Succubus got a reply...

February 18th, 2002
Subject: DIRT SKABBIE FLESH SUCCUBIS GO AWAY SHEELD DOOM
subbis so satan tell me you want to talk to me well that's news.uyou dont wirte to me well thats a good thing. well if youve notised i'm not been by to suck yer blood its cuz i must appeeze the prinsess prinsesses orders. i'm in a peeried of my immortal life signifyed by doom spells fanteing krumling and withreing.last thing i need of kourse is yer ingrenerence to make things werse if anything i need the tnder touch of the misstress my maden of doom who nerishes me with fluwids of death.her vanes korse napalm like blood it sticks it nerishes.youve never made a vampyre run hot to lust fer ya he can smell yer soyuldeness from miles away i bet you, anyone who herts my chanses with the prinsess is soyuled so go away. NECRON ROMANCER OF DEATH

Damn, so THAT'S why I don't bleed when I cut myself!

He also (didn't) answer PJ.

Subject: whats up
hey chibi pj whats up. well satan told me you had a quetien. have i seen you how could i have seen you. wear do you live. tell me and i will tell you see ya babe NECRON ROMANCER OF DEATH

Yeah, like she's going to tell you where we live. *snorts indignantly*

Now if this doesn't make you laugh, nothing will...

February 21st, 2002
Subject: NECRON ROMANCER OF DEATH VS THE FLOETING EYE BALL OF DOOM
datan its been a while i know but i've been fiting. doom laden konflicts overtake me at every turn.fer instense, i fouht the FLOETING EYE BALL OF DOOM yerterday yeah its a devient spooky childron member. well i won of kourse bee ing the stronger fieter.took FLOETING EYE BALL OF DOOM down. yeah.he called me a wuss well, i don't take that shit be ing the leadre of the spooky childrun andall. yeah andnot only that i had to go to the valentins day dance with april it sukked big time. prinsess i know you kould sense my distense well, thats the reason.my fangs glintid it shold skered her but it didn't.she made my touch her greesy poris flesh,and slow-dance it was abhoreable.i promiss satan, my beautifull prinsess who gives me will to slay and to suck that yer my onley.about the fight well it isnt my fualt that i don't want to fiht dinisores.i kould take down brontisoris may be but not tiranisoris reks.well i could but it was a bad nite. my skull pownds. my flesh burns i need yer love. give me yer love misstress how can i re pay ya. anything fre you NECRON ROMANCER OF SATAN

Sorry to dissapoint, but I am not your only. I am passionately in love with my goldfish Adolph. He's a lot cuter than most guys, too.

I reply, of course.

February 23rd, 2002
Subject: Re: NECRON ROMANCER OF DEATH VS THE FLOETING EYE BALL OF DOOM
Seems that you've been busy lately.
I think I would like to talk to more of your acquaintances. They seem quite intriguing.
Here's a paper from my advanced composition class this semester. Enjoy.
~Lucifer (Satan's vacationing this week)

In Mein Kampf, Adolph Hitler sets forth his theory of nationalities as genetically distinct races, each superior or inferior to each other. Based on his observations of the economic states and predominant nationalities of countries, Hitler claims that the Teutonic or Aryan race is the most highly evolved race in the world. He uses economic prosperity as his measure of success, and deduces from this that the Aryan cultures are the dominant races. However, this is not a true measure of success according to his inspiration, Darwin. Hitler’s view of race is incorrect because his criteria of superiority are inherently flawed by faulty pseudo-science.
Hitler’s first error is the misinterpretation of the evolutionary theory. In his world, he mistakes an advanced technological state for an advanced evolutionary state. For support of his argument, Hitler contrasts the economic state of North America to that of South America, and explains that the economic welfare of each country is dependent upon the bloodlines of the inhabitants. He claims that the poorer South American countries are intrinsically flawed by interbreeding with native population, and that North America prospered because the Teutonic race did not adulterate its bloodlines. This is clearly false. Not only are Hitler’s races an arbitrarily decided trait with no foundation upon scientific proof, they are also in no way related to economic mastery. All humans have nearly identical genes, and therefore nearly identical potential for economic success. North America was industrialized before breaking with the mother country; South America was not. This factor is what led to the prosperity of the northern Americas, not race. Had the situation been reversed, South America would have likely prospered while the north struggled. Hitler’s racial theory on prosperity, then, is moot.
Likewise, Hitler has blatantly disregarded Darwin’s theory in assuming an ethnocentric view of how a more advanced culture should behave. Hitler claims that the "internal characteristics of a people are always the causes which determine the nature of the effect that outer circumstances have on them" (4). What he is saying is that these arbitrary races have a set of intrinsic characteristics that will always influence how they respond to outside difficulties. For instance, in his mind, the nomadic qualities of desert dwelling people are a sign of unwillingness to work, and they are therefore a weak and base people. In actuality, this is the only human adaptation possible to the situation. To use a more understandable example, let us use our imagination for a moment and envision Hitler as the dodo bird, which has lost its ability to fly through generations of evolution because it has no predators on its island. Now, let us further imagine this dodo bird went about spreading its philosophy of life to a hawk. Forced into the unnatural situation of only walking upon the ground, the special talents and abilities of this gullible hawk are rendered null and void, and the hawk would soon starve to death. So it would be for any cultural group suddenly thrust into a foreign situation. It is not an internal characteristic of a "race," but the natural disorientation of being suddenly transported to a foreign situation. Bloodlines do not cause confusion; only unusual circumstances cause confusion.
While there are multiple more examples of Hitler’s incorrect assumptions, the worst is possibly his incorrect view on racial purity. As he has proudly proclaimed throughout his chapter, interbreeding between his arbitrarily decided races is the worst insult possible to Nature. The "superior" race must always give up its better qualities in the offspring and produce something mediocre and substandard. Again, his reasoning and grasp of genetics is flimsy at best. While it is possible that a less successful strain could arise from crossbreeding, the harmful effects are much less than those of consistent inbreeding. Darwin would protest Hitler’s notion of racial purity, as this does not lead to diversity and therefore could actually lead to death of the race in the face of adversity. It is necessary for bloodlines to maintain differences in case of catastrophic events.
At first glance, Hitler presents a possible interpretation of Darwin’s evolutionary theory. However, upon closer inspection, it is possible to see these glaring errors and others. Genetics do not determine a person’s economic situation or cultural adaptations to the environment. Even more importantly, Hitler’s idea of a perfectly pure racial identity is unattainable and wholly unfeasible. Racial superiority is not linked to any of these criteria. From a logical standpoint, any people that are living a relatively comfortable life in the face of adversity have adapted significantly enough to their environment. While it may not be the most technologically advanced society, that is not a demonstration that the people are genetically incapable of creating one.

