Another "took-a-long-long-time-and-I'm-still-blinking-at-it." I hate myself sometimes.

"Itaranai"

"So you want to see what I am now?"

I've been called so many names. He blinked his eyes and wandered on.

"You know, I think I'd forgotten even what I was supposed to mean, to anything."

That was halfway true, as the chains of mortality were so far beyond him he could only remember the merest inklings of... what it had been. And each of those was hurt.

"I'm not sure which is worse--"

Oh, this is worse, this is worse.

A moment. It was all he'd had, all he'd ever had in an unnaturally long life of a thousand centuries spent sleeping, a few decades in such bleakness and corruption that it had been near unbearable.

"A murderer, I was..."

A wistful tone, but not for that. He longed to see beyond the darkness clouding his vision and find the true idea he'd had, of the past.

"Of my life."

How strange, to say that now that it was over. Ended. Or was anything ever, truly ended, he wondered. He knew only he had been trapped in this endless, timeless nether for some eternity; and eternity stretched before him. Eternity to search, fruitlessly.

"I lied to myself. I'm still no different..."

But in that one moment, was I--? He thought so. Or maybe, that wasn't the difference at all. The fear had dissipated, in just the last pain-filled few minutes, and he had realized just how ungrounded his worries had always been.

But then he'd watched.

Sat from afar and seen the one he loved fail where he himself had failed; where that one, so much more worthy, more powerful, should have succeeded. And in the smallest selfish way, he had hoped the success would never come--

Because I need you with me.

And he'd watched Kunzite throw his life away.

Ever since, he'd wandered to look for him. He hadn't an idea what went on, on Earth, or in any other reality. But he knew he was sorry.

"Don't you understand how you could have escaped? Don't you understand how you told me what you'd never said in just that last precious moment, without even a word..."

No, he didn't.

It was a deeper hurt-- this guilt, sadness, concern.

"I wish you had lived."

But then, there would be a someone else. A something else. Whilst he was here, trapped.

"No, I don't... that's very selfish of me, Kunzite-sama, but I want... you."

Even with what I am now?

"I don't even know if he would recognize me."

(But yes, of course: still clingy, still afraid, still--)

Just that moment. He tried to recall, again, just how it had been-- images increasingly unclear, blurred by pain and memory.

"I'm sorry..."

He paused in his endless walking, to turn his head and look around; the landscape, as ever, gray, nondescript, and empty.

"...Are you looking for me?"

*

(Perfect soldier.)

Am I even bothering, to search?

--Perhaps it is selfish. Or perhaps it is better for him if I...

(if I remain alone. That is the punishment.)

Which continues, even after bodily death.

So, I left the Earth in dishonor, to sit here, half-dreaming, in pain self-inflicted and--

(I should do something...)

"It's always the difficulty," the heavy foggy silence somehow unbroken by even the murmured words; laying too heavy to be dispelled. "ever the... fault."

Doing nothing.

(if in acting we may make mistakes, it is safer then not to act, and in not acting one remains safe and deeply flawed and alone at the end of all the worlds. Thus.)

Did I expect him to come to me? (Speech was uncomfortable, here.) Did I expect him to simply be here for me?

Why should he... indeed.

("Ore o...")

"Because I did not think he would abandon me even now.

Though....

("...omae no tamashi ga...")

Though he should."

He blinked.

"Am I alone?"

It is not dark, but the fog is heavy, or the walls of the prison are thick; and I cannot see, very far.

Blind-- he thought what it would be, to wander blind through this world. And thought next that, perhaps, many wandered, in search of--

Whatever they thought they... missed.

(Maybe he's wandering.)

...

That...

"Being selfish again."

The thought of him wandering, lost; crying.

And he could never find me here....

The man stood.

(...I cannot see...)

He closed his eyes to the blindness.

"Tasukete okudasai..."

*

(The tears are cold as I sit; curled here, trembling, from what, no-one would ever know. Or would they?

The fingers that brushed away the tears were soft, but only momentary, leaving chilled droplets clinging to his eyelashes. And he blinked.)

"Maybe that was the problem."

He had stopped, exhausted-- a strange exhaustion, seeping from the fog, seeming to infiltrate his body and make him want to curl up and die--

But he couldn't die, of course.

"Just because of my body..."

--Yes, that was seeming more and more of a hindrance, more and more like the cause of all his problems. But the form here was the same. Why?

