TDToM: "Wildflowers" Book 1, Part 1

Once again: it's just a MST.

"Wildflowers" belongs to Naru-chan and Pitzy-chan. To them I mean no offense, and so forth.

Thanks also to Best Brains Inc.

The Dark Theater of Mecha:

"Wildflowers" Book 1, Chapter 1

>Naru-chan (astrael@goes.com)
>
>Pitzy-chan (Lumicite@aol.com)
>
>_Wildflowers_
>
>Book One, Part One
>
>http://www.goes.com/~astrael/Wildflowers/story1.html
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> *Naru-chan's smart. She won't do anything dangerous.*

Raichi: Those sound like some famous last words to me.

> Usagi's words rang in Luna's mind.

Gomezu: [Luna] I'm going to have to get her a softer voice.

>The words of a friend, but a friend who really should know better...
>Luna was worried. Usagi refused to let her go out to make a quick check
>on the girl, insisting that she would be fine.

Maryoko: [Luna] And I was supposed to meet her half an hour ago. Naru won't ever speak to me again!

> *Now, Luna, I'm not going to sleep until you do! I know Naru's
>going to be fine by herself...

Raichi: [Usagi] She's just going on a date with a highly nasty older man who happens to be part of an Evil Empire. What could go wrong?

>you can't baby her like you baby me!*
>
> *Maybe I do baby Usagi too much, but...she needs it a lot of
>the time.*

Gomezu: [Luna] Imagine her thinking she's outgrown diapers.

>Luna yawned.

Raichi: It's a bad sign when the _cat_ phones in a performance....

> "See, Luna, you're already falling asleep." Usagi smiled at her
>little guardian. "Hurry up, already, I have to get enough beauty sleep
>so I can stay young and beautiful."

Maryoko: [Luna] Well by all means keep yammering, your voice is so lulling.

>She sighed.
>
> Luna felt a little sting of sadness at Usagi's words. *She's
>too young to be a part of this, too young.

Gomezu: [Luna] I told her the physical side of our relationship could wait, but she had to insist....

>I know she wishes to be a normal girl...but we all need her. Such
>responsibility for one so bright and cheerful...*

Raichi: Yes folks, Usagi's completely useless, but she DOES keep morale up!

> Usagi climbed into her bed, smiling as Luna joined her.

Maryoko: Should we be seeing this?

>"Now, you fall asleep, Luna. I'm going to watch you."

Gomezu: [Arnold] Ah'm watching you.

> Luna closed her eyes dutifully and pretended to sleep.
>Knowing Usagi, it wouldn't be long before she drifted off.

Maryoko: [singing] Rock-a-bye senshi, just you relaaax....

>Ten minutes later. Luna wiggled out from underneath Usagi's arm, took a
>careful glance at her mistress, and jumped up to the window.

Raichi: [Luna] Hopefully my wife won't ask many questions.

>A moment of soft nudging swung the glass open, and the small black cat
>jumped the four feet to the soft grass.
>
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> Luna ran down the sidewalk until she reached the small store
>that Naru and her mother lived above, in the apartment. Strange, the
>lights were on, and at nearly eleven at night.

Gomezu: But only the ones _down_stairs. Boom-boom.

>The little cat slipped through the slightly opened door and discovered
>Naru's mother

Raichi: ...brutally stabbed to death.
Gomezu: [Luna] Looks like Naru can take care of herself after all. Back home with me, then.
Maryoko: Not so dark guys, please?

>sitting on the floor, sobbing.
>
> *What's this? I -told- Usagi something would happen!* Luna
>padded over to Naru's mother and mewed.

Maryoko: [Naru's Mom] What's that, Luna? Naru-chan fell down the well?

>The red-haired woman looked up in surprise.
>
> "You're...Usagi's cat. Is Usagi around here?"

Raichi: She's fourteen years old and it's eleven at night. Sure, she's probably down at the corner, smoking a joint and wiggling her rear.

>Osaka Jena asked, not really addressing Luna. "I need to know if she's
>seen Naru, ask about that Sanjouin Masato she was meeting in the
>park..." Naru's mother stood, walking to the door.

Gomezu: [Jena] Maybe I should do something like call her... or the police. Naaah.

> *Sanjouin Masato? ...Nephrite!*
>
> Luna turned and dashed out the door as it was opened.

Maryoko: [Luna] THIS looks like a job for....

Raichi: [Nephrite] This is a Ring Pop.

> Nephrite slipped the small jewel the girl had brought him into
>his pocket, and was about to pocket the kurozuishou as well, but it
>began to sparkle from within with a blue light.

Maryoko: [Nephrite] Phew, almost set my pants on fire again.

>He peered at the crystal closely, slowly moving it around to see what
>it was reacting to. The girl again. Why was it always her?

Gomezu: He forgot he installed that girl detector.

> Naru blushed and looked away as she realized that he had been
>staring at her. She felt very strange, almost dizzy, certainly not
>herself.

Maryoko: Get the insulin! She's having "Marmalade Boy" flashbacks!

>When he placed an arm around her shoulders, she thought she would
>faint, her heart was beating so fast.
>
> "Shall we go for a walk? I'd like to talk to you."

Raichi: [Nephrite] And by talk I mean "sleep with."

> Naru was amazed that she could reply. "Sure."
>
> *A walk in the park...I never would have dreamed...*

Maryoko: [Naru] A walk in the park with a creepy stranger who convinced me to rob my mom. Ooh, my heart!

> Nephrite was amazed at the sudden jump in

Gomezu: Girls WILL do that to you, Nephrite.

>her energy level, caused just by almost casual physical contact. This
>'love' had to be the most powerful force humans could express.

Raichi: Tell that to Hiroshima.

>If such innocent contact could cause such a large increase in her
>energy, anything more intimate

Maryoko: ...would make Nephrite feel good, and give a nod to the perverts in the audience.

>would probably escalate it incredibly.
>
> They had only walked about twenty yards when Nephrite stopped
>walking and turned to Naru. "Naru-chan."

Gomezu: [Nephrite] I don't go on many walks. Am I doing it right?

> Her heart skipped a beat. "Hai."
>
> He stepped closer, placing a hand on her shoulder,

Raichi: [Nephrite] Tag. You're it.

>pushing her back slightly, into the shadows under the trees. "I hope I
>don't offend you by being so...direct...but..."

Maryoko: [Nephrite] ...would you give me your panties?

>He moved even closer,

Gomezu: [Nephrite] Does this bug you? I'm not touching you....

>slowly tilting up her chin with his left hand, gently pressing his lips
>to hers.
>
> Her energy was immediately magnified to a level he had never
>sensed before in any creature.

Raichi: Did he consciously neglect sensing energy in creatures that were copulating, or was it just a stupid oversight?

>Capturing it was going to take far more time than any kiss, innocent or
>not, could last.

Gomezu: [Nephrite] Dammit, I'm going to have to kiss her twice.

> *Have to start with the conscious level first, then.*
>
> Naru felt dizzy and lightheaded, almost in shock as she stood,
>leaning against his chest. *So, this is love...*

Maryoko: No, this is date rape. Try again.

>She felt so warm and protected, secure, but almost sleepy...it didn't
>concern her at all, because though she was pretty, she had never been
>kissed before.
>
> Nephrite smiled slightly as the girl collapsed against him with
>a soft sigh.

Raichi: Oh, they're doing the death scene from "Camille."

>Easy enough. He moved off the path and into the darkness under the
>trees, never breaking contact with Naru.
>
> *And now for this -love- humans are so interested in...*

Gomezu: "Rorikon"-- we're soaking in it.

Raichi: Sshhhhllll.... POP!

>and gently laid her down in the grass under the trees, being very careful
>not to harm her. After all, she was very useful...the power of her
>emotion would probably keep Beryl out of his hair for some time.

Gomezu: Well, that and she has nice tits.