Necron tried to understand the above paper and failed miserably.

February 26th, 2002
Subject: SPEER FEAR DOOM NAZI SLAVE BY VAMPYRE FANG EMPALED
dear satan well yer paper is sumthin e;lse thats fer sure. i didnt know you were a nazi but it is satanik. so i gess yer one. i think mazis are ingnerent well maybe this is a problem. im not evil enuff oh satan perge me. misstress you did say hitler is a byrd ha ha ha.i am a vampyre and have no race,i'm white but only cux z im romancer of death itself. allblood tastes the same well un less it's soyuled then it's high ly kerowsive and filed with doom cents doom smells death tastes.well somethings been on my mnind yeah ha ha ya know its ushuly you well my birthday's tommorow.this is rasing problems fer me fer serimony to you high prinsess will be rased on alter of doom at mid nite unbder full moon but my mother dosn't understnad that first i'm not her child. i am propertie of satan. i don't have age i'm immortal there four birthdays are not aplyable, i shold be able to go to dinisore land coven and wership under moon.so unless we go to dinisore land and a virgin korpse is boyuled fer me under GARDIAN STEGASORIS REKS mintership its not happning.i dont want a cake i want blood or fer at least the spooky children to be koperating.or vodka ha ha.well i'll wirte ya a prare when i get time any way can i use yer paper for skool.may bee i'll be shown more reverence. love ferever and i'll sakrifise you somethin good i swear.oh yeah i'll pik a werthy spooky childrun memnber to kommunicate with ya. but not till after serimony. - bloody kisses ~NECRON ROMANCER OF DEATH

And another one:

Subject: FULL MOON BLOOD SEEP PRARE RAISE VAMPYRE DOOM PEERSE
dear satan well tonite is the nite of full moon i raise prare now. pleese find it in mersy to say i'm wertthy. or else doom trhows overtake.misstess asept prare.
BLIND SHADOW GLOOM HEEP NOW BODY PILED UP
KORPSE OF DESEKRASHUN PEELED FLESH PRODUSE MY SUPP-
ER,BLOOD FANG ENDUSE NOW VIRGIN HAS BEEN EATEN
OWN GAME IT IS DOOM HAIRYTICK BEEN BEATEN
NITE RISE GOOLS OUT OF GRAVES STRING FLESH
PEEL OFF LIKE WORMS NOW EAT WILE FRESH
FLAMES IN PITTS EMBRACE ME BURN ME OVER COME
RISE GALLGATHA SKULL HORN OF DEVIL WE ARE ONE
DOOM LIZZERD KONSUME OF DISSIKRASHUN NOW WITH FANGS
HOLEY ALTER BE FORE ME RAISE NOW GUN MAKE BANGS
SAKRIFISE THE PRAY BRING BEFORE SATAN MISSTRESS OF DOOM
WEARWOLF HOWL LOWDLY DINISORE ROOR UNDER FULL MOON
WE HONER THE PRINSESS HER BEAUTY WE FERSAKE NOT
NO WAY BUT IN DARK CAVE ANIMLES INSIDE TO ROTT
TORN IS FLESH OF DOOM KREETURES WHO ARE DEAD
BLOOD TO VAMPYRES ZOMBYS ROCK STARS IT IS FED
THE KARFT RE NEWED STRANTH INBRASSED BY UN DEAD
IN LITE OF STREET MISSTRESS NECK SHOWS RIVUR OF RED
I SUCK WE DRINK SERIMORY RE SUME DOOM CHILDREN CHANT
BLACK CANDELS LITE ALTER FROM BLOOD OF BRONITISORIS INNFANT
SAKRIFISE YER YUNG DONT FEER NOTHING BUT OWR POWER
AND WE RANE ON RITSHUS LIKE BLAKENED CHARRED DOOM SHOWER
i raise this prare to you misstress in the name of satan fersake me not NECRON ROMANCER OF DEATH

I feel bad for that little brontisaurus at Dinosaur Land.

