-waisted jackass, any more stupid speeches out of you and I'm going to deliver you to Xer'Dun al'Linas and Zoisite for their playtime, capisch?

BAILIFF:  that's not how you spell kapeesh.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Yeah?  How do YOU spell capisce, little brat?

BAILIFF:  ain't tellin'.  it's your fic, genius, you figure it out.

NARU:  Anyway, I really hate my NA voice, and I'm sure everyone else of good breeding and high moral standards does too.

MK:  What do high moral standards have to do with a voice?

TIGEREYE:  It's the principle of the thing, moron.

HAWKEYE:  Gee, no wonder you can't keep your woman, you're a flippin' retard.

And again with the high fives between the members of the Dead Moon Circus.

TIGEREYE:  Was there anything else you wanted to say, Naru honey?

NARU:  Just that I love Nephrite and always will and my relationship with Umino is purely for sex and it doesn't mean a thing, Neffy-kun, really.

NEPHRITE:  Well, that's a relief.

Boy, is it fortunate that Umino is still out cold when Naru's giving her testimony, or I think my eardrums would shatter with the screams and wails.

JADEITE:  I'm tired of putting up with these two idiots.  I'm taking back control of the prosecution.

MK:  But wait!  We didn't get a chance to cross-examine Ms. Osaka!

JADEITE:  Do you really want me to answer that, sissy boy?

As Jadeite's holding that cool blue glowy ball thingy of his and looking just too cute and evil for words, the Moonlight Knight chooses to withdraw his objection.

JADEITE:  OK, now I'm going to call two witnesses to the stand at once, not because they have anything to do with each other but because I feel like it.  Any objections to that, Mister Mamoru of Arabia?

MAMORU:  I resent that.  This twit is nothing to do with me.

MK:  I resent that.  I'm the courageous soul of Endymion, and have nothing to do with him.

SOYLENT GREEN:  Heh heh, they're both so repugnant they gross out each OTHER.

PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE:  Knock it off already.

JADEITE:  Anyway, come on down, Chiba Mamoru and Demon Queen Metallia!

Mamo-chan and a dark black-red cocoon lump their way down to the witness box.  Since Mamoru is nominally a gentleman, he lets the cocoon of the Demon Queen take the chair and stands up himself.

JADEITE:  OK, do you two swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth or be locked in a closet with Richard Simmons on Viagra and a really grumpy Sean Penn?

MAMORU:  Oh, sure.

METALLIA:  Get on with it.

JADEITE:  OK, Chiba-san, aside from the fact that they gave you a crappy name like "Darian," do you have any complaints against DiC?

MAMORU:  Not really, except they kept switching my voice actors, they kept cutting out my music -

JADEITE:  Hold it, we're not even addressing the music or opening scenes issues, since that would take up so much time we'd still be here next Wednesday - which Sailorpluto says isn't going to happen anyway, but why take chances?  Anyway, go on, Chiba-san.

MAMORU:  And they turned my sweet daughter Chibi-Usa into a total unmanageable brat like Rini.

PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE:  Oh, is THAT what happened?

MAMORU:  Sure was.

JADEITE:  Let's just examine this carefully, shall we?  In the original version, Chibi-Usa was, granted, a pain in the neck to Usagi, since she was mean to Usagi all the time and tried to steal away Usagi's boyfriend, who was her own father which personally grosses me out, but then who am I to judge?

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Yeah, just you remember all the times you kept staring at Rei in the shrine before you go throwing stones, Jeddy-teddy.

JADEITE:  Enough with the Jeddy-teddy crap, OK?  I'm trying to establish a point here.  All right.  In the original, Chibi-Usa behaved exactly like a very little girl who was ripped away from her home, was worried about her parents (her mom was frozen in crystal, for kamis' sake, and I for one know exactly how bad that is), and she had no patience for such an utter chowderhead as Usagi.

BAILIFF:  "chowderhead"?  dude, you're almost as lame as the judge.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Do you really want to be found in contempt of court?  I should warn you, Zoi-chan gets dibs on anyone so found.

BAILIFF:  uh, nothin'.

JADEITE:  But the DiC people turned sweet, scared Chibi-Usa into a pink-haired Damien by turning her into Rini.  I think that this is Chiba-san's complaint, right?  That the DiC people murdered the reputation of his daughter?