>He glanced down at the girl with a mixture of gratefulness and contempt,
>watched her for a few moments.
>
> Something was wrong.

Maryoko: Psst, Nephrite. Your scene! Page four!

> He bent down and looked at her, almost confused. What was it that
>had caught his eye? There was no mark on her, of that he was certain,

Raichi: Except for those magic marker tattoos.

>and she should already be stirring. Why wasn't she, then? Too much
>energy taken...?
>
> No. It wasn't what had caught his eye. Rather, it was what he
>hadn't seen that was wrong.

Gomezu: [Nephrite] Hey, she never took her undies off!

>Nephrite bent closer, placing one ear near the girl's face, pausing for
>a few moments before gasping in shock...how could this have happened?
>She wasn't breathing! A quick check of her neck...no pulse...

Maryoko: [Nephrite] Oh... she just died in my arms tonight!

> Osaka Naru lay in the park, dead.

Gomezu: [Nephrite] Maybe it was a bad idea covering her mouth and nose the whole time.

> Nephrite slowly backed away from her, staring at her, still in
>shock. *I did nothing...to cause this...

Raichi: [Nephrite] It must've been something I said....

>only the energies of consciousness, and love...is that it, then?

Maryoko: [Nephrite] It must've been some kinda kiss....

>Is love the same thing as life itself? Then...how can I be alive...?*

Gomezu: Because you didn't drain your own energy?
Maryoko: Because you have no soul. Next please.

> A noise, the sound of lightly approaching footsteps. He was
>filled with fear at the prospect of being found with the body of a girl
>he may have been seen with earlier.

Raichi: He shoulda walked away... he shoulda walked away.
Gomezu: "Of Mice and Nephrite."

>He stared about for a few moments, as if he were about to run,

Raichi: [Nephrite] I wet 'em.

>then recovered enough sense to pour his energy...her energy...into
>teleporting away.
>
> *No, not the Dark Kingdom...the cathedral...*

Maryoko: [Nephrite] Sanctuary! Sanctuary!

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> Luna ran into the small clearing under the trees just in time to
>see the last sparkles of a red light fade away. She could feel the
>energy of a jump through space.

Gomezu: Just missed the Starship Enterprise. Better luck next time, Luna.

> "Nephrite." she hissed, recognizing the energy's feel.

Maryoko: Kind of oily, with little prickly bits.

>Her luminous red eyes fell upon a figure who lay upon the ground, and
>she crossed the grass to the person's side. Naru, as she had
>expected...

Raichi: Well bully for Luna's deductive abilities.

>looking as if she were sleeping. The small black cat gently licked the
>girl's face

Gomezu: "Naru-chan's Usual Evening."

>in an attempt to wake her. Nothing. Luna mewed insistently into Naru's
>ear, becoming louder and louder, but still, the girl didn't move.

Maryoko: [Luna] Great. I'm just a cat, how am I supposed to give CPR?

> A cold feeling washed over the small feline guardian. *No, no, it
>can't be true. It can't, it can't...*

Gomezu: Just call her Cleopatra, Queen of Denial. Boom-boom, one in a row.

>She bent her furry, pointed ear to Naru's mouth and nose...not a sound,
>not the slightest stir of breath.
>
> Luna turned and ran into the park, calling for help, no longer
>caring if anyone noticed that she was only a cat.

Raichi: [newsreader] Early this morning, a talking purple cat was found next to the body of fourteen-year-old Osaka Naru. The cat, identified as "Luna", pet of Tokyo schoolgirl Tsukino Usagi, has been taken in for questioning. If proven innocent, Luna will be sold to the circus. And now for the weather.

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> "Usagi-chan, have you heard about Naru?"
>
> Usagi buried her face in her hands. If one more person asked...
>"Yes, I heard. I don't want to talk about it."

Gomezu: [person] Gosh, I bet you felt really stupid for not letting Luna go check on her, what with her being raped and murdered and all.

>She closed her eyes, but couldn't cry, she had already cried so much
>that there were no tears left to cry. They had all been cried when
>Luna had returned home very early that morning.

Maryoko: And everyone in the city drowned.

> She thought back to the look of amazing fury on the small cat's
>face, all directed at her, remembered Luna's words as she delivered the
>message, and screeched blame at her.

Raichi: [Luna] Blame! Blame! BLAAAME!

>She had immediately burst into hysterical tears, hardly able to breathe
>from all the pain and guilt she felt. There had been no best friend to
>call

Gomezu: Did you try the Ghostbusters?

>for support...her best friend was gone, and it was her fault. Her
>fault.

Raichi: [Usagi] Oh why oh why did I have to dress up as Nephrite and drain her of her life energy?

> *If I weren't so lazy, if I would listen to Luna...*

Maryoko: And if you were a better cook. That's relevant too, I bet.

> Luna...at least she had instantly cut off her verbal attack and
>tried to be comforting.

Gomezu: [Luna] Your best friend is dead and I blame you, come on, it could be worse!

>Usagi-chan, don't cry, she had said.
>
> *How can I not cry? My best friend is dead because I let myself
>get so involved with Rei and Ami...

Raichi: Damn you Usagi, why did you have to spend so much time saving the stupid world!

>I forgot her, I forgot to care about her, and now she's gone!*

Maryoko: So... did Usagi actually set Naru up with Sanjouin Masato?....

> Usagi stood up and fled the classroom. Her tears weren't all
>gone, after all.
>
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> "Usagi?"
>
> Usagi looked up, lifting her face from her arms, to stare up at Ami.

Raichi: [Ami] You're sitting on an anthill.

>She sat down under the tree next to her, pulling her knees to her chest
>to sit exactly as Usagi was.
>
> Ami sat awkwardly

Gomezu: Sanjouin Masato visited _her_ last night, too.

>until Usagi spoke. "Ami?"
>
> "Mmm?"

Maryoko: [Usagi] What page are we doing?

> Usagi's eyes were wide and so sad that Ami almost jumped when
>Usagi looked at her.

Raichi: [Ami] GAH! They're going to eat me!!

>"Ami, I'll never see her again. She was my best friend, and I let her
>down...I just wish--"

Gomezu: Yeah yeah, if wishes were fishes....

>Usagi's voice cracked, and she hid her head in her arms, sobbing.
>
> "Usagi-chan." Ami's murmured softly as she put her arms around the
>crying girl, tears in her own eyes. "You can't do anything now, Usagi.

Maryoko: [Ami] You couldn't do anything before, either. You're pretty much useless.

>She's happy where she is,

Raichi: [Ami] In a box, in my closet.

>you can't cry for her, she would tell you to stop."
>
> "Ami, it's my fault she's gone!

Maryoko: Nephrite killed her!

>My fault!

Gomezu: Naru went out alone at night with an evil guy!

>If I was a better friend, if I hadn't forgotten her for you and Rei,

Raichi: [Usagi] If only I'd spent less time with you, you socially-outcast bookworm of a sailorsenshi!

>if I wasn't so lazy, if I--"
>
> "Usagi! There's nothing you can do,

Maryoko: [Ami] She's dead, shut up already!

>you just have to... you have to grow from this. It's all you can do."
>
> Usagi pulled away from Ami. "I don't want it to be all I can do!
>I want to change it, but I can't...I don't want to grow and learn from
>this,

Gomezu: [Usagi] If there's one thing I've learned, it's that learning never taught me anything.

>I want it to never have happened!"
>
> Ami spoke very softly. "So do I. But we can't have that."

Raichi: [Ami] So let's have lunch.

Gomezu: [Rei] Leftover sets from "Future War," Toei's really going downhill.

>It was still nearly half an hour before the funeral, and the pews were
>already beginning to fill up.

Maryoko: Quite an event... no good guy has actually really DIED on this show before.

