Oh Christ almighty, he just won’t stop…

January 29th, 2002
Subject: How silly can you be…?
Josh,
My dearest Satan shared the e--mail you sent to her with me. I cannot help but wonder if you perhaps had your brains sucked out instead of your blood. You realized you upset her when you talked about killing her friend. Now, you appear to have decided to inform her that not only will you kill her boyfriend, but that she will help kill me. Really, my dear boy, do you think that she would be dating me if she did not feel something for me?
I also feel that perhaps I should inform you that I refuse to believe that you are a vampire, or 'vampyre'. Your claim to be immortal is also confusing me, as several times you have made refrences to your own death, or suicide. I would like to point out that if some form of sustinance is required to continue living, than you are not, in fact, immortal.
[Paragraph deleted because it makes me blush - Satan]
I think you should just piss off. Though Satan and I do so enjoy your little e-mails, your threats to her and her friends are offensive to me. What upsets her, upsets me. I would not have stepped in and initiated a corespondence with you, had she not said I could. That, is one of the main differences between you and I, Josh. I ask my Lady's permission. I know her. I did not want to tread on her toes. Acting as a true gentlemen, I have stepped forward to defend my lady's honor, not only as a lady, but as a human being. Your claims that she is not human is rather degrading to her and me. Nothing so wonderful, could be immortal. Every good thing must come to an end, including the life of my luv, when the time comes.
Well, once more, I have prattled on far more than necessary. My offer to help you with your grammer still stands. I also have an associate in psychology who believes that perhaps you should seek serious help. I am inclined to agree. Now, you silly little poofter, piss off.
-Adelar the Troll
(keeper of all things sacred to Satan)

Necron's not too happy...

Subject: RISE DOOMCHIDREN FORSES EMULATE HAIRY TICK TROLL DIE
troll now who do you think you are. i am the leadre of my coven of the spooky children, all very well traned vampyres are under one wright under satan, who is our prinsess. i thnik i know better then you wehat i am saying, ok. satan gives all vampyres and whiches and rcokstars like marilyn mansun and slipknot thier power, i am just lucky to know the reel satan, i am lucky cuz i have her love. and who are you too tell me what way to spell, i can spell good, who knows, may be you are wrong so get it strait. dont mess with me, you know no thing of dark misteries powers cuz you are mortal troll. i am 24 in man years but immortal in vampyre years. i am of the gangril breed of vampyre which means i can cannge shape and have superrier strainth. i am more man then you,ok that's the point. i ws electid as leader cuz of that. now i dontknow why satan is'nt writing too me but if its you i'll drain you of all yer fluwids, mortal. i mean it. i said i was sorry for thesuccubius so she shold like me now. i told you to stay away so follow my ad vise if you know whats good fer yer patetik flesh. and stop telling me how to wirte ok. its pissing me of. NECRON ROMANCER OF DEATH

There is real fodder here for concerned parents to ban roleplaying games.

