I think it's generally best to just not ask questions. This is stupid. Really, really stupid. The author accepts no responsibility for damage to the reader.

"Return to the Silver Moon Crystal Sparkley Sugar Millennium"

Zoisite was lying on the bed, flipping idly through an issue of the Dark Kingdom Gazette. He didn't seem to notice, for quite some time, that he was the center of attention.

A certain, dreaded sort of attention.

Finally, a large pencil came down from the sky and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Excuse me..."

"Eh?" Zoisite blinked, and glanced up, "Oh. Again." he sighed, closed the magazine, and stood.

He stood there a minute or two, tugging a strand of hair thoughtfully. Then, he trotted off to find Kunzite.

"Zoisite?" the highest-ranking officer in Beryl's service glanced up from his work, "What do you want?"

"I'm not sure." replied the other, confusedly, "But... there was a fanfic starting, and I suddenly thought I ought to come find you." he paused, and then sweatdropped. "Eh, Kunzite-sama, what are you doing...?"

"What--? Oh-- nothing!" Kunzite snapped, quickly shoving his collection of Sailor Senshi paper dolls into a drawer, and slamming it shut. "A fanfic starting, you say? Hmm."

There was a long, long, long pause. Longer than that one in Evangelion where Rei and Asuka are standing in the elevator. Zoisite began to tap his foot.

"Ne, Kunzite-sama..."

"I'm thinking." replied the other, crossly. "And I think that... we ought to wake Jadeite from Eternal Sleep."

"But..." Zoisite's voice rose to a whining soprano, "But why?" and he suddenly clapped a hand over his mouth.

"So, it's happening again." his superior regarded him with some suspicion, then went on, shrugging. "It's a fanfic, someone's got to."

They teleported down to where Jadeite's crystal was being kept, which happened to be in Beryl's private bath. Luckily, she wasn't there. So Kunzite-- of course Kunzite-- knocked three times on the surface of the crystal, which shattered.

Jadeite made a small, strangled sound, and collapsed to his knees. "Even more... enjoyable... than usual, Queen Beryl-sama." he wheezed.

Kunzite and Zoisite sweatdropped appropriately.

After a moment the blonde General seemed to get his bearings, and blushed, also appropriately. "Again?"

They nodded.

"Well." Jadeite muttered, standing up, "What do we do, then?"

"Well, I..." Zoisite put a hand to his forehead, and blinked, "I have a sudden, strange urge to... kill something."

Kunzite groaned. "We'd better hurry and do whatever the author wants."

"So long as it's not another orgy lemon." Jadeite winced, and shook his head. "Well. Let's get going, then."

As they left Beryl's quarters, Nephrite came strolling down the hall.

"I," he said to them, in a decidedly odd tone of voice, "have a sudden, burning desire for a chocolate parfait. If you'll excuse me." and he walked past.

The other three sweatdropped, watching the retreating figure.

"This is going to hurt, isn't it?"

* * *

"Naru-chan," said Nephrite, over his chocolate parfait, "I love you desperately. Passionately. With all my heart. You have converted me from the Dark Side."

"But Nephrite," she replied, her eyes twitching like crazy, "weren't you dead?"

The brunette man thought a moment. "Yes, yes I was." he said, "Why am I alive?"

They both pondered it.

"I know!" Nephrite finally crowed, snapping his fingers, "My undying love for you has rekindled my life force, and--"

"That'll do, Nephrite-sama." Naru said, sweatdropping, and returned to her ice cream.

* * *

Meanwhile, Jadeite, Kunzite, and Zoisite were wandering around downtown Tokyo. Kunzite was completely expressionless, and Zoisite looked vaguely insane, whilst Jadeite appeared more than a little confused.

"I can't decide whether I'm perky, serious, or just plain boring." he muttered, "And what's more, I have a sudden, burning attraction to Sailormars. No, wait, Sailorvenus. Or maybe Sailormoon?"