>She spotted quite a few people from Usagi's school, a lot of Naru's
>other friends, even her teachers and the principal. Naru's mother sat
>with a small group of people,

Raichi: [lawyer] Mrs Osaka, we are very sorry, but her insurance didn't technically cover being murdered by another character.

>but stood and walked over to the three girls when she saw them. Her
>face looked even paler than usual...black was not a good color for the
>flame-haired woman.
>
> "Usagi, thank you so much for coming."

Maryoko: [Jena] Especially since it was all your fault, you little bastard.

>Jena greeted her, hugging her close, trying not to cry again. "It's so
>good to see you, you're my other daughter."

Gomezu: [Usagi] You're not my real father!

> *You wouldn't think that if you knew...* Usagi hugged Naru's
>mother back, not knowing what to say.

Raichi: [Usagi] Sorry I killed her. Whoops-- that came out all wrong.

>Finally, she was released from the awkward embrace, and Jena spoke to
>the other girls.
>
> "And Ami from school, and Rei from the temple, is that right?"
>Both girls nodded, and Naru's mother continued, "Thank you for coming,
>too.

Maryoko: They're her other other daughters.

>It's amazing when I look around and see how many people my little girl
>touched...

Gomezu: [Jena] Boy, Naru was a really big slut.

>excuse me..." She turned away, pulling another tissue from her pocket
>and heading back to her own seat.
>
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> "And so, you must see that we do not hold this service for Naru,
>for she no longer feels any sorrow. This service is for

Maryoko: [preacher] Mawwaige.

>you, her friends and family, the people whose lives she touched during
>the brief time she was among us. We all must remember that Naru is in
>a better place now,

Gomezu: Ami's closet.

>she is happy. We will be sad, and miss her, and grieve for her, but we
>must overcome that, and realize that the best way to honor her is to
>remember her. There is nothing more any of us can do.

Raichi: [preacher] And it's not like she was important on the show anyway.

>If we could have a few moments of silence..."
>
> Rei bowed her head in thought for a few moments,

Maryoko: [Rei] If Nephrite was supposed to die this episode, but Naru's dead instead and they have to rewrite, do I still get paid?

>seeing Usagi and Ami doing the same, sobbing silently. She turned a
>bit in her seat...something had been bothering her for almost the
>entire service...

Gomezu: Should've used Preparation H.

> She drew in her breath with a hiss. Ami looked up with a
>questioning face. Rei just pointed behind herself, to a lone man
>sitting in the very back of the church.

Raichi: Lupin III's here for the ginzuishou!

>Ami gasped, turning to whisper to Usagi,

Gomezu: [Ami] It's Ikari Gendou, and he's nude!

>who also quickly glanced to the back.
>
> "Nephrite! I'll kill him, I'll kill him!" she snarled, almost a
>bit too loudly.
>
> "Usagi, calm down! You can't do anything right now."

Maryoko: [Usagi] I could kill him?

> "Rei's right, Usagi, wait until after the service."

Raichi: [Usagi] Alright, but I'll kill anyone who gets in the way of my killin' anyone!

> Usagi bowed her head again, forcing herself to think of Naru, but
>it was hard, so hard, with her murderer sitting so close, too close.

Gomezu: Just a thought, but is there any kind of investigation going on about Naru's death? You know, found dead in the park after meeting a certain Sanjouin Masato and all. And now he's in the back of the church. Or maybe they do it differently in Japan.

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> As soon as the service was over, Usagi sprang up from her seat,

Raichi: [Usagi] Stop! Don't say you'll put me down! Love don't work that way!

>eyes burning with her anger. There! By the wall, trying to stay in
>the shadows, moving to a corner. She walked quickly, forcing herself
>to keep from running,

Gomezu: Practicing for the Olympics, I see.

>not taking her eyes from the shadowy figure. Ami and Rei called for
>her to come back, something about hiding their identities,

Maryoko: [Rei] HEY USAGI! DON'T LET HIM KNOW THAT YOU'RE SAILORMOON!

>but she didn't care.
>
> He was leaning heavily against the wall, head bowed.

Raichi: [Nephrite] Sob! I'll never find anyone that gullible again!

>Usagi walked up to him and slapped him in the face as hard as she could.
>"You bastard! You killed her, and then you dared to come here! How
>could you, how could you?"

Gomezu: [Nephrite] I'll have to check, but I think I'm the bad guy.

> He didn't answer. He didn't even flinch.
>
> "What's wrong with you? Don't you even care?" Usagi demanded,
>tears streaming down her face, voice rising.

Raichi: [Nephrite] ...Tell me again about the rabbits?

>"Listen to me, maybe you don't understand what you did. Naru loved you.
>She trusted you. And you killed her. Do you understand that? She's
>dead.

Maryoko: [Nephrite] No, no, she's just pinin' for the fjords!

>No one will ever see her again, I'll never hear her laugh again, I'll
>never see her smile again!"

Gomezu: So, she's... uh... dead?

> Still no response.
>
> "Are you stupid?" Usagi continued her attack.

Raichi: [Nephrite] I... will not buy this record, it is scratched.

>"She was my best friend, she was like a sister, we knew everything
>about each other--"
>
> "Everything?"
>
> Usagi stopped, surprised that he had actually spoken. "Yes, everything."

Gomezu: [Nephrite] Then you knew... that she was not a real redhead.

> His voice was strained as he brushed her assertion aside. "Empty
>words, Sailor Moon."

Maryoko: On the contrary, every word is brimful of poop.

> She jumped, not so much because he knew who she was, but because
>he was right. She had never told Naru...and she never had any
>intentions to do so.

Gomezu: Naru can stage her own darn superhero lesbian orgies!

>Usagi was silent for a few moments, then almost screamed, "I knew she
>never would hurt anyone,

Raichi: [Usagi] Except she did rob her mom once or twice, you know. And punched Umino a bit. She wouldn't've hurt anyone much. Within reason.

>I knew she could never believe that anyone would want to hurt anyone
>else. She loved you. Don't you understand that?"

Gomezu: [Nephrite] ...Nope, afraid I'm still not getting anything. Could you try it at a higher register?

> He finally looked up, met her brilliant blue eyes with his own.
>"What do you want me to say?"

Maryoko: Just 'yes' or 'no' is probably fine.

> Usagi gasped. His face was at least as tear-streaked as her own.

Gomezu: [Nephrite] They cancelled "Speed Racer"!

>She gazed at him, speechless. His frank stare never wavered from her
>face. Still she stared at him,

Raichi: My gosh, it's becoming "The Touch of Satan"!

>slowly, almost against her will, she reached up to touch his face. He
>flinched slightly as she traced the line of tears leaking from the
>corner of his eyes slowly down his cheek.

Maryoko: [Nephrite] ...You're invading my personal space.

>Time stood still. There were no other beings in the universe but Usagi
>and Nephrite for that one moment. Each held their breath, one
>mystified by the other.
>
> *I've done this before,* she thought,

Gomezu: [Usagi] The last time I almost suffocated.

>*I've seen this creature, no, this is a man,

Maryoko: Script by the cast of "Ronin Warriors"!

>I've seen this man do this thing, I've seen these tears and wiped them
>away before. I've said these words. But it can't possibly be.*

Raichi: Tonight on Wildflowers, we examine the phenomenon of deja vu; that strange feeling we sometimes get that we've lived through something before....

> "Nephrite, you are crying." Usagi breathed in wonder. "Did you
>love her? Is that why you came here? But why didn't you tell her?"

Gomezu: [Nephrite] I was too busy stealing her energy, plopping her in the sack and killing her?

> "Why didn't you tell her who you were, didn't you love her?
>Couldn't you trust her, Sailor Moon?"

Maryoko: [Usagi] Yeah, but I didn't kill her!

> "I loved her with all my heart, she was my closest friend."
>
> "What is this love,

Raichi: WHOA WHOA WHOA!