Subject: My, my, my...
Josh,
Did you get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning? Really, to become so upset over a simple attempt to help! You Americans really are the emotional type aren't you? I wouldn't let the grammer bother me too much if I were you. If you stick with it, focus, and correct typos, you'll improve with time. Actually, most of your errors are typos. You needn't get fussy simply because I am trying to understand you, and help you become more understandable. Really. Who am I? Did we not go over this once before? I am Adelar the Troll. Satan, who I prefer to call my Lady Luv, is my girlfriend. You, have been bothering her. She has given me her permission to intercede. Intent on defending her honor, saving her some grief, and perhaps getting her to smile, I have entered the fray.
You should try to understand that 'Troll' and 'Satan' and 'Necron' are monikers, nicknames, apodos, handles. They are not, our true names. Satan, is not a fallen angel, living in the underworld. She did not do battle with God. I am not, a Troll as portrayed in fairy tales, movies, or games. You, are not a vampyre, with special powers. These are simply other names we are called.
I cannot comply with your request that I leave Satan alone. She is my girlfriend and I love her. To suddenly cut myself off from her, would hurt me, and her. I am not concerned about my own well being, but my Lady Luv means the world to me.
Satan has not given special powers to anyone. She has simply given me her love, which is more than I could ever ask of her. Her strength, love, intelligence, and beauty are all far more than I could have ever dreamed of attaining.
Allow me to reiterate, Satan is not a fallen angel. She was given that name by her pisser ex-boyfriend. He was being a shite at the time, and attempting to anger her. Since, he has moved on. If I ever get my hands on that bloody poof, I'll castrate him! Terribly sorry, I digress. The fact that my Lady Luv is no longer responding to your e-mails should tell you something. Granted, you did apologize for the comment about her friend, but that does not mean that she must love you. How can she love you, when she loves me? She is ignoring you in the hopes that you will go away. It is not my doing. I cannot make her do anything she does not want to do. She is very headstrong. That is part of the reason I love her.
In reguards to my death and you drinking my bodily fluids... I do not think I will die any time soon. If you want to drink my urine, feel free. I can bottle it and post it to you, though it may take a while to get to you, the American mail system being what it is.
Well, that about does it from this end. I refuse to give you details on the relationship that I have with my Lady Luv. I am a gentleman and our love life is not important to you.
If we are to continue this pissing contest, I will need to know a few things about you first. When did you drop out of college? What do you look like? What makes you think, you know my Lady Luv better than I?
I believe that should do it for now. Feel free to rant at me some more. I do so enjoy these little chats we have. You really are good for a laugh or two. My mates and I have been enjoying all this. The blokes here think you should seek help, or maybe just go out and get really pissed and shag some bint. You really do come off as being a bit randy in your letters. Good luck!
-Adelar the Troll
(keeper of Satan's words of love)

Thank you, Troll. Couldn't have said it better.

Just when I thought he was gone, he notices the emails I posted!

January 30th, 2002
Subject: MAD
look prinsess my life is so fucked up wright now. have you seen the site? yeah our letters are on it, how did that happen. now when i find owt i'll tare some flesh form lim too lim and ravige flesh. if it's the succubis, can i suck her blood then? what is wirse is the pix are gonne. and i cent the site to somme of my mansun sites now they can all see our lettres. my life sux and i want to committ suicide. i told you to write back now whats stoping ya. if its troll i know the truth, hes a terrerist from france or some thing, so dump him be four he bomms yer kassle of doom.i will suck his blood miss tress he's full of shit. no i lust fer blood and death. write back no nothing's stoppin you but the forses of lies. doom lirks in the shadows but necron livs forever and he will kare for ya till the end of time, maybee even longer.bloody kisses ferever~josh~NECRON ROMANCER OF PRINSESS OR DEATH

I know they're up. I'm writing this. I just blew off an essay to make page three tonight. Yes, Satan knows. This was Satan's idea.
What, you didn't think I was NICE, did you?

Subject: yer dead
now succubis, i was ewillng to fergive you cuz the prinsess was mad at me fer wanting to drink yer soyuled blood. it is soyuled isn't it, haa ha. you probley already seen that on the site tho cuz YOU PUTT IT UP. didn't you. and tho it wasnt enuff, you re moved the pix.yeah, you or troll.why do you want to harm me when i've done nuttin to ya. now sure ley the prinsess can understand why i want you rto die so bad. i meen it, one more move owt of you succubis and theyll find yer draggled korspe drinched in blood.i meen it now. and don=t you even think bout showing this to the prinsess, this is beetween you and me, ok. NECRON ROMANCER OF DEATH

Back off my Succubus. Oh, and you know, the first thing she did was send this to me. Oh, yeah, and I took the pictures down because I don't need any more stalkers jacking off to my image.

Subject: help
hey chibi pj what's up? look i need yer help. just tell me wether the succubis or troll desided to put my lttres up on the site, ok. and don't tell anyone you get this., thanks a mil. bye bye NECRON ROMANCER OF DEATH

PJ is not going to be your secret informant, Necron. Guess what? The first thing she did was send this to me!