"It's happening." Zoisite whimpered. "Kunzite-sama, do somethi--" he broke off midsentence, realizing that his voice had strangely become soprano again. "I mean..." he whispered, trying to make it return to normal, "we have to do something about this."

"I do, you mean." the tallest of them muttered.

"Unless I'm the brilliant one." Jadeite blushed, under a duo of withering glares. "It's happened."

Zoisite sighed. "Actually, it may well be Nephrite that we need. He was doing the chocolate parfait thing again and..."

"Well, where'd Nephrite go?" Kunzite stopped, to look around, "And why the hell are we walking around, anyway?"

"Because Nephrite's the only one with a car?"

* * *

And speaking of Nephrite's car....

"Say, Naru-chan, shall we go for a ride?"

"Um..."

"C'mon!" giggling like a small child, Nephrite dragged his date outside, and pointed. "Isn't it beautiful?"

She facefaulted. "Nephrite-sama, didn't you have that really nice red sports car--?"

"Pah." Nephrite made a dismissive gesture, "But a civilian vehicle. Now this..."

"It looks awfully silly, Nephrite-sama."

"Nonsense." grinning like a mad fool, Nephrite dragged his date over to the car. He thought a moment, then handed her a helmet, and donned one himself.

"Here we go--!" still looking horridly gleeful, he started the tape player and began to sing loudly.

Naru screamed in terror. "NO! NOT THAT SOOOONNNNGGG!"

* * *

Kunzite stopped suddenly. "Do you hear that?"

"No," Jadeite paused, listening, "Wait! Yes! That can only mean one thing--"

"Nephrite's in 'benign and silly' mode?" Zoisite groaned despairingly.

"Well, it's always either that or he's out for your head."

"This's worse, I'm assured of a messy and painful death!" he whimpered slightly, "Kunzite-sama, do some-- AIIIIIIIEEEE!"

"Be strong." Kunzite spared him a slightly-less-icy-than-usual look and a pat on the head, "Once we find Nephrite, we'll get it all worked out. Now c'mon."

The trio broke into a run, hurrying in the direction of the unmistakable tune.

* * *

Benign and silly may not have been quite an appropriate description of Nephrite's current state. He had strangely acquired a pair of white bellbottoms, a blue shirt, and red socks, and was still singing at the top of his voice. Naru looked fairly insane.

"Maaha go go go!"

They might have continued on indefinitely had the other three shitennou not leapt out in front of the car.

"Stop!" Jadeite saw fit to yell, "Stop, or I'll stop you!"

"If we crash, I can't win!" Nephrite whined, but he braked anyway, coming to a stop in the middle of the street. Luckily it was a low budget fanfic with no room for extras so nobody else was driving there anyway.

Naru, appropriately, collapsed.

"What's the idea?!" the brunette demanded, hopping out of the car, and storming around to face the trio. He glared at Kunzite. "You're the most dangerous man I know. And you're wacky!"

Kunzite looked hurt. "I"m not wacky, I'm a genius!"

"Can we stop this already?!" Zoisite shrieked, from where he knelt on the pavement, clutching his head, "We don't have much time!"

Nephrite turned to him, blinking. "Are you my brother?"

"It's the tape!" Jadeite cried desperately, realizing that a certain song was still blaring from the white vehicle,"It's affected his mind! Kill the music! Quickly, before we all go mad!"

Being the one who generally did things, innuendo aside, Kunzite stepped majestically over and clicked the tape off.

Blessed silence.

"I... ahh... ouch." Nephrite blinked confusedly, "What was that?"

Zoisite suddenly sprang, a homicidal glint in his eye-- but was luckily intercepted and subsequently restrained.

"He was right, we don't have much time." Kunzite intoned, grimly, pinning his companion's wrists, "This wasn't the time for an identity crisis."

"You put up with the whole Locke the Superman ordeal!"