>Sailor Moon, I don't know it. I only know that she had an energy that I
>did not know and that it was powerful, and that I needed it. I tried to
>capture it and I killed her.

Gomezu: [Nephrite] I didn't mean to, George!

>It was not my purpose to kill her but she gave me her energy, all of it,
>I could not have stopped her even if I had known what I was doing to her.

Maryoko: Oh, the old "I didn't drain her energy, she just leaked it into me" defense.

>It was as if she knew but didn't care. Is that what this love is,
>Sailor Moon, giving, not caring whether it is returned, just pouring it
>out and pouring it out until there is nothing left?

Gomezu: Actually, that's what we humans call "suicide."

>If it is, then it is a foolish thing to waste upon a creature with no
>heart or soul like me. She died for nothing."
>
> "You are lying, Nephrite."

Raichi: [Usagi] She died for pickles.

> For the briefest moment he smiled wistfully down at her, his eyes
>clouded with a nostalgic sorrow, transforming him from a relentless,
>murdering demon into an angel lost on earth.

Maryoko: Albeit, an angel in a funny jacket and slacks.

>Usagi's heart lifted at this naked revelation.

Gomezu: And Nephrite was arrested for indecent exposure.

>All of her fear and hatred of him melted away. She reached for his
>hand and held it in her own. It was warm and strong, not cold as she
>though it might be.

Raichi: A bit sticky, but nothing too bad. Nicely-trimmed nails. Skin needs moisturizing.

>He did not remove his hand but gently clasped her hand in his. Neither
>one could speak. Finally, he closed his eyes and bowed his head,
>tenderly letting her hand slip from his grasp.

Maryoko: [Nephrite] I'll never let go, Usagi....

>He spoke in a voice barely audible.
>
> "She said that to me once. But she didn't seem to mind too much.
>I was amazed and I didn't understand, but I think I might now."

Gomezu: [Nephrite] Lying means not telling the truth!

> "You know that you have a heart, it is so full of love for her that
>it would drown us both. I can feel it.

Raichi: [Usagi] It's leaking into my shoes.

>Nephrite, why didn't you tell her?"
>
> "I didn't know. I felt something inside me so strong, so
>overwhelming, so consuming, I was afraid of it.

Gomezu: [Nephrite] I had the strangest desire for a hamburger with ketchup and onions.

>It was something I felt before but I didn't want to remember it. It
>would have destroyed me so I decided to destroy it and take it back to
>Queen Beryl."

Maryoko: Aww, was the cute little schoolgirl going to hurt you, Nephrite? We understand.

> "What happened to you, Nephrite? Who are you, really?"
>
> "I don't know, I don't remember. Do you remember, Princess?"

Raichi: [Usagi] Er, I'm not really a Princess, my name is Dennis....

> "What did you call me? Princess? Why?"
>
> "I don't know why, but it seemed appropriate. Do you know who I
>am?"
>
> "I don't even know who I am."

Maryoko: [Nephrite] Why am I talking to you then!?

> "We are alike then, you and I, Sailor Moon. We love, but we don't
>trust. We believe but we have no faith. We know but we don't or won't
>remember.

Gomezu: [Nephrite] We like cheese but not pepperoni.

>And we lose because we can't accept what is in our hearts. How then is
>it, Sailor Moon, that we can be alive, so filled with love but not
>believing in its power. Isn't love life itself?"

Raichi: Actually, love is a battlefield.

> "It is, it must be. We are traitors, then, both of us. We are
>both to blame for Naru's death

Maryoko: And so is her mom, for not keeping a closer watch on her.
Gomezu: Oh, and Luna, for not running faster.
Raichi: And Manga Video, for doing a really crappy dub of "Dangaioh"!

>because we did not think enough of her or love her enough to protect
>her, we both lied to her and we both took from her more then we gave
>her."

Maryoko: [Usagi] Oh... but you did actually kill her, and stuff... whereas I saved her life at least a couple times. I think I'm ahead of you by a few points.

> "I must go now, Tsukino Usagi."
>
> "Where, where will you go, back to Beryl?"

Gomezu: [Nephrite] No, I mean I have to go.

> "Do not ask me, I will only lie to you. I may have been lying all
>along.

Raichi: A simple "none of your beeswax" would've done fine.

>Do not trust me, Sailor Moon. Do not pity me, or open your heart to me
>at all, I will betray you.

Maryoko: [Usagi] Hang on, hang on, let me get a pen.

>Learn from what happened to your friend.

Gomezu: Carry Mace.

>You love too much, Princess, and indiscriminately. It will break your
>heart in the end.

Raichi: I see, it's a twisted remake of "Song of Songs."

>Goodbye, we'll meet again."
>
> Usagi stood a long time staring at the spot where Nephrite had
>stood

Gomezu: [Usagi] Wow, look at that stain.

>weeping. "I remember," she whispered. "I remember it all. My God, he
>really is a liar."

Maryoko: Um... I'm sure if we need to know anything, she'll tell us. Right?

Maryoko: Nephrite decorates his spooky mansion in cozy country style.

>that sat on the balcony of his cathedral mansion. His mind focused on
>the last words he had said to Usagi, Sailor Moon.
>
> *You love too much, Princess, and indiscriminately. It will break
>your heart in the end.*

Raichi: [Nephrite] What was I thinking? She doesn't look a thing like Marlene Dietrich!

> He shook his head, as if trying to clear the thought from his
>mind. It was more than a thought,

Maryoko: It was a SUPERTHOUGHT!

>it was the truth, and he knew it all too well. He couldn't remember
>all of it, but he could remember enough, and that's all--

Gomezu: [Nephrite] Let's see... left right straight right left right....

> A high-pitched, irritating laugh snapped him out of his thoughts.

Raichi: [voice] Kirstin Bishop singing telegram!

>"Well, Nephrite, you've really screwed up this time."

Maryoko: Messing up continuity, talking ad nauseum, killing a girl, weeping all over, yep, pretty accurate.

> He twisted in the chair to see the gold-haired man. "Get the hell
>out of here, Zoisite, I don't feel like putting up with your annoying
>presence."
>
> "Well, well," Zoisite said in a mocking tone, "Aren't we just a
>little bit upset? Can't handle the failure that you--"

Gomezu: [Nephrite] Look, my erectile dysfunction is none of your business!

> Nephrite stood up so quickly that his chair fell over and grabbed
>Zoisite by the collar. "Let me make it simple so you can understand me.
>Leave me the hell alone. Now."

Raichi: [Zoisite] What was the middle part, about the leaving?

> Zoisite twisted in fury, but couldn't escape those cold blue eyes.

Gomezu: [Zoisite] Euh! Euh! My sunken chest and stringbeany arms!

>"Fine, fine, I'm leaving."
>
> Nephrite released Zoisite's collar, watched as he coughed and
>gasped for air.

Maryoko: I'm so glad they let us savor this minute of Zoisite suffering.

>"Leave. Now."
>
> The lesser king stared at him angrily for a few moments, then
>disappeared in a swirl of cherry blossom petals.

Gomezu: [Nephrite] There goes a truly great man.

> Nephrite set his chair up and sat down again. And I wonder why I
>drink.

Maryoko: It's so stressful beating up people smaller than you.

>He allowed himself a few moments to clear his mind, forget the annoying
>distraction, before turning his mind back to his talk with Usagi. Even
>to her, he had lied. He remembered exactly who he was,

Gomezu: [Nephrite] I am Kirrock!

>who Usagi was, and who Naru was, and always had been.
>
> He shook his head, leaning onto the table and resting his chin on
>one hand. He loved her, oh, how he loved her,

Raichi: In a "one night stand" sort of way, yes.

>and he hated her too, maybe even more than he had loved her. She had
>always loved him, just as deeply as he had cared for her, loved him
>even as she betrayed him.

Gomezu: [deep voice] Osaka Naru, weed of deceit. Yes, my friend the bit character... I love you.