Subject: INPAIL TROLL FLESH RISE DOOM FORCE
now troll, i have been thikin bout this and im mad. not only that you deny my dark carft but you cerrekt me, and some one is putting my leetrs on the site i saw tonite, and i think its you or the succubis, maybee even chibi pj. pobley you. cuz satan, my prinsess would nt do that, she knows our letterrs are scared.now iveryone can see them, its not right and i am in the throws of violense. and idont sleep i dont have abed but i live in a coven with my spooky children right here in ***********, yeah nearby where i can suck yer fluwids and i dont mean piss or not thing.now if yer not amerikan what are you freench of something? are you a terrerist? i wouldn't be suprised,just remember i such the blood of all tererists. don't deny my art of darkness iam a reel vampyre and just cuz you are not whut you say you are dosn't meen i am not what i say i am, do you get it. satan did giv me my powers, you wouldnt know, she doesn't tell you everything cuz she is the miss tress.i change shape and size being gangril. my flesh needs preteckshun from sun lite, so i cover my flesh in korspepaint during day howers. i have retaktabel fangs and claws. better to peerse yer flesh with troll. i am not randy im necron so get that strait, ok. go away now,im mad and need to kill. NECRON ROMANCER OF DEATH

Well now, Troll couldn't post these letters, and neither could the Succubus. I'm the only one with the password. Guess who did it!

Just when I thought Necron was gone...

February 2nd, 2002
Subject: satan lives ferever NECRON DIE NOW
dear satan, my prinsess, well i guess ive been thinking and all and i know you don't love me. i am nott mnworhty. so what can i do but die . die right noe at the hands of my misstress. good bye fair lady. dont worry the spooky children wi;ll putt me at thier meresy. NECRON ROMANCER OF HIS DEATH

Subject: fer you prinseess
well i been thinkin more i can't die. i lead the spooky children and we wereship you. be apeesed dark misstress i am not worhty
you will learn how importent that is in meentime i utter chant to you. SHADOWS PART REECH OWT CHIDREN OF DOOM
IN DARK SHADOTHS DOES WE LOOOM
FRIGHT VAMPYRE SKULL REECH RIGHT INTINT
NECRON RISE NOW SHADOW OF LINT
FROM GRAVE OF BLOOD WE DRINK OUR SOWLS
HAIRYTICKS DRILLIENG IN MY HEAD HOLES
KONSEKRSHUN OF FLESH MEEL OF DOOM
MY KOFFIN OPEN SMALL LIL ROOM
SATAN MISSTRESS SAVIER
I WILL LEEVE HER NEVER
HER BEUATEE KEEPS ME IMMORTAL IN MY KOILL
HER DARKNESS HER LOVE MKES ME BOIL
HARD BY HER SOFFT SHE KNOWS HOW TO LOVE
IN FLAMBES OF HELL I KANT GET ENUFF
DARK KROWW RISE FLESH EETING ZOMBYS RISE WHICHES
DEAD BODYS BY ROAD IN DISHES
RSIE GOOLS RISE MARILYN MANSUN
EAT FLESH RISE DOOMCHIDREN SPOOKY RAMSOM
ASSEPT MY LOVE THIS MF DECKLERASHUN
TO SATAN HER HINESS DONT LET ME MEET MY EMILASHUN

Salve regina, mater miseri cordei...dabit deus hic quoque finem. Spero.

Subject: oppsy
sorry i didn't signj the NECRON ROMANCER OF DEATH you need to know where yer prares are koming from. NECRON ROMANCER OF DEATH

Thank you for insulting my intelligence yet again.

The appearance of Satan's Gurlie!

February 3rd, 2002
Subject: lay off necron will ya
yo gurl, i've heard ALL about you from *~josh~*. i chat with hin tons and ~i'm~ a *~gurlie~* who'd do N E THING to hookup with him, ya know, so backoff and stop mackin on him ya know?cuz yer makin' him a real bitch. but you hurt him soooooo bad by puttin his stuf up - ya know, gurlie that's sooooooooo nasty!!!!!! Yer NEVA gonna get ~bois~ dat way-bet youve neva even had a boi. i'm real hott and skinny so you betta beleeve you betta have da goods (you knowwhut i'm sayin) and da bling bling. i'd let him suck my blood N E day cuz he's so HOTT. he even got me into maryland manson who is SOOOOOOO god. 666 forever!!!! and yer NOT satan, you lyer BITCH!!!!!!!!!!! ya know if i wuz satan to him he'd like me. so yeah,he gave me yer addy and here i am. besides what are you 20??????? peddofile, josh is 16 and i'm 14. go away!!!!!!!!! and stop hurtin josh, hes a SWEET guy, sweet as huney, ya know it babe. *~sAtan's GuRLiE~*

I replied...