MAMORU:  Damn straight.  Right with bells on.

JADEITE:  There you go.  Metallia's turn.  This will be a brief but telling point:  Queen Metallia, how do you feel about being de-personalized in North America and only referred to as the Negaforce?

Metallia's opinion of that is unprintable, but I must say that it is EXTREMELY creative, although I don't think it's biologically possible for ALL of the DiC people to be crammed into such a tight space - Uh, no comment.

JADEITE:  Wow!  I don't think I've ever HEARD swearing that creative...  Oh, oh right.  Well, that's Demon Queen Metallia's view of this Negaforce crippy-crap.  Your witness, Sir Moonlight.

MK:  Uh, like the desert hawk gliding over a bone-filled hollow...  (mumble, mumble, mumble)

JADEITE:  Huh?  What's that?

The Moonlight Knight glares.

MK:  I SAID, I don't wanna cross-examine either of them.

Jadeite smirks, and I can't say I blame him .  The DiC guys are all crying quietly.  They know they're doomed.  Heh heh heh.

JADEITE:  Well, then, step down you two.  My next witness is Lord Kunzite, last of the Shitennou and the most unfortunate because he had to deal with that dippy evil Prince Endymion.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  I liked Evil Prince Endymion.  Matter of fact, I like Endymion.  He's got a cape.  He throws roses.  He's got a Golden Crystal.  What's not to like?

JADEITE:  Yeah, well, you would like him.  Anyway, Lord Kunzite, please take the stand.

Kunzaito-sama, last of the Four Kings and the one with the coolest epaulettes and the only one with a cape, saunters down to the stand.  He takes his place and stares down majestically at the court.

The effect is somewhat spoiled by the bailiff quietly throwing spitwads at the Dark King's hair, which will probably soon be discovered and will not bode well for the little redhead, but in the meantime I think it's funny.

JADEITE:  Lord Kunzite, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth or else be condemned to ...  to...  to be Sailor Galaxia's slave?

KUNZITE:  Ouch.  Yes, I swear.

JADEITE:  Good.  Well, in that case --

KUNZITE:  This won't take long, as I have only two things to say.  The first is that my name is notMalachite.

MK:  Objection.  Your Honor, my clients have a perfectly reasonable explanation behind that.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Really?  OK then, shoot.  Let's hear this perfectly reasonable explanation, and let it be noted that I like the name Malachite.

KUNZITE and JADEITE:  You would.

The Moonlight Knight confers quickly with the DiC executives, then nods and stands up, flourishing his cape and twirling a rose between his fingers.  It's actually quite impressive and romantic-looking, and Tsukino Usagi is quietly becoming starrier-eyed by the second.

MK:  Your Honor, the mineral kunzite derives its name from its discover, the German lapidary Kunz.  Due to the North American trademark system, the DiC company could get sued very badly if they were to call a character "Kunzite."  Therefore, it is not out of disrespect for the noble Lord Kunzite that DiC changed his name in North America; it's because DiC would get sued to Hades and gone.

Kunzite considers this for a moment; I decide to let the Moonlight Knight off the hook.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Yeah, sure, sounds reasonable.

KUNZITE:  Very well.  I agree that it's reasonable.  Let it never be said that Kunzite is unfair in his -- what are you laughing at?

Indeed, Nephrite and Jadeite seem to find something irresistibly hilarious about Kunzite's statement.  Whatever.

JADEITE:  Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo....  Jeez.  OK, Lord Kunzite, what's your second point?

KUNZITE:  That I would never never never lower myself to say something as ridiculously undignified as ... to pluck an example purely out of the air, "Cool yer jets, Sailormoon."

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Ack.  Yeah, that's what annoys me about DiC: crappy dialogue and a script that seems only vaguely related to the original show.  Is it just me or is that a pretty poopy way to treat a great anime?

BAILIFF:  for once you're making sense, and incidentally "ranma 1/2" tapes are really high-priced in the us, did you know that?

PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE:  Shhhh.

JADEITE:  Good point, Kunzaito-sama; villain dialogue sucks.  Didja ever notice that in the second season Prince Diamond sounds like a zombie?

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Jadeite, you better take that back or I will fry you so fast you'll think you're in a time warp.  There is to be no, repeat, NO Dimando-bashing IS THAT CLEAR?!