>Loved him, and whispered it to him even as she pushed the knife into his
>heart. Continued to whisper it as he begged her to tell him, why, why,
>as he forgave her and whispered it back as he died.

Maryoko: [Nephrite] The treasure... is in... acccgghh.

Exeunt.

Fade in. Stark office. Low, cold lighting. Script format. Raichimanotakaru sits at a desk, dressed as a police sergeant, faux mustache and all. Blonde sidekick, in detective outfit, _no_ mustache, enters.

Sgt. Raichi: So, detective, any leads in the Osaka Naru Case?

Det. Gomezu: The autopsy reveals that Osaka Naru is dead, sir.

Sgt. Raichi: Dead?

Det. Gomezu: That's right, sir.

Sgt. Raichi: Well, do you have a cause of death?

Det. Gomezu: No, sir.

Sgt. Raichi: Are there any marks on her?

Det. Gomezu: No, sir.

Sgt. Raichi: No signs of assault, or rape?

Det. Gomezu: No. Er, just a bit, sir.

Sgt. Raichi: A bit?

Det. Gomezu: There's no signs of a struggle, but there is evidence of recent vaginal penetration, sir. And her underpants are missing.

Sgt. Raichi: I see... did you have the chance to collect any possible DNA samples left by her attacker?

Det. Gomezu: Yes, sir.

Sgt. Raichi: Oh, good.

Det. Gomezu: But we decided not to, sir.

Sgt. Raichi: I see. Have you talked to the deceased's mother?

Det. Gomezu: No, sir.

Sgt. Raichi: How about any of her friends, do they know anything about a possible suspect?

Det. Gomezu: Yes, sir.

Sgt. Raichi: And?

Det. Gomezu: I lost my notes, sir.

Sgt. Raichi: Can you remember anything?

Det. Gomezu: Well... something about a disreputable guy named Sanjouin Masato meeting her in the park that night, sir.

Sgt. Raichi: Hmm... have you followed up, done any research on this Sanjouin character?

Det. Gomezu: No sir.

Sgt. Raichi: Do you plan to do so?

Det. Gomezu: No sir.

Sgt. Raichi. Right. Anything else? I heard that one of Miss Osaka's friends has been acting strangely.

Det. Gomezu: That's Tsukino Usagi, sir. She's been heard muttering things about this same Sanjouin Masato, and how it is all her own fault.

Sgt. Raichi: Done any followup on this?

Det. Gomezu: Not a sausage, sir.

Sgt. Raichi: Uh-huh. Detective, what is your personal opinion of the case?

Det. Gomezu: I believe it was leprosy, sir.

Sgt. Raichi: Leprosy?

Det. Gomezu: Yes, sir.

Sgt. Raichi: Right! Put that on the forms. Good work, Detective, you may go to lunch.

Players rise and take a formal bow. Token bouncy girl with pink pigtails enters bearing sign which reads: WITH LOVE TO ERIC IDLE

Cue fanfic.

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> Princess Selenity slowly came out of her reverie. She had been
>leaning against the high stone wall that surrounded her hidden
>sanctuary deep with the palace confines. No one, not even her mother,
>knew of this garden,

Maryoko: Shouldn't this have started in India?

>Selenity had been careful of that. She had created it to exist only
>when she wanted it to. It was one of the first powers that she
>discovered that she had.

Raichi: Magic gardening powers. That must be useful.
Gomezu: I bet she can make tomatoes grow really big.

>She never spoke of her ability. She rarely spoke of anything that she
>could do, preferring to have those around her believe that she was
>incapable of doing most things that came easy to them.

Maryoko: Oh, breathing is overrated.

>The princesses from the other planets who made up her court and acted
>as her protectors, especially Princess Rei of the fiery planet, believed
>her to be flighty, incompetent, and girly.

Gomezu: But in truth, the Princess was butch as all get-out.

>She allowed them to continue to think this because it made them feel
>important. It also allowed her time to herself and solitude.
>
> She loved not having any responsibilities, she loved solitude and
>would do anything to keep it,

Raichi: [singing] She hates company! She hates company! Being alone is best!

>even create a space in time where no one could find her. She could
>create and control Negative Space.

Maryoko: Nega-Space!

>As far as anyone knew her garden didn't exist in time because it wasn't
>visible but it was very much real. Sometimes she worried about it.

Raichi: Sometimes she felt like a nut. Sometimes she didn't.

>Sometimes she thought she could hear other voices whispering in the
>void outside the wall

Gomezu: Come here D-reep. Come here D-reep.

>she had wisely put up to surround her, to protect her in the alien land
>she retreated to when her need for silence and solitude overwhelmed her.
>Sometimes, like today, like now.

Raichi: Like, right this minute. Like. You know. Like, this very second.

> She had awakened reluctantly from her daydream of her beloved
>Endymion, prince of

Maryoko: Air and Darkness.

>the blue planet. How beautiful he was. She had been visiting the earth
>briefly with her mother.

Gomezu: [Serenity] Look, dear, there's the earth.
Raichi: [Selenity] Oohh.
Gomezu: [Serenity] Well, that's enough of that.

>They did not go there often because Endymion's grandfather did not
>encourage their visits.

Maryoko: Maybe if they stole fewer towels.

>For some reason he mistrusted Queen Serenity but put up with her
>because she was the head of the alliance of planets during this, the so
>called Silver Millennium. The alliance had been successful in keeping
>the planets peaceful.

Raichi: Seeing as they were, you know... allied.

>Even the powerful king of the Blue Planet had to admit that Queen
>Serenity was a ruler of exceptional diplomacy, tact and power, even if
>she was 'just a pretty woman with a big crystal and a big mouth to go
>with it'.

Gomezu: ... So he thinks she's just a loud woman, except that she's a brilliant ruler?
Maryoko: "Diplomacy and tact" certainly _can_ mean "talks in circles for weeks."

> She had at first seen the prince in the distance sitting on a
>hillside talking intensely to a man with incredibly long, flowing red
>hair.

Raichi: So Earth is the land of Leiji Matsumoto's transvestites?

>She had received reluctant permission from her mother to take a walk on
>the pretense that she would like to see some of the natural features of
>the Blue Planet before they returned to the Moon Kingdom.

Maryoko: Oh, she just wants to peep at Mr. Ashby. For shame!

>As soon as she was out of sight of the Imperial Palace of the Blue
>Planet she made her way across a field of wildflowers toward the two
>men on the hillside.

Raichi: Earth has a good climate for growing men. You hardly have to water them at all.

>So intent upon their conversation were they that neither man once
>looked up to see the lovely young girl, whose shining yellow hair
>billowed about her in the gentle spring breeze, gliding through the sun
>dappled field.

Gomezu: Wearing a neon orange vest and carrying large signal flags.

>Somehow Selenity had sensed that she would be intruding if she made
>herself known to the pair,

Maryoko: Aka "Selenity was a compulsive voyeur."

>so she slipped into a nearby wood surrounding the field and sloping
>gently up the hillside. If she was quiet she could hide herself
>within viewing distance of the two men.

Raichi: "How Not To Be Seen: Silver Millennium Edition."

>She could gaze undisturbed and undetected at the beautiful Prince of the
>blue planet and his companion, whom as she drew nearer through the cover
>of the trees, she discovered to be stunningly handsome.

Maryoko: Yep, tattooed on his forehead: Stunningly Handsome.

> When she had drawn as close to the men as she dared she quietly
>crouched down behind a rock conveniently near enough for her to look
>closely at the prince's face. She was struck instantly by the
>smoothness of that face,

Raichi: Shadow! Get back to guarding the Graves of Ice, stat!!

>and the stern, cold look in his eyes. He seemed angry or at least very
>upset with the red-haired man whose eyes were as blue as the sky on a
>summer's day. What a pair these two made.

Gomezu: Right! Yaoi smut! Now!