Subject: Re: lay off necron will ya
Hello, Satan's Gurlie,
Really, I didn't start Josh's little infatuation with me. I was not, and never will be, his girlfriend. I suggest you redirect his attentions to you - I would feel better, you would feel better, and hopefully Josh would feel better.
I also just use the name Satan online. It is not my real name. I never claimed to be Satan. In fact, Satan isn't even my main screen name. I tried to impress this fact upon Josh, but he would not listen to me. Perhaps you can talk some sense into him on this point.
Now, as for his age...he claimed repeatedly to be 24. Thank you for pointing out his real age. I'm sure he appreciates it too. Now I can definately tell him that a liason would be out of the question. He IS far too young for me.
Domo arigatou gozaimasu,
~Satan, Princess of Darkness, beleagured webmistress

*sigh* Why the hell did I bother?

I also told Necron to go for April. He replies:

February 4th, 2002
Subject: i dont think so
no sata i can't do that, shes a poser. she's fake she's not satans gurlie cuz satan is a beautifull prinsess prinsess of darkness and all dark carfts, she not a lezbean, eether. so its not written, it is not is.the doktrines of evil don't say it is. but yeah she is a mere mortal who's name is april, what a dum mortal name,huh. nothing kewl like satan.she's not deep or pur enuff fer me, being a vampyre i can dissern deep things and shes kewl and all but fake and not like me like you are, prinsess. and not a beautifull as the prinsess, whos my savier. did you get my prare even tho i didn't sign it. it cammanded all dark forses to rise and reek havek with the balence of mortality and off kristiens. and i only need yer help prinsess you hear.well i am called by my coven, i must join forses of darkness to ravege flesh doomboby. glad we had this takl. bloody kisses and love ferever NECRCRON ROMANCER OF DEATH AND YER HART

Hell, okay, I give up, I can't argue with that, exactly...she is quite possibly the most annoying person I've had the misfortune to meet. I think the next email proves this...

Subject: Re: lay off necron will ya
yo, whuteva, oviously if ~josh~ is byin' yer trash, gurl, you gotta be sayin somtin' pulling da big ~4-0~, ya know? just rememmber he's MINE i've knwn neccy sense i was 6, ya know, and he's just da bomb and hes such a ~DOLLBABY~! yep yep!! soooooooooooooooooo-HANDS OF!!!!!!! oh yeah, and dont ya be givin him no shit bout being EVIL cuz yer no match for *~sAtAn'S gUrLiE~*!!!!!! and he look old for his age, yah, he's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO miture!!!!!!!!!!i can cast ~spells~ and im gonna join da **~*~SPOOKY CHIDRUN~**~* who are totally evil vampires!!!! yah so he alreddy is sooo sweatin me, yer just bein played, gurlie!!!!!! so go away, k, 4 ya get hurt?? thanks!!!!!!! =)
*~stAn'S gUrLiE~* 666 WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! GO (REEL) S8N!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, right. Like I'm going to close down my site because of a little wannabe ghetto-devil.

Subject: re: lay off necron will ya
As you wish, child.
~Akai Akuma, Kage no Hime

Necron replies...