DIMANDO:  What a good little miko.  You may touch my cape.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Oooooh....  Purple cape....  White Prince....

JADEITE:  Bleah...  OK, Kunzite-sama, you may step down, as I'm not even going to pretend that the Moonlight Nerd is going to get his fair chance at cross-examination.

Kunzite steps down and discovers the spitwads adhering to his hair; there is a brief and really interesting scene with him and the bailiff, ending with poor little Speck crying in Dhearec's arms.  Poor Speck.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Well, Jadeite-sama, I think we're running out of time.  Do you have any more witnesses before the jury makes their deliberations?

DiC PERSON:  Wait!  Wait a minute!  Do you mean that we get no witnesses at all?

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Darn straight, buster.  You signed that little waiver saying "I hereby waive all rights to any defense of any worth."

DiC PERSON:  That's not fair!

SAINT ERYTHROS:  It isn't?  Oh, sorry.

JADEITE:  Well, as usual, I've saved the best for last.  I call to the stand that lovely sakura, the lord of icy projectiles, the cutest cherry blossom ever, the King who queens it, the one and only ZOISITE!

I really think that the walls of the courtroom are going to shake down, the cheers are so loud.  Usagi herself is screaming so loudly that I think her face is turning permananently scarlet.  The sakura himself struts up to the stand, Kunzite at his side, enjoying every moment of it.  I swear that his vanity recieves a boost of the sort commonly believed peculiar to Napoleon and Julius Caesar (and Chris Davies, but we won't get into that).

JADEITE:  So, Zoisite, you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth or you get doomed to a lifetime of becki-oneechan fics and watching Kunzite getting subjected to Hentai Man's fics forever?

ZOISITE:  I'm just a sweet innocent sakura, and I will help the court in any way I can.

PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE:  Awwwwww....  KAWAII!

Zoisite preens.  He does look awfully yummy, and he knows it.  He has the jury in the palm of his little hand, particularly affecting the foreman of the jury, that ace of all aces Soylent Green.

JADEITE:  Zoi, this is gonna be a lot like my questioning of Haruka, OK, and I might have to ask some kind of personal questions, so don't get mad at me, OK?  I'm trying to promote justice here.

ZOISITE:  Of course I'll be just as sweetly civil as I can be, Jadeite-sama, I want justice as much as the next gir- as much as the next man.

JADEITE:  Fine then.  First off.  Obviously, you bishounen you, you ARE a male.

ZOISITE:  Yup.  Just ask Kunzaito-sama if you don't believe me.

JADEITE:  Yes, well, I believe you.

SOYLENT GREEN:  I don't believe him!  I want a demonstration! Now!  Zoi-chan, c'mon over here and off with those trousers!

ZOISITE:  Kunzaito-sama, make her stop!

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Soylent Green, this is not a Hentai Man or a Chris Davies fic, OK?  I'll have no indecent stuff onscreen.

DIMANDO:  Not even with me?

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Dimando-sama, you're MINE and don't you ever forget it.  As for Jadeite's line of questioning, keep it up.  I think those DiC jerks are starting to faint.

Which they are, one and all, even the guy wearing the Mickey Mao's T-shirt.

SOYLENT GREEN:  Sorry.  Won't let it happen again, I swear.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  It's OK, I completely understand.  Isn't he adorable?

BAILIFF:  i'm cuter.

PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE:  No comment.

JADEITE:  And Zoisite, you are the lover of Kunzaito-sama, correct?

ZOISITE:  Am I ever!  Hee hee - have I ever told you how cute Kunzaito-sama looks when his shirt is off and his stomach ripples when I touch him in that one spot -

TIGEREYE and HAWKEYE:  Hentai!  Oh, man, where's FishEye?  He'd love this!

JADEITE: And you're not a woman with a really annoying giggle, like those idiots at DiC say, right?  You're a bishounen male who's pathetically insecure, which adds to your charm, and all you want in all the Dark Kingdom is to love and be loved by Kunzite?

ZOISITE:  Of course!  And oh, how he loves me...

TIGEREYE:  HENTAI!!!  I seriously need a camera here...

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Ewww.  Please, people, let's get on with this - what's this?

It's a note from the Moonlight Knight and the DiC people.  I scan it once, then do a doubletake and read it again.  And again.  I can't believe it.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Listen up, people.  DiC is throwing in the towel!  They're PLEA-BARGAINING!