>Her head reeled, her heart pounded in her ears, she gazed longingly
>from one to the other.

Maryoko: [Selenity] It's like I fell asleep and woke up in "Fushigi Yuugi"!

>"Oh," she gasped under her breath, "they are both like gods."

Raichi: In the Roman "flawed, petty and annoying" way, yes.

> Her attention was arrested

Gomezu: For peeping and heresy, and was sentenced to be hung by the neck until it got a clue.

>by the tone of the conversation. She inched forward a little to hear
>exactly what was being said careful not to give herself away.

Maryoko: Selenity'd make a great Batgirl.

>It would be embarrassing and perhaps even dangerous to be discovered so
>blatantly eavesdropping on the two men's conversation. Prince Endymion
>moved suddenly toward the red-haired man and grasped him firmly and
>roughly by the shoulders.

Raichi: [Endymion] Can't you see I'm trying to tell you I love you....

> "You are a fool." The prince sneered in the red-haired man's face.

Gomezu: Whoa, Mamo-breath.

> "Oh, am I really, am I a fool, or are you just jealous?" He
>retorted, whipping his hair back disdainfully.

Maryoko: [Nephrite] Cindy said you were fat.

>He smirked insolently back at the prince who dropped his hands from his
>shoulders and turned away angrily.

Gomezu: [Endymion] I'm not inviting you to my birthday party.

>"Ah, Endymion, I have struck a nerve. Admit it, you are angry only
>because you are jealous and afraid that you'll lose me."

Maryoko: [Nephrite] The lost and found people weren't all that happy the first time.

> The prince turned his head slowly back to face the other man. "I
>have no fear of ever losing you. You are bound to me forever, you know
>that."

Raichi: Nephrite and Endymion are Chang and Eng Bunker!

>His voice was glacial and emotionless.
>
> "And that is the point. There is no harm in what I do with this
>woman."

Gomezu: You just put your thingie in and you move it all about.

> "You cannot see the harm, you are too much taken in by her. She is
>deceiving you and you let her do it because

Maryoko: It's fun!

>you think yourself to be in love with her."

Raichi: He thinks, therefore he is, I guess.

> "And what do you know about love, Endymion? At least the love of
>women. You hate women, you run from them.

Gomezu: [Nephrite] You turn beet red, make little choking noises and then shriek hysterically.

>You treat them like less then objects. You look through them, not at
>them.

Raichi: The Amazing Transparent Women.

>You cannot see any beauty in any woman."

Maryoko: [Endymion] I should bally well say so, old fruit!

> "Women keep men from their work, they are foolish, vain, self-
>centered, and--"

Raichi: [Endymion] ...they have cooties.

> "Don't, Endymion, I've heard this a thousand times and I used to
>agree with you, but not anymore.

Gomezu: [Nephrite] From now on, I want you to call me 'Loretta.'

>This woman is different. She is beautiful but she is unaware of it,
>she is smart, when she speaks she actually says something

Maryoko: In that case, bring her on. Please.

>and she--"
>
> "--has completely taken control of you. I order you to stop
>seeing her."

Raichi: [Endymion] I order you to stand up for yourself and do everything I say.

> "You order me! You are not serious, Endymion. You cannot order
>my personal life. I serve you but you cannot control me."

Gomezu: [Nephrite] Help! Help! I'm being repressed!

> "Yes, I can. I am your Commanding Officer, your Prince and your
>master

Maryoko: [Nephrite] YOu hAve EnOUgh wIVes... thIS onE is MIne!

>and you will do what I say when I say. Is that understood?"
>
> The red-haired man leapt to his feet, furious. He was speechless
>with anger.

Raichi: Did we mention Nephrite was upset? Nephrite was upset.

>The prince rose slowly, one hand resting lightly upon the hilt of his
>sword. Not three yards away, Princess Selenity shrank back,
>incredulous at the turn of events.

Gomezu: A heated argument turned into a more heated argument.

>This was not the place to be.

Maryoko: Try Rick's?

>She began to back away on her hands and knees out of both earshot and
>sight of the proceedings on the hill. When she thought it safe she
>rose and turned about to flee back through the woods.

Raichi: [Selenity] Milky White! Oh, Milky White!

>She slammed into someone blocking her way. Her hands flew to her mouth
>to stifle a terrified scream. From behind her two hands clamped over
>her mouth. A soft, musical voice whispered urgently in her ear.

Gomezu: [voice] Yo--ou good soul, my friends have brought you to me.

> "Hush, hush, don't make a sound. They'll hear you. I won't hurt
>you. Don't be afraid." The Princess shook violently. "It's all right,
>princess, I am just another girl,

Raichi: 'Cause that's all that you'll let me be.

>open your eyes, there are two of us. We were spying too."
>
> The princess cautiously opened her eyes which she had squeezed
>shut in fear. A smiling girl about her age stood in front of her,
>barely able to contain her mirth at the Princess's fright.

Maryoko: Heart attacks are fun!

>The other girl who had spoken to her turned her about to face her.
>Princess Selenity gasped involuntarily for she faced the most beautiful
>woman she had ever encountered.

Gomezu: Yes, even the Moon Princess is taken in by C-ko's inexplicable charm.

>Instantly Selenity felt diminutive and ugly in this woman's presence.
>The woman exuded charm and poise.

Raichi: I love it how the authors suppress their personal feelings on the characters.

>She was tall and shapely, her flame-red hair tumbled down her back in
>luscious, fat ringlets. Her gray-blue eyes danced with merriment. Her
>smiling lips were crimson, full and sensuous.

Maryoko: Oh look, another long-lost Saiyajin.

>This was the picture of all that the Princess Selenity wanted to be.
>Selenity's heart sank, she felt that she would faint. An overwhelming
>desire to know this woman

Gomezu: In the Biblical sense?

>filled her leaving her tongue tied and disoriented. She gaped at the
>woman open mouthed.
>
> "Oh, no, not you too."

Raichi: [woman] Is there not one straight person on Earth?

>The woman laughed softly, "I thought I only had that effect on men.

Maryoko: So much for "she's not aware of how beautiful she is."

>Come with us down the hill away from these fighting fools.

Gomezu: [woman] Come into my parlor.

>How ridiculous Endymion is.
>
>Come, Princess, and we'll talk."
>
> Both women linked arms with the Princess and led her swiftly down
>the hill to a secluded copse of trees.

Raichi: Ignoring her frenzied cries of "Help, help, the Amazons are kidnapping me."

>Selenity was too stunned to speak.
>
> "Now, you are the lovely Princess of the Moon, are you not? You
>may leave me, Ulna,

Maryoko: [woman] You too, Ribs. Shoo!

>I am perfectly safe with the Princess. You know where to meet me later.

Gomezu: [woman] Bring the Redi Whip.

>We will make our journey from there at the setting of the sun."

Raichi: When twilight dims the skies above, and so forth.

> The other woman, still chuckling, bowed slightly to the red-haired
>woman, then melted into the woods.

Maryoko: [Ulna, singing] Oh, I want to go to the Festival!

> "It is good to have loyal guardians, isn't it, Princess? Speaking
>of which, where are the princesses of the four planets who are supposed
>to protect you?"
>
> "What? What? How do you know who I am?

Gomezu: You've got a freaking crescent on your forehead?

>How do you know of the princesses, they are a secret!"
>
> "Don't be silly, Princess, anyone would know you. Your loveliness
>is spoken of everywhere. You are much envied."

Maryoko: Which explains how she knew about the Secret Service Princesses because um... never mind.

> "I...envied...who would envy me that ever saw you?"

Gomezu: People who want to have worthwhile roles on a TV show?

> "How kind you are, Princess. Now tell me, which did you find more
>handsome, the dark-haired, angry prince, or his red- haired, disobedient
>general?

Raichi: Hey, she's Duchess Raven Waves!