February 5th, 2002
Subject: SILENSE LIPS TURN OWT DOOMSLAYER REPEET
satan, we need to talk bout some things- can i konfide in you? yeah well you said to hook up with april, i dont want to. and i'll tell you why. first she klames to be a wershipper of satan, she's not, its all fake. so when she trys to wership you when she writes don't listen, shes a hairytick its all fake. yesterday she tried to hitt on me ask me too prom well, i said no. and she said why not.i told her i am the subbjekt of doom and belong to the prinsess and the proinsess only she owns me, desides my fate as her slave and vampyre. she says she wants to be a spooky children memmber well, that's nott gonna happrn. she doesn't understand that we are vampyres its seriez bisnezz. we don't cast spells thats gurlie stuff and only whiches do that eksept fer me cuz i am bestoed with the powers to do all dark carfts. just plane ingnerent, thats what she is, like the succubis. ha ha. thats a joke.yeah well then she said i could suck her blood well,im bloodthirsty but not deseperit. she says lots of vampyres suck her blood well,that makes her blood soyuled. like the succubis. ha ha nother joke ha ha.tho aprils relly is soyuled. and she calls me stoopid nameslike joshy and nekky look im a gangril vampyre with retaktabel fangs and claws my name is NECRON ROMNCER OF DEATH. she pertends to know bout marilyn mansun,but she kant cuz shes a poser and listens to jello and in sink and shit. she also dised amerika lett me tewll ya no one does that round me, speshally when only in amerika is she free to talk to the prinsess and nott be killed cuz shes so ingnernaent. the fake vampyre cloths from the mall, she could only get those in amerika.im trying to stay away.so remember i love you ya mnow. i know yer blood is pur evil. sorry to komplane but she sholdnt be writing i'm sorry she is. now i must feest on blood and mortal flesh. see yu in the shadows , love NECRON ROMANCER OF DEATH NOT APRIL

Score one for Necron...

Subject: Re: SILENSE LIPS TURN OWT DOOMSLAYER REPEET
For once, I think we agree on something. I wouldn't wish April on anyone.
What the hell is a "bling bling," anyway? o.O I don't speak fake-ghetto. *rolls eyes in disgust*
~Satan, Princess of Darkness

February 7th, 2002
Subject: plankton
hey prinsess, yeah told you we were so alike, yeah well shes a been interfeering with my dark plans for humnity lately.i've told her over and over im not intristed in her soyuled ugley body but she wont listen. yeah shes just resently gotten into mansun and linkin park and staind and slipknow cuz of me,what a poser but she still listens to getto shit like jello, bling bling i asked her what that wuz fer ya and she says its money. ha ha if she has any money its fron beeing a hoar. ha ha. she's stoopid,i try to avooyd her.ha ha you putt her stoopid letters on yer site ha ha. yeah and i didnt give ya her adress, she got it from the site.im sorry i showed it to her misstress, i didnt want you to get invulved with her.i will say nother prare to you soon but i'm angrey right now and need to sakrifise some thing to the misstress. love ferever NECRON ROMANCER OF DEATH

*snickers* Oh my. Can't wait till Satan's Gurlie finds THIS. *wicked grin*

Subject: Re: lay off necron will ya
yo hooch mama don't you EVA call me child again,k, gurlie? cuz neccie asked me to da *~VANTINS DAY DANCE~* and da ~~pRoM~~*!!!!yay yah, im da womin here!! uh huh, he's gonna treet me like a *pRiNcEsS* and pick me up in a limo yup,arent you jealis!!!!only prob is findin a dress skinny nuff for me, *darn*!!! then he'll suck my blood, not yers!yeah so stay on da street where ya belong!!!!!!!he's playin ya gurl! but not me, yup i know how to keep it real huney! and yah were gonna be like the only 2 xxx*fReAkZ*xxx there yup and were gonna freeak to!! hehehehe!!!!!! yah so bye-ah! =) **~~~sAtAn's gUrLiE wHuRlEy~~~~**!!!!! no playaz, no skrubz, no posaz,no crishtianz!!hehehehe!!!!!!!!

*blinks* No, I can't say that I am jealous. Believe me, there's no problem finding dresses for people who are 5'5" and weigh 105 lbs. - if you are the same size as I am, I mean. And here's a pat on the head to you, child, for admitting you are a freak of nature. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Subject: FOR PRINSESS PRAY BUR=N MY SOWL
satan i drue you a pic of the red scout fer yer site
CHILD WITHRE IN GRAVE DART CARFT CONSUME LOVE FEREVER
NECRON ROMNCER OF DEATH

To see the picture, you'll have to go back to SHOBA. Sorry. It's in the guest hall.