So I can recognize myself?

He made a low, pitiful sound of disgust.

"I cry too much. Too weak. Too paranoid, too stupid, stupid, stupid!"

Somewhere he had levered himself to his feet and staggered blindly on, shouting insults that seemed to echo back in a thousand of his own voices.

Berating himself gave him strength. Or at least enough preoccupation to keep going.

and on, and on, and on

Eien....

And somewhere on the hidden road the fury died and he was left with only tears. Again.

"What does it matter, I can't see anyway, and no-one can see me..."

(how charming, I'm lost to the world)

"I'm sorry, Kunzite-sama." he whispered hoarsely. He wasn't searching anymore, not now; just walking, walking, forever he thought.

because if I stop--

What was the use of that?

("Kunzite-sama..."

A silly, a very silly thing to do, standing childlike; his back to the wall, wearing only that soft yellow blanket.

And Kunzite stood blinking a moment before he closed the door, stepped over.

"Zoisite, what--"

"Kunzite-sama, I need to... apologize... for all the trouble I've caused you." he whispered. Stupid, stupid words, and he knew what he wanted out of all of it--

but how can he reassure you now? why should he?

"I-i mean, the whole thing... your reputation, having to-- I-- I've claimed so much of your time, and I..."

He realized that Kunzite was very, very close to him, standing only feet away, arms crossed. Staring. Those eyes he longed to know, and yet--

"Gomen nasai, Kunzite-sama, I'm not--" he flushed crimson, clutching the blanket tighter. "I'm not a girl." how thoroughly, completely stupid.

what was I trying to say...?

...

Kunzite sighed tiredly, leaning forward to gather the pathetic figure into his arms.

"I wish I were dead," came the choked whisper.

"Forgive me." was the only reply.)

(...so long forgotten...)

Why should he help you?

He wanted direction. He wanted direction badly, and there was none; only this.

Indecisive. Hesitant. And afraid.

"Is this in every lifetime?" he stopped. Maybe it was best not to--

But what if this is the end....

If this-- death-- were the last in his sequence of lives--

Then it'll be forever. That was new. The thought was crippling, frightening; just as the memories of each incarnation.

And left him with still more indecision.

"And every time, I..."

He tried to think, tried very hard. But the thought of forever was beyond him; and the thought of forever, alone, unresolved, caused an irrational terror.

The thought, however, of ending forever with nothing to say but "forgive me"....

"But what else can I say? What do I have to offer? Whatever was I, except--"

*

"--a hindrance..."

Clingy, weepy, paranoid romantic--

--omae wa--

("Utsukushi...")

"You can't see me now." Zoisite whispered roughly, sinking to his knees.

I don't want him to see that I'm not beautiful--

or...

His fingers traced the thin scar down his left cheek. So that had followed him here, too.

Thoroughly. Stupid.

In his most deplorable state; when he was most worthless, most broken-- when he had become a complete and utter failure, and all but proved Nephrite right--

He closed his eyes tighter, but could not fight the tears.

I was so wrong, so foolish, so-- needlessly afraid, to think that how beautiful I was could make any difference to--

(Heat and fire, forms entangled in the darkness, sounds of--)

"Am I really so shallow that that's all I'm choosing to remember..."

"No; it's only a memory," came a quiet voice, "But forgive me, for thinking that you really were so..."

"Forgive you?"

The fog swirled slowly; thicker perhaps.

Kunzite sighed, almost inaudibly. "There is nothing--"

"For not trusting you, for not realizing, for--"

"--but that was all my fault..."

There was a pause.

"Was it?" the voice asked.

Kunzite... didn't know.

*

"Please say you'll forgive me, Kunzite-sama." the tears were on his face again, hidden as he was, "Please, I--"

"Only," came the voice, "if you can forgive how I didn't let you realize--"

Zoisite raised his head suddenly, straightening up, his gaze flitting over his surroundings.

"Hai." he said, not bothering to wipe the tears away, "Yurushimasu."

There was another pause; Zoisite knew his breathing was ragged, knew he was tense; strangely, silently elated. Though he still could not see-- he knew he was close, now.

(If imperfect.)

If you have commented on everything I've ever touched, if you've never commented on a fic before, please comment on this one. I alternately love and hate it, and I'm wonderfully insecure about allowing it to be seen. I'll probably take it down next update anyway. Aaaagh...