>Be truthful. I was hidden with my guardian for the same purpose, to
>adore my beloved from afar."
>
> "Who is your beloved?"
>
> "Oh, no, no, that will not do,

Maryoko: [woman] Can't you pad it out to at least a few lines?

>I asked you first."
>
> "Endymion."
>
> "Ho, ho, you have your work cut out for you then.

Raichi: [woman] Gay as the day is long!

>He hates women. You heard him...'they keep men from their work'. Oh,
>he is comical.

Gomezu: You should see him get goosed!

>Not even I can seduce him, and believe me, I find it easy to seduce
>the hardest, if you pardon the expression, of men.

Maryoko: Sweet, innocent and completely unaware of her beauty. Yessir.

>Well, I am not interested in him in the least. It is his friend that
>I want."
>
> "Oh, well, you may be as unlucky as I. He is already in love and
>it seems to be very serious."
>
> "You are right there, Princess.

Raichi: [Selenity] Where!? Oh, here I am!

>It is very serious. That is why I stole up here after I saw the two of
>them leave the palace today. They are inseparable, you know. They
>always have been. But something, or rather someone, has come between
>them.

Gomezu: [woman] Me.

>This girl that you heard him speak of. He is hopelessly in love with
>her."
>
> "So you know about her. Aren't you upset?"

Maryoko: How much banter do we have to sit through until Selenity realizes that this woman IS said beloved?

> "Me, upset? Look at me, Princess. Do I look upset? Quite the
>contrary. No, I am very happy, very, very happy."
>
> "Why, how can you be? Didn't you see, he was willing to disobey a
>direct order for this woman he's in love with. They are very ruthless
>here on the blue planet.

Raichi: I wish they'd stop calling it that.

>The penalty for disobedience is death. He would die for this woman."
>"Yes, isn't it romantic? How like men to throw their lives away for
>the warmth of a woman's arms. I would never be so foolish. Would you,
>Princess? Of course you would.

Maryoko: 'Cause Stone Cold Naru said so!

>Looking into your eyes I see that, unfortunately, you are one of those who
>would give your life for anyone, man or woman, that you loved. Don't love
>anyone, Princess. Love only yourself.

Gomezu: And so "Usagi's Usual Morning" was born.

>Especially don't love the dark-haired prince. He will destroy you in
>the end. But, oh, it is too late. You love him already. Well, there
>is nothing to be done about it."

Maryoko: [woman] We'll have to kill you, then. Terribly sorry.

> "You can see all that. How?"

Raichi: [woman] X-Ray Specs.

> "I see too much. I wish I were blind like the great prophet.

Gomezu: Harvey Pew's really gone places.

>Well, now I must go. It has been nice to talk with you. We shall meet
>again. I am so glad that it is Endymion that you love.

Raichi: That'll make for LOTS of tears, lies, and melodramatics.

>I would have had to kill you if it were the other. You are too young
>and pretty to kill."
>
> "What, kill me? I don't understand."

Maryoko: "Kill" means "make you all dead and smelly."

> "Had you loved the other, I could not have borne it. You see, he
>is my husband.

Gomezu: So Endymion just ordered Nephrite to stop seeing his _wife_!?

>It was me he was talking about. We leave tonight. He wanted to tell
>Endymion.

Maryoko: Oh, the drama.

>He is very loyal to Endymion...I wonder why. Maybe Endymion will need
>you after all. Soon his best general will be no more

Raichi: And Nephrite'll be gone, too. Ba-dum.

>and he will have to fight the evil that is coming alone. Too bad.
>Well, Princess, as I said, I must be off. And we will meet again, but
>not for a long, long time. Maybe you'll recognize me when you see me
>again and then again maybe you won't.

Gomezu: She looks different with that cherub mask on.

>Maybe we'll be on the same side. No, I think that's very unlikely."
>
> "What are you talking about? I don't understand you at all."

Maryoko: [Selenity] Stop using big words!

> "Oh, you will, Princess, someday. Goodbye. Remember this name if
>you can."

Raichi: Tikitikitembo...

>The red-haired woman bent down and whispered a name in Princess
>Selenity's ear.

Gomezu: [woman] Rosebud.

>She smiled at the Princess's confusion then disappeared before the
>startled princess's eyes.
>
> "Just like that," Princess Selenity murmured cocking her ear.
>"she disappeared right before my eyes.

Maryoko: [Selenity] Just like it says, up there, at the end of the flashback. See?

>Of course that was over a year ago. I didn't know then what I know
>now. Maybe she had control of negative space too. What are those
>voices?

Raichi: Um... that's you talking to yourself, love.

>I swear that I hear someone, a man, a very deep voice, I've heard that
>voice somewhere, where, where did I hear it?

Gomezu: Maybe it's one of those BBC announcers.

>And there is a woman's voice, too. It sounds like they are here with
>me, but that can't possibly be. No one knows of this space."

Raichi: [Queen] Selenity, where have you been for the past five years?
Maryoko: [Selenity] Nowhere, mum.
Raichi: [Queen] You weren't playing in N-space again, were you?
Maryoko: [Selenity] No, mum.

> The princess rose to her feet, feeling an overwhelming sense of
>fear and foreboding. She could come out of the space anytime but for
>some reason she held back.

Gomezu: Maybe it's her five-year mission, to explore strange new worlds, seek out new life and new civilizations?

>This is what frightened her the most. Her curiosity had gained control
>of her reason. She ignored completely the inner voice that screamed at
>her to leave the space.

Maryoko: Selenity seems to have quite the voice-problem....

>She moved down the rose-scented path toward the iron fence set back in
>the high stone wall. She pressed her ear to the gate, she distantly
>heard the voices. They were right outside the gate. "But there is
>nothing there!"

Gomezu: Far be it from me to criticize Selenity's architecture, but why is there a gate, if there's nothing on the other side of the wall?

>she cried. "Only an empty void,

Raichi: Not... the Null Void!

>I know, I created this."
>
> She listened in wonder to the muffled sounds of angry voices
>outside the garden gate.

Maryoko: [Selenity] Wow, it's the authors fighting over who gets to write the next monologue.

>"I must leave here. But I can't! I have to know what this is."

Raichi: [Voice] Hey, could you keep it down, we're trying to be creepy out here.

> Without hesitation for fear of turning back, Princess Selenity,
>turned the key and threw open the gate. What she saw cause her to cry
>out in horror.

Gomezu: The La Blue Girl characters rented some negative space for a cast party.

>The red-haired general of Prince Endymion held a glittering sword to
>the throat of the beautiful crimson-haired woman who had claimed to be
>his wife over a year ago.

Maryoko: A little over a year is a "long, long time"?

>Instead of being afraid, however, the woman was laughing, a slow, deep
>chuckle that held no mirth or amusement.

Raichi: She's the Phantom of Krankor!

>This seemed to infuriate the general. He wrenched her arm which he had
>been holding behind her back viciously. This made the woman laugh even
>more.
>
> "Do you think that you can hurt me? You are a fool.

Gomezu: [woman] You haven't got the guts!

>Oh, look, the little princess of the Moon sees what we do here. Stop,
>you frighten her. Look, she is so terrified that I think that she will

Maryoko: ...pee herself.

>swoon. Now, my love, I am finished allowing you to toy with me. I
>must fulfill my mission. I have dallied with you for over a year,

Raichi: They've been having this dialogue the ENTIRE TIME?
Gomezu: I'm strangely unsurprised.

>and I must say that it has been fun. You are a most wonderful lover.

Maryoko: Bugsy of "Fierce Creatures" fame does Wildflowers.

>But that is not what I was sent here to do. My Queen has grown
>terribly impatient with me."

Raichi: [Queen] Look. Tell me whether you fulfilled your mission-- in ONE word or less.

> "You betrayed me. You used me."

Gomezu: [Nephrite] Like a moist towelette!