I wait for the cheers to die down.  The DiC people look miserable; actually, so does the Moonlight Knight.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  They agree to turn Zoisite into a male, to redub Nephrite's and Naru's voices, to quit cutting scenes, to keep to an exact translation from the original Japanese, to translate the rest of the episodes with that strict translation, to redo characters as maligned as Minako's, and to make a big whopping apology for how much they've screwed up.  They're even going to hire the Great Ace Otaku as their resident expert!

Cheers all around.  Soylent Green and Herald Elanor, assuming that the case is as good as over, rush over to Zoisite and begin flattering him shamelessly.  Haruka and Michiru each grab Hotaru and Sailor Ganymede, respectively, and squish the respective breath out of 'em.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Wait, wait, everyone.  It's a conditional surrender.

SOYLENT GREEN: Well?  What's the condition?  We'll do anything.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Well - uh -

SOYLENT GREEN and ESMERAUDE -

Hey, wait, when did Esmeraude show up?  No matter, I don't care, as long as Esmeraude keeps her mitts off my Dimando.

Anyway,

SOYLENT GREEN and ESMERAUDE:  Spit it out, babe.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Well...  They'll only do all of that as long as Saffir stands on his head and spells "rhinoceros" backwards.

You could hear a pin drop.

Everyone turns to look at poor Saffir, who blushes.

TIGEREYE:  C'mon, Saffir, do it!

PETZ:  Oh, Saffir-sama, I just know you can do it!

CELESTE:  Petz, you will kindly keep your eyes off my husband!

PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE:  Husband?

CELESTE:  Yes, but don't tell anyone.

PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE:  No worry on that score, babe, we think you're nuts.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Hey!  No one gets to bash Celeste but me, and I don't get to that often because Dimando won't let me!  Besides, she's such an adorable kiwi muffin, isn't she?

ZOISITE:  Never mind that, is Saffir going to pull his little trick or not?

SAFFIR:  Well, I'd like to.  Honestly I would.  But - you see -

DIMANDO:  Come on, otooto-chan, what is it?

SAFFIR:  I can't stand on my head.

PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE:  So that's it?!  Because Saffir can't stand on his head DiC doesn't have to follow through?!

SAINT ERYTHROS:  'Fraid so.

PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE:  We're gonna get you, Saffir.

SAFFIR:  Oniiiiiiiiiiiiiisaaaaaaaaaaaan!  HELP!

DIMANDO:  I told you that you had to learn how to stand on your head.  Rubius offered to teach you.  It's your own fault for not listening to me.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Oh, well, this court is adjourned.  DiC so-and-sos, you got off lucky.

The kid in the Mickey Mao's T-shirt looks smug.  Suddenly, I recognize him.

SAINT ERYTHROS:  Ohmigosh.  It's - it's - Oh, God, no.

KID:  Oh yes.  I am none other than BRIAN WALTER OSBORN, president of S.O.S.!    I manuevered the whole thing because I think that DiC is totally cool, and I knew that Saffir can't stand on his head!  Bwahahahahahaha!

His maniacal laughter is cut off by Zoisite whacking off his head.

The bailiff and Naru get into a poker game, the Dark Kingdom Shitennou play soccer with Osborn's head, and dai'Merolan the Mer'Eliy Messiah graciously teaches Saffir to stand on his head by the simple expedient of tying Saffy's ankles together and suspending him head-first from the chandelier.  Very thoughtful guy, the Mer'Eliy Messiah, that is if you don't annoy Him.

And since the jury disperses in a grumbling mob against the Nemesis no ao no ouji, we never do get a verdict.

That's life, I guess, but I really wanted to see DiC get it in the shorts.  Oh, well.

____________________
 

Well, I swear this all really happened.  Honest.  And to everyone who let me use you in my fic, you're awesome and if by some chance some poor sucker ever decides to give me some money for this improbable piece of tripe, I'll divvy it up with you, OK?  And please don't send any flames to poor Brian Osborn.  The poor guy has problems enough, being nuts enough to support S.O.S.  This is Saint Erythros, over and out.

PS  I'll give a cookie to anyone who can find Aneiron Jander in this piece of tripe.  Miserable wee cutie; somehow he shows up in every story I write.  That is all.  Move along.