Zoisite made a strangled noise.

"That's different. While your fearless spirit was racing, we were being fanficked."

"Fanficked?!" Nephrite bellowed, "Why didn't you tell me? This is horrible. The whole parfait thing should've tipped me off. What do we have to do to get out of it?"

"It seems to be your job." the caped man replied, in a dark tone, "I'm becoming more of a horribly mindless icy bastard by the moment, Jadeite has been little more than pleasantly clueless--"

"HEY!"

"--and Zoisite..." Kunzite sighed deeply, as the small man's eyes threatened to glow red again.

Zoisite whimpered piteously. "I don't wanna die."

Nephrite grinned.

He paused a long moment, just grinning, and reclined rakishly against the white convertible. "I don't know, I kind of like this..."

Jadeite and Kunzite looked furious, Zoisite was still writhing. "Tasukete, Kunzite-sama, I so want to kill him... or anything... anything..." his voice wavered madly as he fought against the soprano.

"I know." Kunzite seemed to be trying fairly hard to think, "If you aren't going to help us, Nephrite, I'm turning that music back on."

"What--?!" either the influence was starting to overcome him, or Nephrite himself could not stand the thought of further... um... making a fool of himself. "You wouldn't!"

"Yes, I would. I have no compassion."

"Kami-sama, it's getting worse." Jadeite's (exceptionally beautiful) eyes widened as he became strangely translucent. "Help!"

"Aaack... must kill... Kunzite, HELP!" in roughly two seconds, Zoisite broke free, snapped the neck of a huge-eyed, ubercute, completely innocent widdle child and then was messily devoured by... a horde of rabid gerbils. Yes, gerbils.

Kunzite looked disinterested, then suddenly came to himself and registered an expression of horror.

"Zoisite--!" he realized quite suddenly that he was freezing up,"Nephrite, would you do something?!"

Neither noticed particularly as Jadeite vanished, with a small squeak.

"What can I do--?"

Naru levered herself up on an arm, eyes swirling dizzily. "Oooh, Speed."

Kunzite gestured wildly at the sky, "Appeal to the author! Quick!" then he suddenly snapped into a perfectly nondescript pose, standing straight, arms crossed, a grim expression-- and froze. Literally.

Nephrite glanced around, at the few bloodied scraps, the statue, and the distinct lack of any Jadeite residue. "Oh, fine, fine... Author? Author-sama?"

And lo, the skies opened, and a voice spake from the heavens.

"What is it?"

The brunette shitennou turned very red. "YOU! I'm not begging any favors from YOU, you..."

After a long and creative recitation of unprintables, Nephrite was out of breath.

"What is this, some kind of sick joke?"

"Yes." the author replied, and a giant parfait came down and smothered him.

...

...

...

...

Okay, enough of that.

Zoisite wheezed painfully as he groped for the edge of the bed, pulling himself up. Kunzite was just getting into a sitting position, wiggling his fingers as if they'd been asleep and blinking dazedly.

Then he sighed.

"I wish they'd leave us alone." he glanced over, noting Zoisite's condition, and gently lifted him onto the bed.

"Itai," the smaller whimpered, falling back against the pillow, "No wonder we're losing to the senshi, how are we supposed to accomplish anything like this?!"

Kunzite sighed again. "I'll go get you an aspirin."

* * *

Nephrite opened his eyes. He seemed to be lying on the floor of his mansion somewhere.

"Dammit, again?"

There was a pause.

"I think I'll go find a yoma... or two."

* * *

Jadeite found himself back inside his crystal.

"Well, it's nice to exist again, anyway..."

* * *

Meanwhile, Queen Beryl sat on her throne, scowling.

"It isn't fair. Nobody ever writes fanfics about me..."

...

Ominous laughter echoed through the Kingdom.

Ohhhhhhmy.

If you didn't understand the whole... um... whole identity crisis bit, may I refer you to the Online Seiyuu Database.