> "Why, of course I did, I use everyone. Now, if you will kindly
>remove that silly little sword from my throat,

Maryoko: Yeek! No wonder Selenity almost swooned! Get a room for that stuff!

>we will be on our way."
>
> "I will kill you, now."

Raichi: [woman] It's K-k-k-ken, c-coming to k-kill me!

> "No, you won't. If you were going to kill me you would have done
>it already. You can't kill me.

Gomezu: [Nephrite] Yeah... yeah, give me another couple thousand years! Just you wait!

>You love me. You gave up everything for me, even your precious little
>Endymion. You should have listened to him, dear one. He warned you,
>didn't he? He told you just what I would do.

Maryoko: Talk and talk and talk and talk and never stop.

>Oh, that is much better, my love. My neck was beginning to hurt.
>Don't gawk, Princess, it is unbecoming.

Gomezu: [Selenity] Has she _breathed_ in the past ten minutes?

>Now, my love. Are you ready to come with me?"
>
> "Never, I would never serve what you serve. Never.

Raichi: [Nephrite] Tinned salmon! You're a disgrace!

>How could I have loved you? You are a monster."

Maryoko: What with your big knees and all....

> "And a very beautiful one at that. Come, darling, it won't be so
>terrible.

Gomezu: [Naru] Peach ice cream for dessert! Every other Thursday off!

>We can be together forever. You can rule the universe and I can rule
>with you. After we destroy the Queen Serenity, this little Princess
>and this puny little kingdom we can rule from this space."

Raichi: [Nephrite] ... What was the middle thing, about the global genocide?

> "What, what? Destroy me and the Universe? Rule from this space?
>It is not possible. This space doesn't exist anywhere. I created it."

Maryoko: This reads like something dubbed by Sandy Frank.

> "Yes, you did princess, and it was very kind of you to create a
>home for us. We had nowhere to go until you provided us with this
>infinite amount of space undetectable by anyone.

Gomezu: [Usagi] Yeah, yeah. Return the map.

>Our Queen is very grateful to you. She told me to thank you but you
>can do that yourself in a little time.

Raichi: [Usagi] Sure. Thanks, me.

>Already she sows the seeds of dissent on Earth."
>
> "Earth, no, I would have known."
>
> "How could you, Princess, you have been here for days.

Gomezu: And nobody missed her!?

>It's funny but you lose track of time in negative space. But don't
>worry, my dear. Your precious Endymion is safe. As a matter of fact,
>he is here.

Maryoko: So much for "nobody knows about this garden."

>He came in search of his wayward general but you will do for him.

Raichi: Sure; a little dye, a perm, bulk up a bit, grow a penis....

>My queen has need of you, my husband. Only you know the secrets of the
>earth and how to overthrow it. Come with me and the knowledge you
>possess

Gomezu: The little-known "Nephrite Slave" spell.

>will allow you to possess me utterly. I will always be with you. I
>will always love you, as much as one such as I can love. You melt my
>heart.

Maryoko: Which would be more impressive if it weren't two sizes too small.

>If you did not I could never had held up this pretense for so long."
>
> "I will never. I loved you more then I could bear. You were my
>heart and soul! I would have died for you. I gave up everything I
>knew to be with you, to keep you with me."

Raichi: Right, Nephrite is a big loser, move on please.

> "Would you die for me, darling? How sweet. You are a true and
>loyal husband. Well, you refuse to come with me.

Gomezu: Right-on! She picked the point right out of that ramble! Ten points to the redhead lady!

>Then I suppose it is best that you stay here with the Princess of the
>Moon. Maybe Endymion will forgive you. I must be off now. The queen
>will not be happy, but, then again, she never is.

Maryoko: [woman] Dunno why I mentioned it, really.

>Princess. Take my husband to Endymion. Explain what you have seen and
>heard. He will listen to you."

Raichi: But he may lie to you. And don't love him.

> "Don't leave me. Stay with me. You don't have to go back to her.
>I'll protect you from her."
>
> "No, no darling, you can't.

Gomezu: [Nephrite] Yes I can.
Maryoko: [woman] No you can't.
Gomezu: [Nephrite] Yes I can.

>No one can. But you are loyal to the end. I will not forget you. Go
>through that gate now. Don't look back. The princess will take you
>out of here."
>
> "NO."

Raichi: [woman] Is someone a little cranky? I think it's time for your nap, Nephrite, dear.

> "Go, that is a good boy--wait a moment. I haven't kissed you
>goodbye. Might your wife kiss you one more time before she departs?

Maryoko: Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Smoketoomuch.

>We will be fighting on two different sides soon. You will not wish to
>kiss me then.

Gomezu: Now however, when she's just used and betrayed him, and made an extraordinarily long-winded condecending speech, and he's been on the verge of killing her, suck face away.

>Princess, will you allow me into your sanctuary to kiss my husband
>goodbye?"

Raichi: Hint-- it's a really bad idea, and if you do, you'll regret it forever.

> Princess Selenity held the red-haired general's hand in hers, he
>was weeping silently. His tears flowed down his cheeks onto his chin.

Maryoko: Don't miss... the TEAR DRIPPING SCENE!

>Tenderly, she reached up to trace the path of his tears. He looked at
>her wordlessly.

Gomezu: [Selenity] Big boys don't cry.

> "Is this what you want? Will you kiss your wife? Everything in
>me says not to allow her here, but I will do what you wish.

Maryoko: Sure, it'll probably destroy the galaxy, but it's sooo romantic!

>I don't understand any of this but I will do what you say," the
>princess whispered to the sobbing man. He looked down at her, unable
>to speak. He nodded his head slowly in assent.

Gomezu: [Nephrite] Alright. Go make me a sandwich.

> Princess Selenity spoke to the woman who stood on the threshold of
>her sanctuary.

Raichi: [Selenity] Welcome to Negaspace Gardens. While kissing your husband goodbye on the grounds, we would like to ask that you refrain from murder, smoking, and making long speeches. No outside food or drinks allowed. Enjoy your stay.

> Behind the woman, the air in the void began to swirl and glow red.
>The woman smiled at her. Princess Selenity's blood chilled in her veins.
>"He consents, so I must consent.

Maryoko: [Selenity] At least that's what Daddy told me.

> You may enter."
>
> "Thank you princess, I knew that you would champion the cause of
>true love. Do you remember what I told you a while ago? Never love
>anyone. See where it leads."

Gomezu: A lousy one line an episode and a really ugly yellow suit.

> The red-haired woman moved toward her silently weeping husband.
>The princess backed away as to give the couple a moment of privacy.
>The woman wrapped her arms about the man's neck and kissed him deeply.

Maryoko: [woman] Let me live on in your heart, where no-one has to listen to me!

>He responded with an ardor that so embarrassed Princess Selenity that
>she turned away.

Raichi: [Selenity] Gross, it's on the lips and everything!

> In that moment she heard an anguished cry issue from the red-
>haired general.

Gomezu: : [Nephrite] Maybe there is some pirate in you after all.

>She turned about in time to see him slump to the ground in the arms of
>the woman.

Maryoko: [Selenity] Who could have done this!?

>Her bloody hand gripped the hilt of a sliver dagger engraved with
>initials that, to her horror, she recognized.

Raichi: [Selenity] But who the heck is J.H., anyway?

>The dagger was embedded deep in the heart of the red-haired general.
>He stared up into the woman's face in disbelief, murmuring over and
>over, "Why? Why?"

Maryoko: Has something not gotten through to this man!? SHE'S EVIL!

> "Because I love you, that is why, because I love you."

Gomezu: Oh, that makes it all okay.

Maryoko: I promise never to kill you and then use that excuse, Raichimanotakaru.
Raichi: Thanks. ... I think my brain just shut down.
Gomezu: [standing] Right, I know just the thing. We're going to go watch "Fist of the North Star" for ten hours straight. Come on, guys.

Exeunt.