Lucifer, Satan's slightly less evil twin, sent Necron a happy birthday note in Japanese. He didn't understand, of course.

February 27th, 2002
Subject: what
lucyfer now im konfused. aren't you and satan the smae well i thought so gess ya can't trust evil any more. oh well lucyfer i don't under stand what yer sayin but if you teech me i can lern. i hold serimony to satn i'll apeese ya in any way possibel. yers in blood NECRON ROMANCER OF DEATH

No, Lucifer is the name of the heavenly aspect of Satan, before being cast out for the sin of pride. We aren't different at all, we just have different aspects. My third aspect hasn't been provoked yet, but I'd hate it see that happen. It could end in bloodshed. We replied because we were amused at the time with him:

Subject: Re: what
We were just wishing you a happy birthday. No need to appease us; we're quite content right now.
~Lucifer and Satan

After that, Necron was quiet for a while. But just like Dracula, he always returns in the sequel.

March 3, 2002
Subject: DOOM PRARES SMALL BUT OF DOOM
dear prinsess, oh its so sweet that you wish me a happy birthday in satan langwige. i want to lern. whos adelar is that troll.well skool sucks i have to wirte a kind of poitry.well it's not reely poitry reely it's called hi kew. it took all day today it's an ass inmint. no im not stoopid i know how to spell assinmint.i wanted to show the ass in ass inment, ha ha. did i meshun it sucks. ha ha well its good in small way i write prare fer misstess in skool only they are hi kew.
SATAN DARK PRINSESS
LEEDS ME FEREVER IN DOOM
DARK KROW EMERGE FLY

MIHTY DINISORE
LET RORE OF DISIKRASHUN
TEAR AKROSS COVEN

CHALLINGE NECRON DEWL
VAMPYRE RISE EAT HAIRYTICK
YER GRAVE MY KONKWEST

ATENSHUN CHILDREN
YOU DRINK DOOM BLOOD SHE PERVIDES
BOW DOWN WERSHIP GURL

BLOOD ON DOOM ALTER
PLEESE FEEL FREE GOWJE MISSTRESS DRINK
IN KOFFIN KISS YOU

FLOET EYE BALL OF DEATH
YER DEAD NOW FER REEL YER FAULT
NOT MINE SO STAY DEAD

DINISORE BATTLE
WAGE ALL NITE UNDER FULL MOON
DOOM WEARWOLF ATTACKS

well thats the ass inment. i had to write 7 fer skool. assept them as prares misstress pleese under stand my plyte.the serimony kimmensed as ushual damn hairytick KING COMMAND LD 50 DOSE OF DOOM push me into oktipus so i have to fite it well its series bizness.it's a serimony to wership satan i don't have time to fite oktipus but,you know its not werth beeing called wuss cuz you don't want to fite doom oktipus so i did.finilly we got to the serimony but by that time no animles were owt eksept this stoopid skunk in road dead.so we burned itwith the wyne,well it was bad wyne all we could get,tho.it made me vomit fluwids of rath fer the smell is in my kape, too and may bee too much wyne.i feel so unwerthy that's the point even tho DINISORES OF AMERIKA howl chant to you bare fangs fer ya.i promised you a virgin well i'll give you one i swear,fer i am a vampyre of my bloody werd.i think of you all the time hey if my english teecher wasnt soyuled i'd sakrifise her ha ha ha.well i found a spooky childrun member MOUNTED ON WALL DOOM JELLY FISH.he is lord my supper ter. xcrowley666@hotmail.com thats his addy.well it ranes so i wither in doom laden silense.prinsess i love you and want to be near yer haert.bloody kisses death always xoxxox NECRON ROMANCER OF DEATH

I'm going to have to get some pictures of Dinosaur Land for you all. Maybe I can find the wine bottles and charred bones, too. I replied, offering my two cents because I damn well felt like it:

Subject: Re: DOOM PRARES SMALL BUT OF DOOM
Yes, Adelar is Troll.
My "Satan language" is not so Satanic. It's Japanese. The difficulty lies in reading and writing the characters.
To make your haiku more authentic, I suggest adding a sense of mono no aware; that is, a sensitivity to the brevity of life.
On the matters of your spooky children, I highly suggest you determine their loyalty and dispose of the dissenters. Your life will be simpler that way.
As an aside, who is your English teacher?
~Satan, Princess of Darkness

I also decided to contact Jellyfish. Why not, eh?

Subject: Greetings
Hello,
We are the ones Necron calls Satan. We are not, contrary to popular belief, the ultimate incarnation of evil, nor do we pretend to be. We're just curious about this world in which we've found ourselves quite accidentally immersed. Any information you care to part with would be valued.
~Satan, Princess of Darkness
and
Lucifer, Angel of Dawn